The Weekly Comet 84 (comments and criticisms welcome...ma o mayo)

Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Bear's paws are sweaty, knees weak, tail is heavy; There's vomit on his collar already: mom's spaghetti.

We're nervous, but on the surface, look calm and ready to drop truth bombs, but we keep on forgetting what we wrote down; the whole crowd goes so loud Hannah opens her mouth, but the words won't come out. We're chokin', how? Everybody's jokin' now; The clock's run out, time's up, over, blaow

Snap back to reality, ope, there goes Jewebie. Ope, there goes the Sariego, we choked, we're so mad; but we won't give up that easy, no, we won't have it. We knows our whole back's to these ropes, it don't matter. We's dope, we know that, but we're broke, and so stagnant

'Lige knows when he goes back to this mobile home, that's when it's back to the lab again, yo, this old rhapsody

Better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

You better lose yourself in the Comet; The moment, you own it, you better never let it go (Go). You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to show. This opportunity comes once in a year, yo.

You better lose yourself in the slide-shows, the tangents, you own it, you better never let it go (Go). You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to glow. This opportunity comes once a year, yo

Rumor  Column

Jerusha picked up fencing

Bear learned to open doors 

Jay is secretly living in Europe 

Hannah wasn't team pink

Johanna has multiple siblings named Nil 

You're so vain 

Niko is really a baby mountain lion 

You're probably think this The Weekly Comet is about you  

Keturah and Ezra are on strike from the mines\

Don’t you, don't you??? 

Micah is getting paid exclusively in bikes now  

Don’t you?!

GAPS’ superintendent suuuucks 

Jerusha is celiac 

Linlin

Elise is turning into a mermaid

Faith is stalking Chiquiletta 

Johanna wrote the rumor column 

Keturah D.

Who has two thumbs, a fearless cat, and 110% in Chemistry?

That’s right, Keturah DeVyldere has done it again this year. Starting off strong by starring in South Albany’s Putnam County Spelling Bee, Keturah turned heads by giving an unprecedented spelling performance, blending both self-aware monologue and songs to truly confuse and impress the judges. According to our sources, Keturah didn’t quote-unquote “win” said spelling bee (a failure the DA attributes to a lack of time spent in Spelling Power class with a ruler). However, she was a crowd favorite and finished the competition having won both the hearts of the audience and lots of applause.

After giving up her competitive spelling dreams for the immediate future, Keturah finally took the leap and started intensely pursuing her one true passion: becoming a Disney princess. Now you may be asking yourself “how does one become a princess?” It’s actually quite easy. Ever since the 2000’s, when Anne Hathaway patented a method involving candy on pizza, eyebrow tweezing, and dramatic speeches in the rain, becoming a princess has never been easier. But Keturah, ever the trailblazer, has been taking her own path. When our TWC private investigator followed Keturah around for a few days this summer, they were amazed to find that she has taken to impersonating multiple princesses. Sometimes she’ll put on a red wig and act as princess Ariel, stumbling in and out of small children’s birthday parties and not even trying to be undetectable. On other days, she’ll wear a blue dress and pretend like she hasn’t been outside for 20 years, as she takes on the persona of Queen Elsa and holds signs at the local picket line. Sometimes she doesn’t even dress up as a princess, but opts instead to dress up as a character of some little-known show Scooby-Doo (a show we know nothing about, given that it involves magic). Although her methods have been described as “mad” and “trying too hard” the sheer amount of money Keturah is raking in as a result of this past time leads us to believe that not only is Keturah’s method acting putting her on the best path towards becoming a full-time princess, but also the most profitable one (take that, Hathaway).

When Keturah isn’t actively battling Rachel Zegler for Disney’s attention, she can be found in her room working on her side hustle: editing videos of people in a car. “3 Kids in a Car” is a new show Keturah D. routinely films, edits, and publishes on something she referred to as a “regular timeline.” Although we have no idea what this phrasing means, we have uncovered that the show mainly involves Keturah, Ezra, Jewel, and sometimes Sarah D. all piling into the death-defying gold car to rehash everything from fries to relationships to the most important marvel comics. Even with Keturah’s brand new iPad making her faster and more powerful than ever, one has to wonder how she manages to find time to edit these 30+ minute long videos as well as her friends’ and family’s video requests.

Speaking of time commitments, Keturah’s responsibilities don’t end there. In addition to her more important activities, Keturah is reportedly attending SAHS full-time and aceing every single one of her classes. Her strategies involve doing homework “when it’s assigned, not the hour it’s due,” waking up more than an hour before she needs to get to school in the morning, and expressing blatant favoritism for some professors in order to address her massive chocolate selling needs. And while we’re on the subject of chocolate selling, Keturah has been doing an odd amount of it. Apparently, in order to keep up with her chocolate-selling ambitions Keturah has been attending her high school’s competitive United Harmony program choir concerts all across the state. When asked about all of the free singing she has to sacrifice just to feed this unhealthy addiction, Keturah made it clear to us she would do whatever it takes to ensure she gets rid of all her supplier’s chocolate, even if that meant going to extreme lengths like memorizing and performing multiple songs in Latin and/or training and dominating for a third year on the SA soccer team. No one is more upset with this Timothy Chalamet-esque way of life than Daisy D., Keturah’s first love (before chocolate selling). Not only has Daisy been banned from tasting the chocolate, but some extreme reports have placed Daisy in Keturah’s room for hours at a time, with the chocolate box, unable to play with any of it. While every day continues to be a struggle for Daisy, there’s no telling when Keturah will stop with this chocolate nonsense.

