The Weekly Comet 86 (comment at your own risk; Keturah's in charge of client relations now)
Let us just start by saying we are just as surprised as you! The weekly comet? Coming out in the middle of summer? In this economy? But just like how bees can fly airplanes or global warming, scientists have never really cracked the code of when this fine newspaper’s namesake will make its return. Lucky for us, it’s on a semi-elliptical orbit. Unlucky for us, that orbit usually involves crash-landing in the sunroom with approximately five other sisters. Which proves the old adage: You can change the sheets and steam clean the carpet, but you can never really drain the swamp, because the real wetland was the sisters we potty-trained along the way.
For this very special sighting of the celestial rock that inspires us to write such moving prose (and to question Grace’s role on the board of directors), we have lined up nothing but the best stories for you. We have people diving off the deep end (into the Willamette); siblings beginning their bright new careers as subsistence farmers in the Back-40; actual photos of Diego’s glistening abs as he risks his life fighting the biggest and baddest forest fire in years; ever deepening intrigue about Grace’s continued unemployability at the Benton County fair (she knows what she did); and, of course, a deep-dive into the private lives of three community college theater directors attempting to convince Ezra that their program would be the right fit. All of that, some of that, an undetermined amount of that, could be coming up in this: The Weekly Comet’s Summer of Baby Love.
Finn
Born in the hot and sweaty summer of baby love, Finn is the newest growing member of the growing family. As the classic turn-of-phrase about the Polymarket De-Vilder-ball betting pool goes: “No one knows the day or hour, but the season and the rose bush.” So too, it was for our intrepid parents who were then nominally on their way to see the major motion picture, The Odyssey, in theaters; but in reality were on their way to a live off-Broadway musical: The Trojan Baby, which had a surprising number of P!nk songs in it.
Those poor doctors would have no idea that Johanna had snuck a baby into the ward until it was too late, and she had already given birth. For context, in Germany, if a baby is born in a hospital, the midwives there are required to take care of it. This is why they have staff trying to prevent expectant mothers (mothers expectant?) from sneaking in and stealing free health care for their adorable little potatoes. And how did they know that this plan would work? They had a man on the inside: Marius from college. Marius was able to get Johanna the good drugs while Micah distracted the midwife with his endless supply of public transport facts. “Did you know that approximately 50% of all trips taken with public transit in the US take place in New York City?”
After a short twenty-eight hours of “enhanced interrogation”/labor, including twelve at the hospital, the plan was all set. It was two a.m., and the midwife noticed a strange bulge with red hair coming out of Johanna. Boom! Finn Carrots Hartung-De Wyldere was born. After some baby-bonding and nursing, Johanna was reluctantly admitted with her new baby into the baby-ward, where she would stay with him for the next few days before they were cleared to go home.
Finn is, more than anything, hungry. There isn’t a boob or well-formed bicep that he’ll turn down if he thinks there’s milk involved. Aside from eating, pooping, and sleeping, he’s turned to a more entrepreneurial endeavor, expanding Germany’s legendary night-scene.
That’s right, Bonn’s hottest new club is “Kak Fabrik”, and it has everything: A 24/7 dance floor playing melodic House/Trance, Electro-Pop and John Cragie; live DJs desperate to make you happy; multiple bouncers; free shots; and, for VIP’s without bottle-service, an always-on-call topless lactating woman. Conveniently, it is staffed by Mom and Dad H., who don’t need to sleep, the perfect fit! Anytime, day or night, you can be dancing to Europe’s latest disco hits just before sucking on the nipple you hold most dear.
How does it all work? We were able to have an interview with one of the workers to take you inside the club:
T.W.C: “It’s incredible what Finn has pulled off here. Can you tell us more about the day-to-day, and the marketing involved to get to this point? Is it really open 24 hours?”
Employee: “This is a call to the international community: Help! We’re being held against our will and forced to work here. Johanna hasn’t slept for more than an hour since the club opened weeks ago.”
TWC: “Thank you for your fascinating insight. I’m sorry that’s happening to you; I bet that does cut down on costs for the club though.”
The interview continued like this. We’ll spare you the full transcript, and not just because our transcriptionist learned their skills from that one scene in the Stupids. We also had a chance to talk to a representative of Mr. Hartung-De Vzlder, the owner of “Kak Fabrik”, in order to dispel these nasty rumors.
TWC: “Thank you for taking the time to talk to us. You’ve heard rumors about your employer. How do you respond to allegations of forced labor and a hostile work environment as a result of immature leadership?”
Representative: “First of all, Finn pays everyone working at Kak Fabrik a fair market wage. So don’t blame him, blame capitalism. On a more personal note, I’m grateful to Mr. Finneaous for his patronage here. He could have evicted us when he commandeered the apartment to open his new club, but he chose to let us stay on as unpaid volunteers catering to his every whim and desire. ‘Der Faust ist das halbe Schnitzel’, as he likes to say.”
