BREAKING NEWS

As your only reliable news network, we thought we’d take some time to address the unusual occurrence that is affecting everyone in the DeVyldere household. Through this terrible time, we ask that our readers (yeah you) do what they can to keep everyone healthy and safe.

The DeVyldere’s have officially lost it. Or maybe they found it, who’s to know for sure? Staying home, together, for days on end was the last sign we needed to declare that the DeVyldere clan is up to something. Obviously, the excessive cleaning and baking should have tipped us off much earlier. I mean, 4 pies, who does that? Hannah D. and Joel D. have both come back to Oregon, and there is much family bonding occurring. On top of that, according to Ezra bathroom uses are 20 seconds longer than usual across the board, and no riots have been started. With the peculiar situation as it is, the question must be asked: what games, (other than the trampoline ones) are afoot here?

Alas, after sending reporter after reporter to find the scoop, we have nothing concrete to report. To the untrained eye, this much uninterrupted family time, multiple pastries, and sense of cleanliness might seem perfectly normal. Luckily for you guys, our eyes are trained in the ways of emergencies, and also we’re nowhere near normal. And we don’t need to remind you that family time and baked goods are what led to the L.K.S’s last international incident. Our expert advice to you is to stay safe, sane and as far away from Russian intelligence as possible.

Trampoline Soccer

by Keturah DeVyldere

The phenomenon known as Trampoline Soccer, is the long reigning king of all the trampoline games in the DeVyldere household. But the popularity only goes for so long, will the bicycle kicks save Trampoline Soccer? Bicycle kicks certainly didn’t save those poor kids’ heads. They say that the rain can’t even stop Rachel from playing, or the hail, again those poor kids’ heads. Multiple injuries may have come up already, but as our very own reporter, Keturah D. says, “they are just like ‘Sarah at midnight’ where Sarah appears to turn full cat, and the players seem to turn invincible.”

As every good Newspaper, we have gotten our very own witness of Trampoline Soccer possibly known as Grace D. She says that, “If you shove the smallest off the trampoline first, then you don’t have to get the ball when Rachel bicycle kicks it over the fence.” That is true until you are the smallest, which will indefinitely happen at the rate the youngest children are growing.

In other news, the quarantine has made the game so much fun to the point that multiple kids and some adults stay up ‘till 10:00 p.m and play it. I recommend that the next time you come to the DeVyldere house you play some, king of all trampoline games, Trampoline Soccer.

Home Update

Our very own intrepid reporter Keturah D. has managed to figure out what the DeVyldere clan has been up to these past few weeks...er at least most of them...the others we had to improvise. So without further ado, we give you the DeVyldere's: Unplugged:

Keturah D.: She's been interviewing and hiding under people's beds. You know, top secret investigation stuff.

Ezra D.: He gets to hang out with Jewel, make videos for Instagram--Ezra D. now has an Instagram "e.james100"--but since he's home schooled and stays all day in his pajamas this whole thing isn't really affecting him too much.

Jewel D.: Jewel's down time has taken a dark and confusing path. When interviewed she proclaimed she has "cabin fever" and that people should stay away...her roommate has yet to be found. No one has been able to convince her that cabin fever is not in fact the pandemic she keeps hearing about.

Sarah D.: Sarah has been missing her friends, school, and track practice. She has replaced her boyfriend, Diego, with a pillow, and sources say that although Sarah has been restricted from getting within 6 feet of any outside persons, she has still managed to continue stealing his sweatshirts.

Faith D.: This *gestures to the paper" is it...also walking Drake and running wayyyy too much.

Grace D.: Grace has become what is being referred to as an "ERA" which can only mean one thing: "Extraterrestrial Rabbit Attorney." She has been busy adjusting to life with so many alien mammals relying on her via zoom. She is also continuing her college semester online, and quote unquote "not writing the T.W.C" because of something to do with the employment process...weird we know.

Rachel D.: She has been learning to cope with the ongoing distractions that are "fluffens" while at the same time testing how long she can sleep up until her class time while still signing in on time. Today she woke up at 9:55 for a 10:00 class, and procrastinators across the globe are applauding her for her strong example. Rachel claims to be the founder of bicycle kicks, and has reportedly been "violently assaulted by the media" whatever THAT means.