As the public struggles to find a reason for this new-found obsession, some have connected it to Concussion Gate: that time when Keturah waited for almost all of the adults to leave the state on vacation before becoming concussed during a soccer game, going back into the game, scoring a goal (or “concussion goal” as some call it) and then having Sarah take her to the hospital. Now, normally we are inclined to believe any and all “facts” presented to us, no matter how unsure or unlikely the source. However, we would be remiss not to include the less than optimistic opinion of our academically published on-staff and German psychologist Johanna Klaus H.: “Correlation does NOT mean causation guys! Now where’s my chocolate?...”

When it comes to Keturah’s year recap, we are left with more questions than answers. For instance, are any princesses safe? How is it possible to get better than best on her Algebra 2 test? Will her new vanity change the structure of her weekly “get ready with me” international facetimes? How do we get hot sauce into these tiny packets? And has she even had time to see the wicked movie? As always, T.W.C staff and readers alike will have to religiously follow Keturah’s incredibly active socials and video postings to find out for ourselves.

Ezra D.

What can be said about Ezra D. that hasn't already been sung by the cast of SA Steel Magnolias (Starring Ezra D. ™)? Apparently, just his personality… and most of the points in his general backstory–but don't worry–we at The Weekly Comet (a subsidiary of The Monthly Comet) have dripped the seasonal Christmas tantalizing details out of this demure story and are ready to bring you only the most livewire, high-octane, adrenaline-filled slice-of-life that you've experienced in at least two paragraphs!

Morning: Ezra's typical morning in 2024 was the very stereotype of your average small-town, high school junior.

5:30 am Ezra awakens screaming (Something about the oppression of vulnerable minorities). 

6:30 am he re-emerges from slumber just in time to take a shower, listening hear the faint sounds of his second favorite sister Keturah yelling that she was going to use the bathroom first and why are you even awake now? 

8:00 am Ezra finds himself trapped in a classroom with a bunch of other students.

9:30 am Ezra finds himself trapped in another classroom. (Who made these classes so long?)

11:00 am Ezra acts out the overthrow of GAPS while sitting in another classroom. 

12:30 pm Ezra eats a sandwich 

1:00 pm Ezra makes friends while in another classroom. (How long is this school day?)

2:30 Ezra finds himself in yet another classroom. (Seriously, when will this end? It seemed like such a good idea when I started writing but now this is getting  ridiculous.)

2:45 pm Ezra leaves school and drives home…or runs home with a small herd of extremely gangly teenage boys….or possibly rides a goat home? (Thank goodness that’s done now it’s more interst- wait, How did this schedule end up with one 15-minute class after many painfully long hour-and-a-half classes? 

(I have a big vocabulary and little time management skills. I’m just not sure how well this plan was thought out. Faith??!))

3:00 pm Ezra resists the urge to feed the dogs again

3:30 pm Ezra finishes feeding the dogs for what is likely the third time that day

4:00 pm Ezra makes check mark on paper after completing his homework. 

5:00 pm Ezra calls his favorite sister, Rachel. 

5:01 pm Ezra realizes Rachel is asleep and plans to call her back the next day. 

5:02 Ezra calls his favorite brother. Ezra crosses item out. (No time for that I’m afraid) 

5:30 Ezra makes fajitas with mysterious spices

6:00 Ezra does something else (This doesn’t seem like it’s ending anytime soon, so I think we’re all just stuck here for the ride) 

17:00 pm Ezra goes back in time, watches goat videos on Instagram. (This seems pretty senseless but whatever) 

8:00 pm Ezra doesn’t do drugs because that’s a morning activity and he is a responsible adult that doesn’t need pills to be in gummy form to incentivize taking them at the correct time.

9:00 pm Ezra goes to sleep because he cannot possibly think of any other activities to do on a school night (Oh finally! Freedom from the chains of time!)

In other news, Ezra found his true calling this year: vice principal. “Some people ask me why I don’t want to be a Lead Principal instead. To them, I say, I prefer to engage with the students by running spelling bees and other events. I’m not power-hungry in the traditional sense. My goal is to set up a puppet principalship, so I’m not liable if the whole “a trampoline in every class” policy hits some snags. Also, I have absolutely zero desire to interact with GAPS.” He then proceeded to run away in perfect cross-country form screaming, “Down with the School Board! Strike forever!” 

Jewel D.

Jewel D. ( “Jewbie” to those in the know) has participated in many activities this past year, including (but not exempt to): “colleging it up: sophomore style”, singing her heart out, and “theater”. Now, you can call a T.W.C reporter many things, but you can’t call them a liar (…or an only child (we have good lawyers)) so to be completely transparent, we weren't really sure what they do at catholic liberal arts colleges. However, to combat this serious lack of information, we sent some of our best reporters up to the luminous “Portlandia” to gather intel throughout the year.

Witnesses of Jewel in the midst of the college’s “finals week” have been so frightened that they felt the need to relay details about these sightings to random people on the street with notepads, who just happened to be us wearing funny hats. “She’ll spend hours in a study room and come out with nothing but tears and a new bridge for a song she wrote 3 months ago.” A long-term friend reports. “Oh, Jewel DeVildeer? I heard she used to live here but then she got Covid, which if you ask me, is SO embarrassing,” a dorm resident discloses. Another anonymous student says, “I am Jewel’s roommate and she has committed acts of violence against me on multiple different occasions. You know the whole “he sees you when you’re sleeping”? Except she sees you when she’s sleeping.” 