TWC: “Plausible. Just one final follow-up question: Aren’t you the same guy we were just talking to as a representative of the workers?”
Representative: “I wear many hats.”
TWC: “That’s not a hat; that’s an unused diaper?”
Representative: “Haha, guess again.”
TWC: “Ewww. No.”
Clearly young Kak Fabrik is already mired in controversy, but that is also what makes it such a hot club (that and the lack of air-conditioning). Oh? The workers are slowly losing their minds due to sleep deprivation? That’s so intriguing. What’s that? One of them is broken down, sobbing in the bathroom right now? Thrilling! That’s the kind of novelty that conventional clubs just can’t bring to the table.
Of course it isn’t just about the nightlife for Finn. As a wilder Hartung, Finn is looking forward to meeting his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins (both born and unborn, wink-wink) and crushing them all at De-Vyldere-ball. His parents have promised to fully support his De-Vyldere-ball career, even securing a future place at Jewbie’s professional training camp and rose garden in the mountains of Portland. We “grownups” here at T.W.C (editor's note: take this out, we control the narrative here and we do NOT need to publicly acknowledge our geriatric age) can’t wait to have first crack at using him as a human-shield and edge-run around the no-hands rule.
Welcome to the family Finn, you’ll do just fine.
The Man with the Van
We all remember Van Gogh (now Van Went, RIP), but rumors have it that Jay (a.k.a. the man without a van) is trading in his sweet electric wheels for a 1999 GMC Savanna Camper-Van. Yes, there’s a little bit of an age gap between Jay and his new wheels/digs. But who are we to judge? Camper van love is camper van love. And all love is worth running from, provided you have the appropriate bear suit.
The real question is, where do you take all that van and all those vegetables he grew around his apartment? That’s right: Black Rock City. I just hope that no Archdukes get assassinated during his planned time as vegetable salesman (my cabbages!) and art connoisseur. That would just be catastrophic for the world balance of peace.
Good luck out there, Jay. Stay cool.
Tri Tri Triathabomb
You all know the old adage: if at first you don’t succeed at beating Sarah in a physical endurance competition, keep rigging the competition teams until you do! That’s right, this year marked the 3rd Annual DeVyldere Triathabomb, or the Tri Tri Triathabomb to be correct (as we are so wont to be these days). But more importantly (at least to this completely objective writer’s opinion), this year marked the fall of Sarah D.’s Triathabomb dynasty. That’s right, Sarah’s “Vacationers” team ended up placing third in the Squid Game-adjacent competition this year (something about pride and bad Hawaiian shirts coming before a fall?) But we digress. This year’s triathabomb was filled with new events, new competitors, and new levels of ingenuity as the Tri Tri Tri Board faced new practical problems while attempting to stay truthful to visionary Grace D.’s llama-infused aspirations. So let’s get into it.
Day of Tri Tri Triathabomb Timeline (Loosely)
8:30 a.m. - Official start time. Philomath Park filled with proverbial cricket echoes. Era D. wakes up in Tangent with an eerie feeling that something makes today different from other days.
9:00 a.m. - Competitors and support staff begin to arrive. Grace D. texts taunting photos of her early arrival to competitors. Elijah D. goes home to grab his rollerblades. Grace D. puts water bottles incredibly close together in middle of rollerblading course.
10:00 a.m. - Jerusha D. leads all teams in a series of stretches. Rachel D. still can’t touch her toes. Outside families and children are warned to beware of activity commencement.
10:15 a.m. - Opening Ceremony. Teams present their team names and themes.
- Exploding Whales: Faith, Dad, Jewel, and Grace D.
- Baton = stick of dynamite
- Vacationers: Sarah, Elijah, and Rachel D.
- Baton = Banana (RIP Bernardo, may he grow fruitfully along the banks of the Willamette)
- Blue Heelers: Hannah, Jerusha, and Ezra D. and Cat. S.
- Baton = unclear (smaller than a breadbox, bigger than Bernardo)
Exceptional teams (read: just the Exploding Whales) present interpretive dance. Metaphorical whale explodes.
Faith D. sets competition guidelines. Lightly threatens. Explains all participants’ involuntary sign-offs on Keturah D.’s airtight media waivers. Keturah D. laughs maniacally in corner while phone continues to record.
10:30 a.m. (ish) - Nick Jonas’ “red dress” commences rollerblading course. Grace D. eeks out a win over Elijah D., Ezra D. to follow. (Staff note: actually Grace won by an impressive number of fallen water bottle lengths).
Sarah, Cat and Jewel fight Keturah D. and each other to the death in elaborate obstacle course. Sarah is the first to finish by professing her love to Mom D. (who knew?) Keturah D. records confession for Instagram edit. Jewel and Cat quickly follow with less passionate professions.
10:32 - Mom D. immediately abandoned by all suitors, including her husband.
10:45: Bicyclists start their journey to Crystal Lake. Rachel D. quickly stopped with bike complications (sabatoge?), picked up by network (read: Mom D.). Runners Sarah and Faith D. take an unexpected detour into the heart of Monroe Avenue for “supplies” (read: steroids).