Elijah D.: Elijah has been going to the park with "Joel D." a lot. Their most notable antics include river jumping and river freezing. Aurora and Elijah spent an entire two weeks quarantining in their trailer, and survived, with Aurora coming out as the dominating dominion player.

Hannah D.: Hannah has been seen sulking around as a result of "a lack of buddies"...to which we are very concerned since she has 9 buddies around her at all times. The L.K.S, upon hearing this news, came up with the solution of setting up base in the sun room...the logistics are still being worked out now. Hannah has been continuing her semester of grad college from home, and continuing to scare us with her 5 mile runs.

Micah D.: From far off Germany, Micah has been working on his own college endeavors. Jo has been beating Duolingo on her 36th language. All signs point to mass chocolate consumption, although Micah's still trying to convince us he lives in Gimmelshtump...so who knows where his head's at?

Jerusha D.: Jerusha has created a new method of running, called "the Thorns FC security team run." While working out and mass producing vision boards, she has also been attacking fences, doing impossible yoga moves, and chilling at Grandpa's.

Joel D.: In keeping with the CDC's recommendation to keep with his regular routine, Joel has continued to throw burritos at unsuspecting pedestrians, only now 6 feet away from them. His work life has not changed, but he claims to have moved back to Oregon to live in Elijah D.'s spare trailer and spontaneously launch himself into nearby bodies of water. The juries still out on this.

Isaiah and Elise M. D.: Without school for Elise, things have been rough but also easy, or as Elise would say "fácil." The pair has taken this time to travel over multiple states while camping and having fun. Isaiah is no doubt reading, yet no one has an official tally on how many books so far, so stay tuned.

Mom D.: Mom has been going on consistent walks, reorganizing the entirety of the household, and inspiring others across the globe in her recent sermonizing. She has been creating how-to videos for taking car of children at home, every day. All in all, it's been a lark for Mom D.

Dad D.: Still going to work each day, Dad D. is being extra careful at the hospital. He is constantly amazed at how quiet his work has been, and has been in an all-round great mood ever since he found his pants...everyone is appreciative that Dad D. now has pants.

Grandma DeVyldere: Grandma has started an all out war with her fence, (one that of course she has been winning.) In addition, she has been puzzling, reading, and working on "small" chores.

Grandpa John: Neither shaken nor stirred, Grandpa John has been keeping up with his gardening and hanging out with his not at all favorite granddaughter, Jerusha D.

Newsflash

(did you know?)

Vision boards are 99% more environmentally friendly when made solely out of gardening magazines.

Ezra can now pick up exactly ½ of the DeVyldere family.

Aurora’s birthday is on Thursday, the 2nd of April.

The laundry room is at an all time clean high.

Now you know

Rumor Column (aka what Sarah reveals in her sleep)

Joel’s and his lizard’s relationship has taken a turn for the worse.

(Also, is he REALLY in the U.S? We’re not sold on that idea just yet.)

Pants = unnecessary.

Aurora’s wearing glasses.

Dad’s jeans finally resurfaced.

Hannah D.'s in the market for some new bricks.

Joel’s burrito delivery service: not what it seems.

WANTED ADS

Wanted! Box of shoes to cuddle with. Preferably one that enjoys long walks on the living room entertainment center, speaks fluent cat Spanish, and looks good in a tuxedo. The more shoes in said box the better, but if they aren’t comfy be aware that they will be disposed of.   -  Batman

Wanted! Dog hair-free living room carpet. Also cat-free bathroom.   -  Mom D.

Wanted! Less roommates...actually wait no roommates. Also, a sleep conducive environment, which goes hand-in-hand with the first part.   -  Rachel D.

Weekly Chuck Norris Joke

Chuck Norris has been exposed to the corona-virus.

...The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

See something, E-mail Something

Don't think, don't pause, don't hesitate for a moment, just send whatever news you have right off to Keturah D.’s email! We find this whole “news” process works better if you guys do our job for us. And since we know y’all have nothing better to do right now, this should work out nicely! Remember, no pictures/bits of information are too personal!

#Challenge

A note to our readers: T.W.C is declaring its first ever virtual challenge for the best lip syncing competition!

Who is eligible?

EVERYONE

What are the guidelines?

Submissions must be entered by next Tuesday, April 7th 2020, to the family signal group chat and/or sent to T.W.C staff.

Need Inspiration?

Watch from 0:00-0:56 of this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAW0qOug3iY

Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet!!