Singing and songwriting have been frequent hobbies of this young cow-herderess for years, but rumor on the street (Sesame Street) says she’s now recording her songs (for what reasons this reporter doesn’t dare ask). Sarah D., alleged former TWC reporter and songwriter, was reported to be assisting Jewel with her high jump into the music industry. As you can imagine, writing and recording take quite a bit of collaboration; these two were seen together doing what they would call “syncing their minds” but what others would describe as “rollerblading down Blackberry Ln, alternating flinging each other forward without losing momentum.”

Miss Develdyyr has been dabbling in the theatrical arts for quite some time now, but there have been new developments somehow! Our loyal (gentle) readers remember when she was but a sprout, first gracing the stage with her portrayal of a blind girl in “The Miracle Worker”. Over the last 12 months, Jewel has skillfully pretended to be many people, but the only play she engaged in this year was titled ‘Imminent and Disastrous’ as her character Mrs. Radler. She was also able to create/design costumes for UP’s production of ‘The Prom’. One can only assume this is some form of L.K.S. training for undercover missions in Indiana.

Jewel Dyvildere has been a force to be reckoned with this year. She is no longer a “triple threat”, she has so many more threats than that (at least that’s what the sources say). This summer, she worked herding small animals for the OSU Department of Infantile Disruptions. She has been asked to be a bridesmaid for 2 different weddings (because one wedding party was just simply not enough), survived Covid (barely), and partied with the best of them (by herself when she should be studying). This TWC reporter cannot wait to see what this spunky entrepreneur has up her puffed-sleeves for 2025.

Sarah D. 

Sarah has really dove (dived? doved? dividend?) into her work. I mean, what would you expect from a biology major/Spanish minor, who helps run a non-profit, eats marathons/10ks/triathlons for breakfast, and member of the phi-Capuchino-pad thai honor society, while also participating in a research lab along with many different clubs on campus?

Her tireless work at the Stitch Closet has really paid off. “It’s very exciting work.” says Sarah D. “We get to help hundreds of low-income people in the area find food, clothing, and other necessities. Not only that, but they also said they’ll start paying me soon! And I can steal any clothes I want.” Aside from her basic activities, Sarah has also found time to maintain a healthy (if not a little too infatuated) relationship with her one true love: Volleyball. Sarah’s passion for sport has landed her the role of secretary and treasurer of the sports club. Sarah has also gained a roommate or three, including a certain dark-haired boy who takes up most of her free time. Bear enjoys having Sarah around the house as well. Especially now that he has a new buddy to enjoy timeout with. Isolation in the bathroom just got a whole lot more interesting!  

Despite being really busy hiding dead bodies in the DeVyldere science building at WOU, Sarah has also taken time to really connect with her roots. Western Oregon University’s roots, that is, as an active member of the WOU Tree Committee. While we are unsure how a human was allowed into the committee's inner circle, it seems that her communication efforts have helped grow and protect the tree population on WOU’s campus. That’s right, Sarah and Dani DeVito's similarities don't stop at their shared height, she also speaks for the trees. She’s what some would call “half man, half bush.” Sarah has joined a research lab (not to be confused with Drake, who focuses his research on soft sciences) this year that explores invasive species through roadside flowers and involves wallowing in ditches. 

After losing three of her favorite sisters in the span of two months to one continent, Sarah donned a large red hat and traveled (by map) to Europe to quote “sniff the baguettes.” (And if her professor asks, to go to her brother’s wedding). She was seen in both Essspañña and Oo La La Land, tracking the clues of her sisters like a first player in a Carmen Sandiego story. Sarah Santa Barbara is rumored to have located her sisters when a wave of seemingly time- and space-altering videos hit the internet. When asked why Sarah had so many random videos of her and her lost sisters, she just replied, “This is the best crossover episode yet!”

Lastly, Sarah and her long-time like have moved in together. Yes, Sarah and Bear are cohabitating, and also co-parenting Diego. “It’s actually pretty easy to co-parent. Bear takes Diego for walks, snuggles, and wakes him up in the morning. I feed him and drop him off at school.” To sum up her year, a T.W.C informant described Sarah D. as “full of plants, traveling, always found belly sliding on the gym floor, and in close proximity of way too many animals.” 

Faith D.

Faith D. (SPOILER ALERT: also Spain Faith and Pre-Law Faith, and Hot Girl Summer Faith… she’s basically all Faiths you’ve met in the past year) has had a remarkable year. She started off strong with the last trimester of her college career which included her application and acceptance to law school! Thus started the newest phase: hot girl (brat?) summer, pre-law, pre-spain Faith. Faith reportedly spent her summer working at various fairs/events across the state, (we say “working” but she is, after all, an alleged TWC reporter/editor, she’s always on the clock) witnesses say both Rachel D. and Grace D. also attended these events but they never saw the 3 directly make contact. “They just stood there with their glasses and red shirts, guiding inebriated adults away from ‘no drinking signs’” one witness states. Thankfully, Faith’s other summer activities were a little more normal. They included reading, dancing, and spending time with her roommates. (If you’re not following the sisters._d what are you even doing?) Self-semi-choreographed dances were a very Hot Girl (brat?) Summer, Pre-law, Pre-Spain Faith. With 22-ish years of choreography, journalism, and whatever they do in “collage” under her belt, our young heroine was ready to set off for William and Mary law school. But everyone knows you can’t be a lawyer without moving to Spain and assisting small Spanish children to learn English, right? So with one semi-legal U-turn (wait, are U-Turns legal in Oregon?) Hot Girl (brat?) Summer, Pre-law, Pre-spain Faith was on her way to Al Maria, evolving.