11:00 kinda - Dad and Hannah D. are neck and neck the whole bike course; Dad D. wins by 30 seconds. Bicyclists shocked as they beat all runners to handoff. Runners eventually show up and take off. It’s still any whale’s game.
11:30 - Ezra D. runs an extra 1-2 miles in an effort to find his starting mark on time. Faith D., for lack of a better phrase, blows the competition out of the water, beating Ezra D. and then Sarah D. by multiple minutes. Our Father “Who Art in Heaven” puts every other team’s paddleboards in the water before completing his handoff.
Swimmers race down the blackberry thorn-filled path to the water and meet their respective paddleboarders on the island across.
11:— (It's all kind of a blur. All of the T.W.C staffers were underwater at this point. I guess you’ll have to wait and watch Keturah D.’s 3-part video-edit 9-14 months from now for all the juicy “factual” details).
12:12 (make a wish) - An explosion sounds as the first paddleboard crashes into the dock and a stick of dynamite flies safely across the finish line! The exploding whales have done it. They’ve beaten Sarah D. (and everyone else).
12:30 - Whatever bits of competitors have not been incinerated by the blast are carried off by the birds of prey as planned. (However, more dynamite is on hand for any larger pieces left over).
Afternoon: all competitors and staff enjoy a Mom D.-led picnic at the Corvallis Library (home to many past DeVyldere Adventures). An award ceremony with Elijah-made medals is held at the courthouse steps. Faith D. (and accompanying whales) take their rightful place at the top of the podium, their gold medals smelling of success and pickle juice. Sarah D. mutters something about revenge and nepotism under her breath. Celebratory ice cream ensues.
Article Brainstorm
Please enjoy this new addition to T.W.C: an inside look at the stream-of-consciousness that represents our staff writers’ minds. People always ask us the same questions: T.W.C staff, how do you come up with this stuff? What does the article-writing process look like? How much cocaine is involved? Are you unionized yet? And the answer to these questions is really that it happens differently every time. Sometimes we just start with a word, or a rumor that Grace came up with months ago based on one comment at family dinner. Sometimes we have no idea what the article is until we finish the story. Anyways, this is our attempt at taking you behind the scenes and into the virtual writer’s room at 3 a.m. this morning to see how the gluten free sausage gets made.
Now, some might say that this is just a cop out, that we’re getting lazy and didn’t want to turn all our random ideas and funny one-off quips into an actual, comprehensible story. To those people we say: journalistic integrity is dead. Who cares? We control the media, and the means of (Finn) production. The truth is what we say it is! And this totally counts as a legitimate journalistic endeavor.
Note: The Mormons are going to hate this announcement…but the Mormons run Albany, not Philomath… We run Philomath (literally)
Writer 1: “Sodumm and Gamorra”
Writer 2: “INFIDELITY”
Noooo not quite right, cause in reality Mom’s usually very fidele-
Castro?
No, that’s Sarah’s friend
Oohh I got it —“Polygamy at Large in Philomath Park!”
Where’s the when, why, and who? My journalism teacher would kill me.
Your mom would kill you.
Let’s try: “Wife Engages While Husband Bikes”….
Buttttttt he’s so much more than just someone’s husband, and we can’t handle any more wrongful misogyny lawsuits…like he’s also a man.
Hit him with your car?
Worse things have happened to him during a Triathabomb
What about “Women Accepts Engagements with Multiple People at Philomath Park.”
No, we can’t just focus on the engagements themselves; we have to comment on the proposals.
Didn’t she turn some of them down?
Okay: “Famous Actor Jewel’s Props Pop Off as She Screams at Lady in Park to ‘Marry her Because She’s a Man’”
“Sarah Wins Timothee Chalamet Look-Alike Competition”
We haven’t even started on the rings hiding in the llama yet
Don’t get me started about the llama rings *face palms*
Maybe: “Princess Leah Captured by Evil Cranes”?
…What in the Bechdal are you doing?
“Princess Leah uses Corban Christian College Degree to Intuit Whether God Really Does Want Her to Be Multiple People's Wife”
Actually, the school was called Western Baptist at the time…..
“God told Multiple People to Fight to the Death on a Series of Intricate Playground Obstacles Because Leah Will Be Their Wife”
Plot Twist: They actually marry Rachel?....
Where’s the greater-community impact lens in this story?
“Children Cry at Philomath Park Due to Unsanctioned Event”
Oorrrr “Hannah Seen placing Bits of Whale Bone into Rachel’s Gears Before Bike Race Fiasco”
You can’t prove that.
So?
Good point.
I’ve cracked it! — “Bitter, Heated Rivalry, Fueled by Ring by Spring Pressure…Devolves into Sword Play”
It’s so crazy it just might work.
And with five minutes to spare before Hannah reads it out loud. Personal record.
Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet 86!!!!