Spain Faith made her debut in early-mid September with many speculators. “I heard she’s joined Jewel/the dark side… Catholics!” With further investigation of this claim, this TWC reporter has deduced that Faith has been affiliating with catholic Spanish children. However unheard of this program may be, it also gives her weird things called “benefits”. For example, they provided housing, information, and what’s this? Fairy God Parents! Being an international gal, the social media fame has really taken a toll on our young padawan. Haven’t you heard? Faith is insta famous now!! You never have to wonder what country she’s in, now she makes aesthetic stories for each one. In addition, she has been attending many spanish book* clubs, when interviewed, bystanders reported three american girls (NOT Samantha, Kit and Molly, much to our surprise) walking through downtown Al Maria saying something along the lines of “In da clerb, we all fam.” One could only assume this is some form of code. Lin Manual Miranda.

Faith’s life so far has been good, but who knows what she’ll do next? It’s not like any news reporters are tracking her every move… This reporter is SO excited to see what John Green book Faith cries over next.

Grace D.

Grace D. spent the beginning of 2024 in the wonderful world of baguettes and Alpro yogurt. Yes, that’s right. Grace spent over eight months away in the small city of Maroon (might want to spell check that one, idk), France with her travel companion/(editor/s note: overhyped) internet sensation, Llamaguita. The two spent months abroad teaching any child they could find about American English, the U.S. political system, and which Thorns players made the Olympic roster this year. Sadly, as the school year came to an end, Grace and her constituent(s?) threw in the towel and gave Macaroon one last look before leaving it forever. Arriving in the States Grace felt like a brand-new person, ready to re-join America with all of her new ideas and cultural perspectives. She arrived home in June of 2024 and after a brief stint with a soccer team entirely composed of DeVyldere Academy stunt doubles, decided to celebrate her arrival...by immediately leaving the country again, though this time Grace D. made the journey without her companion(s) (Note: Editor, was there another one? I feel like there was another one). Rather than revisit her work in Marsupial, Grace decided to explore a lesser-known French city. This of course led her to the humble town of Peris, or, as the locals call it, “Perry” which, as far as we know, bears had little-to-no resemblance to the platypus (whatever that means). Llamaguita is rumored to have found a home in Spain with a non-local yogurt Conosur who has coincidentally also previously cut ties with the fired/rehired (E10) T.W.C editor. The duo's divide shocked many Llamaguita fans worldwide (if you count Germany and probably Arkansas.) When asked about the separation, Llamaguita commented “No tengo ganas de hablar de la persona que me robó mi yogur,” which roughly translates to “We just grew apart, nothing personal.” But we here at T.W.C feel there’s more to this story that remains unanswered. Did Grace not follow Llamaguita on Instagram? Who is this third travel companion, and what are they doing with other people’s yogurt? Was Llamiguita posting slander? Is her wool even real alpaca wool? Why does our editor hate Llamaguita so much? Isn’t this Grace’s year recap?  Not to worry, T.W.C fans, we have our best and most unpaid translators on the case.

Grace has taken her second chance at life- excuse me- France with vigor and has decided to start by clubbing. Yes Grace D. has been seen clubbing at a book club, a rock-climbing group, and the English Teaching for English Teachers in French Schools Teaching English in France Teacher’s Club (AWOACA). Grace's pursuits in Peril seem to show that you can take a DeVyldere out of Oregon, but you can’t take the camp counselor out of the woods. The un-former editor has gone back to her roots and spent a portion of her year in the woods of Peris educating the children of France on important things like proper English, what smores are, and how to construct weapons out of foam noodles, PBC pipe, and LOTS of duct tape. Grace D. has also been dedicating her time to finding the best Strawberry Tart Pastelarias, climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower (bet that rock climbing really came in handy), and being in denial about her elevator.

Rachel D.

The shushing and the potsing and the over 70 percent cocoa chocolate can lead many a DeVyldere to lose themselves in the amoure of vegan-friendly Europe. For Rachel, like other taller DeVylderes before her, fell in love with a short cup of goodness with a European passport. 

It could be the mediocre summer spent in the States that forced Rachel back to the arms of her quote-unquote creamy-like-normal-yogurt lover. Aside from working for an employer we will call, for legal reasons, the company, she also inspired the disenfranchised teen coworkers to adhere to legal break laws. Rachel was called up to the big leagues to manage an incredible roster of talented athletes. Selected for genetic similarity, they competed at the highest league the Corvallis Sports Park has to offer. To make a glorious season of shining golden yellow cards and Ted Lasso-level team bonding short, they dominated and have all temporarily retired. 

In her words “her love, her life, her kingdom, and Sarah’s cat for some Alpro yogurt.” Cutting straight to the betrayal, Rachel D., officially/unofficially unpaid spokeswoman for Alpro yogurt's Spanish contingent moved to Jean “(say it with me “Hi-awaawia)” to reunite with her true love and preach the good news of Schar to native Hawaiians (the white bead is for the superior fluff,  the gold represents the angelic bendable crust, the black is for the mold (that will quickly grow if not consumed immediately), the green is for the VG pesto topping, and the red is for all those gf df Pf blood, sweat, and tears that came before the Schar messiah… or something like that.  

People close (or as close as she lets them), to Rachel had much to say to the T.W.C about her critical breach of girl code to evaporate across continents to pursue her new soy-filled relationship. Keturah D. asked - “who’s going to do…I mean help me…I mean do my math homework?” Daisy echoed a similar sentiment while chewing on a suspiciously familiar math notebook and mumbling something about hair ties. Doulingo expressed concern over this new romance saying “I used to be her only vice.” Grace D, her former flatmate, kept insisting she had broken the three-foot rule! This, much like their common-law marriage and joint custody aloe vera plant Emmanuel, binds them for eternity. Grace D. still resides in France, where Rachel spent the first 4 months of 2024 learning French from very concerned middle schoolers. No one can know what went wrong to make Rachel leave the ever so welcoming and cold French people for the sun-baked city of southern Spain. Grace D. can still recall their last spring, walks along the seine, hiking along the turquoise beaches of Marseille, and laughing in the freezing rain. Although, in all the memories that remain, Rachel rowing gondolas in the Venetian canals, hiking through secret monastery tunnels in Barcelona, and island hopping the Greek isle in search of her fathers…alpro skyre style yogurt was always there in her arms and in her words, France and their fascination with butter was great and all but, French is the mush on toast of languages. (little did she know about Andulucian regional Spanish accents.)

So IDK, pasa nada (yo soy consow) why Rachel and her pocket llama are living in, Spain, baking beautiful pumpkin pies and eating alpro by the beach, but in short…our friend is dooooomed.

Elijah D.

Elijah D. spent the year climbing and sliding. Climbing pointy angular precipices (precipicepii?) whether it be of the (unintentional) garden roof variety or the more glacial version. Sliding into whatever happened to be in his trajectory—whether that be generously watered roof moss, volcanic rock (that’s gonna leave a mark!), or the proverbial (and very literal) spaghetti nõõdle. Climbing the charts in local karaoke competitions and sliding into our DM’s with the best transform-a-bagel-to-doughnut recipes you’ve never heard of! He also transformed a local manufactured home, “Big Red” into a Clifford-themed pad with all the amenities: that’s right—we are talking flooring, walls, roofing, and even a dandy new invention that allows you to dispose of all of your garbage in your kitchen sink. 

Consistently an advocate for his neighbors, Elijah D’s light reading this past year included building codes, city council transcripts, and the formidably health-focused ingredients list for Dave’s Killer Bagels (those bagels aren’t going to doughnut themselves!) When he hasn’t been busy transforming bagels or houses Elijah D. likes to wind down by BUILDING AN EMPIRE TO STAND THE TEST OF TIME, hoarding resources, and punishing lazy peasants (they really should have thought about this before deciding to become peasants). He also spent a lot of time hanging out with a Cat (who is either a real person or a nice cat that he befriended but probably not both). Friends and adventures, empires and peasants, climbing and sliding—Elijah D. is the real bagel-doughnut-eating deal. Climbing takes a lot of perseverance and sliding takes an openhandedness to new possibilities. This year, as a champion of the arts, Elijah conquered both.

Hannah D.

Hannah D. Is currently living in Berzerkley, California studying how (say it with me) “Ilona Maher Should’ve Won Dancing with the Stars.”

Hannah D. took a short break from her busy schedule of brunching and going to Costco with friends to travel to Mexico. Regarding the experience she said, “I was surprised that traveling by map is so expensive.” 

As an extra source of expenses, Hannah D. has also opened up an Airbnb exclusively for people traveling to Europe. However, there was one exception. “I was just living my life when all of a sudden I was forced onto a plane. But I thought “ok, I can spend time with Hannah and drink excessive amounts of boba. But it didn’t stop there. It turns out she organized this entire plot just to get me to go to (pause for dramatic effect) a play.”

This year, the inhabitants of seventeen…s..s…seventeen….17 89 Francisco St. decided to end the Cold War after Hannah dared to turn on the T.V in her living room. Their new bonding activities include making tiny edible homes for mice, watching rugby, and having intimate get-togethers (pause for noise to die down).

As exciting as these events are, 93 days ago, Hannah D. committed to the biggest change to her lifestyle this year: joining a multi-level marketing scheme. “How do you say “The owl is all-powerful” in Hindu?” She quickly conscripted Keturah D., Rachel D., and Jewel D. When asked about her decision to join the cult (read: encouraging learning environment) Keturah D. responded by whispering, “No puedo hablar aquí. Él búho sabe todo.” (Pause for translation) Hannah D. responded to our request for a statement regarding allegations of stalking, threatening, and excessive peer pressure in the cult by saying, “I didn’t plan on being a cult leader, just like I didn’t plan on being Christmas Czar, but what can I say, power suits me.” 

Micah H.

Where to start with Micah H.’s illustrious life? I’m not sure, but do buckle up and keep your hands outside the ride for balance or you will kill us all! This year Meeka debuted a four-day workweek. “I just didn’t have enough time with the cats. After Johanna kicked them out of our room, I didn’t get all that midnight cuddle/wrestle/screaming obscenities at them time that I was used to. Now, I have them all to myself for an extra day.” Mecah spends a lot of his extra time at home wandering the streets, really feeling the cold fresh air of Germany while climbing in bushes and under his neighbor’s porches trying to corral small animals that just want to be free. 

Micha has also been biking. Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? We don’t know, but if we did we’d report it because Faith threatened us after the last few times we didn’t put “any relevant information” in an article.

This year has the announcement we’ve all been waiting for since Johanna and Misha got married: Mishi cut his hair. In an interview, Johanna stated, “He did it voluntarily. I didn’t slowly start cutting it in his sleep and then convince him it was doing it on its own because of psychology stuff…if that’s what you’re wondering.” Off the record, Moshi acknowledged that the move was largely to match the short hair of Zeno and Yoda. “How can you truly relate to your cats if you don’t look just like them?”

We know you were all wondering why the U.S. feels emptier. Besides the increasing number of people from Tangent in Europe (wait for next week/year for our special investigative piece on the factual fact that it is really Tangent that produces the best Europeans), Moceha's growing expat group of slowly Germanizing Americans are taking over Bonn every day now or maybe just Mastodon. We will keep you posted. 

They say you can tell a person by the cover of their books, Mohaja bought multiple books on his favorite topics this year. You are probably thinking computers, or bikes, or social justice. But we have THE source that really knows what is going on in Meisja's life: His internet search history. And what we found is shocking. His new favorite topic is ...... mushrooms. Very unmagical, good old mushrooms. Some reports even place Meeeeecha in the middle of a mushroom frenzy, making every variety possible of mushrooms (e.g. tea, soup, pizza) and stuffing them into cupboards and under beds to avoid suspicion. At this point in time we can only hope he does not trust his mushroom identification skills so much that he will be able to see Spain in the near future.

Johanna H.

The first few hours of Johanna H.'s visit to the U.S. was confusing. A postdoc working in Bon Iver's German basement, Johanna has been known to visit the Pacific Northwest on occasion. But this felt different... had she forgotten something? She surveyed the Hillsboro gas station where she and her bestie Jer-Jer (not to be confused with Jer-Bear) were stranded with unease. Perhaps she needed to think back to the beginning.

Johanna H. started this year watching and lighting fireworks with the Sisters Law, a group of determined European travelers from the new world who liked wearing funny hats and stepping in front of trams. The shrieking kids run around the ever-present bonfire that burns as a symbol of freedom across the street from her shared flat, breaking the otherwise silent night.

After a bonner evening with the Sisters Law, she decided to take her talents south. Sure, she'd continue to teach courses at the local university and collaborate on research projects with scientists around the world. But she also took the time to absolutely shred the black diamond slopes of the Alps. Like seriously, her main complaint was that the runs weren't fast enough and she had to keep stopping for her slow buddy.

Her slow buddy! That's what she had forgotten. How could she have forgotten? She always took her slow buddy to the U.S. to protect against cougar attacks. She had remembered to bring him during her first visit of the year, but for some reason, she totally spaced it this time.

"Oh well." Johanna thought, I clearly can sabotage cars with or without him. And she was also starting to think that cougars were just oversized cats in search of belly rubs (much like her normal-sized cats at home).

In truth, her slow buddy was not always an asset. There were times that he had turned out to be a liability. Like when he talked her into sleeping in an abandoned trailer in Corvallis' second nicest trailer-park and tax evasion scheme. Or during the summer when he followed her to the Alps and refused to wear shoes or shower for a whole week.

But there were also beautiful moments in her life that he had been there for; and as a newly diagnosed ant-person, and being now vulnerable to children with magnifying glasses, she did feel safer visiting her adorable baby niece with him there to block out the sun.

"Yes." She thought. "Although I do prefer traveling with a slow buddy. I have been around the world this year, I can survive a few days stuck next to I-5 with no working cell phones."

And Johanna H. was right. She truly would go on to visit all three U.S states: not only California but also Oregon and Washington. Further, she had been all over Europe: including Germany, southern Germany, southern southern Germany (sometimes called Switzerland), and southern eastern Germany (sometimes referred to as Austria). And she would have what it takes to achieve her true goal in visiting Oregon:

Destroying Tony D. and Elijah D. at Code Words.

Jerusha D.

Jerusha D. has had quite the urban farm this year. While no new animals have been added to her humble north Corvallis family farm, she scouted lumber for and built a fence in her back lawn/barnyard area. The 6ft solid pine fence allows Bear D. to access the outside facilities without having to think about accidentally leaping over a 4-foot fence so he can herd a flock of rabbits, squirrels, or let's face it, the most clueless of the neighborhood wanderers, Amazon drivers. He would just like everyone to be well-herded all the time, is that too much to ask? Jerusha’s chickens were subsequently moved into a larger coup outside of the fence. They ate pumpkin this Thanksgiving and were given ice to keep cool during the cruel summer heat waves. 

Inside, Jerusha’s living room and dining room have seen some upgrades. Next to the water bowl splashes and fireplace ashes she has set out an array of buttons which help Bear more poignantly convey his disappointment about her personal space boundaries (but you belong with me) and questions about whether Jojo wants to “play?” Jojo, in contradiction to the fun-loving, coltish, personality we’ve come to know and love, never wants to play. And yet Bear is consistent. What can I say? Old habits generally die screaming, or in this case by cornering a very annoyed Jojo and suffering the consequences. When asked about such an incident Jojo replied that he often can’t see the facts through all of his furry… hair.

This October Jerusha traveled to New Orleans to exchange friendship bracelets with a very cute dog in the French Quarter and go on a next-level crime girl walk. While there, she also casually caught a show, seeing Taylor Swift’s Era’s Tour. And by casual I mean she definitely did not contact me to ask about hacking Ticketmaster’s website, tell her boss she needed time off over a year in advance, craft multiple outfits which pay homage to the various Taylor eras, study all 31 tracks of the Tortured Poets Society (TTYLPD) Anthology and train Bear to look in people’s windows in order to “really grasp her meaning.” That being said, Jerusha really enjoyed the Eras Tour and we are all very jealous of her foresight, planning, and creativity. 

Outside of farming, Jerusha has had another successful year teaching young children how to sit, and which activities are kind and not kind… honestly, lessons we could all use a little more teaching on. At her work for the Linn-Benton-Lincoln Educational Service District she continually advocates for her kiddos while planning informative, individualized, lessons and doing yoga on her breaks. The fight she has taken up to get her students, as well as everyone she works with, what they need is admirable and T.W.C is truly grateful that she chooses to continue advocating and pouring her heart into this vocation.

Jay D.

Jay B Instant Lawn A.K.A. the man with the plan. A.K.A the man with no plan. We would like to report about our beloved Minnesotan-touched musician, but we can't; not without first talking about the very good boy who's been sleeping just outside his door for the last nine months.

His name is Nikolaj. No, Hannah, it's pronounced: Niko-laj. Whatever. It doesn't matter, he'll respond to most names if said with enough enthusiasm. Niko is a thorough-bred mutt adopted and saved from a life of cage fighting.

Since his adoption, he has been on lots of adventures, including trips to old Mexico where, with characters galore in the Sayulita sun, he ate pineapple pastor with the señoritas and was baptized in the Pacific moon.

It hasn't all been smooth sailing. One of his owners lost a lot of wisdom during some routine dental work. And before Niko was even adopted (and could have protected them) both his owners were in a dangerous car wreck that totaled their beloved home-away-from-home, Van-go.

All was not lost, as they escaped with comparatively minor injuries. They were able to buy another van and Jay was still able to visit his friends and family in Oregon in the spring, though Niko was sad that he couldn't meet the family directly.

After a quick trip to Minnesota to show Niko what real woods looked like, both his owners gathered him in the the living room of their trailer in New Mexico to share some big news: They would be packing up and moving to California (she's got lots of friends out there), and they'll never get bored because there are baguettes to be stolen and birds to be barked at.

Although his new role as a vineyard dog (and best friend of anyone who happens to wander into the house) has been challenging, for Niko it has been worth it to give his favorite human the chance to start a new job working as a project manager for an international company making high-end paper packaging. Niko has come a long way this year. And he's very excited what the new year will bring. Who knows? Maybe his owners will take him to China.

Isaiah D.

Isaiah D., el pastor of Arkansas fame, has recently taken to traveling to Denver. Why, you ask? Apparently there are Vineyard leaders there and T.W.C investigators have discovered he is considering becoming a vintner too. That’s right. You heard it here first folks! The tee-totaler is growing grapes for earnest folks to practice turning into wine. They just need to do it the old-fashioned way as recorded in John 2. There is much to learn about growing the grapes and pruning the vines, etc, etc., as another trip is scheduled for January. 

This Arkansian has been traveling quite a bit, heading to Nashville, Denver and Portland for work-related trips. Together, he and Elise M.D also made an epic trip to New York for his birthday this past year. 

As newly-minted prayer director of Ozark Worship and Prayer, he is co-leading four large gatherings (read 500 or more) this year, partnering with local churches, as well as four smaller worship gatherings out on the Wellspring property, a retreat space their friends purchased.

And that’s not all. Isaiah D. has also become a podcaster. His 4-part series on Men, Women and the Gospel, which he recorded with Priest Ashley, got raving reviews. And his newest release Surprised by Hope is climbing the charts this advent season.

Elise M.D

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred Matchas. How do you measure, measure Elise’s year?

If you’re like us, you might know that there are many ways we can measure the past year of Elise M.D (A medical doctor). For example, one might look at her continued work at Canopy helping families of refugees, and choose that as the focal point of her year. They might choose to highlight the way she’s hosted and plans to host even more women-only dance nights and acknowledge the way she brings joy to the people of Smallville Arkansas through her Shakira-like moves. Or they might look at the children’s art showcase she put on, and recognize the meaningful contribution she is making to the kids in her program by allowing them to be celebrated for their talents. Others might choose to focus on the retreat she hosted this year (surprisingly also filled with dancing). But the O.G fans (e.g. real investigative reporters that work here at T.W.C HQ) understand that Elise’s year is so much more than that. We know that Elise’s achievements and activities, however impressive they may seem at first, are but a speck of dust on the purple clover that is being held by the giant elephant in the sky that is Elise’s Matcha obsession.

Elise and Matcha, a power couple for the new millennium. When we started to look at Elise’s actions over the past year a pattern arose that we couldn’t ignore. And it turned out to be the answer to all of our questions. Why did Elise and Isaiah D. travel to Spain and Paris this summer? Although they both attest it was for the culture and to see friends’ babies (a worthy goal) the more likely answer is for Spanish/Parisian Matcha. And why did they make multiple trips to Denver, and one to New York this year (after years of Elise begging Isaiah to visit)? The proof is in the Matcha. Our sources tell us that Elise has visited an uncanny amount of Matcha shops this year, and her obsession has even grown to the point where she is attempting her own Matcha replicas at home using secret Korean skincare ingredients. Some say the Matcha phase started when Elise, fed up with her human existence, sold her voice to a sea witch in exchange for flippers to give her a competitive edge on her new swim team, and she needed the Matcha to fuel her intensive exercise. Others insist Elise has always liked Matcha, but only recently allowed herself to make large-scale life decisions based on this love (something we all fully support, by the way). Either way, two things are certain in Elise’s life: the Matcha options in Arkansas must be terrible, and Isalise will be spending a lot more time cleaning their ceiling.

Mom D.

Mom D. has spent this year in a whirlwind of words. She has finished three years of the Prophetic Company’s Activate Certified Trainer program, graduating with honors* in a heartwarming, friend-filled ceremony in Austin. She completed a migration pattern from Tangent to Austin and to Fayetteville, before returning to where she had left her spawn, Oregon. Mom D. worked and struck with the Greater Albany Public School District during this year, working alongside such household teacher names as Jerusha DeVyldere (Teacher Rusha), Senior Hannigan (thank you for making no-spanish Friday’s a reality), and Mrs. Watts (she’s at least famous amongst the South Albany Highschool Hypoglycemic/Orthodontic Teenagers (SAHHOT (pronounced ‘suh hot’) trademark pending (2024))), to educate Willamette valley children of all ages.

Leah R. DeVyldere has spent this year writing, editing, re-editing, fighting with Canva, arguing with Siri (unrelated to publishing a book), and throwing her hands up in despair. That’s write (...) she wrote a book. Titled “It’s Their Kingdom: Guiding Youth into the Spiritual Realm”, this page-turner is full of the stories from her life experiences as well as our (other D. related family member’s) experiences teaching children about God. This long-anticipated handbook includes stories of….well, I haven’t actually read it yet but my sources tell me** there are accounts of miracles as well as (veggie?) tales from teaching children younglings to hear the voice of God (and also 5-year-olds to spritz-dye shirts,  play ukuleles, like bananas and more). 

* the honor of having one child jump up and shout while she crossed the stage. She also got a flower crown so….

** Mom D. is my source for the content of her book but also, more generally, any book which I may be somewhat interested in. It’s great, have you ever wanted to read a book but lacked the reading acuity/patience/wherewithal? (not sure what that means but it seemed literary)/time to sift through all those words? Well “read” all the books with Leah R. DeVyldere. Leah is an incredibly fast reader, great at pulling out main themes, interesting facts, and novel ideas. She’ll relay all the necessary information over the phone, during a car ride or even over a slice of lemon meringue pie filling at the Corvallis’ Shari’s. Leah R. DeVyldere, for all your reading needs.

Dad D. 

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Super-Dad! What other 64-year-old do you know who climbs mountains for fun, works tirelessly for truth, justice, and the DeVyldere way, and creates his own triathlon to show off his prowess? As part of his lifelong mission of investing in women’s sports, Dad D. had a dream: “I have a dream that my eight daughters will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their clothing but by their ability to win at sports.” What if I created a triathlon and included my daughters? he asked himself. He whimsically titled his triathlon the “TRIATHA-BOMB,” for its explosive energy, volatile excitement, and latent potential to destroy its participants via muscle failure.

Three daughters joined Tony in the race. The trio gave their all to the process of swimming, biking, and running, but sadly for women in sports everywhere, they were no match for Super Da…. er Dad D. “How did this 64-year-old father win the big race?” you ask? The T.W.C has uncovered the inside scoop for you. Ever creative, Dad D. discovered a better and faster way through the water. While his competitors were crawling and hacking their way through the cold murky lake attempting to not get tangled in copious weeds, Dad took a higher way. Balancing on paddleboard and rowing ahead of the pack, he led the front swimmers to follow in his victorious wake. Emerging first from the water, Dad D. quickly got on his bike to pedal twenty-six miles over the river and through the woods, up and down large mountains to a previously unknown location.  Once again discovering a more efficient way to compete in the race, Dad D. creatively navigated his way over roads not on the initial raceway.

This spry genius employed similar strategies in the running portion of the race. When asked about his secret strategies, Dad D. noted, “Turns out it's much faster if you bike while they run!” Judges are looking into allegations brought by other triathlon participants that not every action Dad D. took during the race was aboveboard. When asked about the allegations, Dad D. announced, “I read the fine print. There did not seem to be rules for this race.” He went on to defend his title, stating that his competitors could challenge him next year.“ I am just happy to be supporting women in sports,” he concluded. Other participants were unavailable for comment.

Besides winning triathlons, Dad D. has been mastering the Olympic sport of Dog Ear and Belly Rubbing. Josh D., his partner in the event, had positive things to say about Dad D’s skill development in the past season. “He’s really working to perfect his technique,” Josh commented. We’re going to be the team to beat in ‘26.”

While working for the Samaritan Health Hospital system for over two decades could slow him down, the challenge of multi-tasking inspires Dad D. to new heights of inspiration. Channeling his ADHD for good, he continues purchasing, maintaining, and developing the Omni-cell Med Delivery service for five hospitals in five different Oregon towns.

Grandpa John

Grandpa John has spent the entirety of 2024 living in the Corvallis Caring Place, except for that one time he drove his scooter down toward the river and got a bit turned around. On a positive note, he is making new friends…  with the local police force. Grandpa has gone on several exciting field trips with his class… er housemates, including ones to the Wildlife Safari in Winston, the Arctic Museum in Independence, and the Albany Carousel.

Also exciting was the night he found himself on the floor after a nighttime potty break. After he pushed his “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” button, an aide came in to check on him. “What’s up, John?” the aide asked.

“Obviously, not me, “ he quipped.

“Can I give you a hand?” the aide asked while offering his arm to help him rise.

“I guess I really need one,” he replied, brandishing his left hand with missing fingers.

Grandpa J is still attending Life Community Church potluck on Wednesdays, men’s group on Thursdays, and Sunday morning worship service at North Corvallis Ministry Center. Some say he’s even been conducting an underground Christmas caroling ring. Unfortunately, we are not at liberty to discuss what may or may not have happened on Christmas Eve in any detail, but let’s just say that the Caring Place halls seem much merrier since the invasion. Overheard in the halls were questions and comments, 

“What business are you from?” 

“Who are all these people?”

“STOP. I want to sleep.”

“I heard they were from the same family but how could that be?”

“Thanks John. 

These are all your grandchildren? You are one lucky guy!” 

We here at TWC are investigating the suspicious luck rumor. Meanwhile, Grandpa John continues to win any and all Scrabble games to which he is challenged. Is this luck or something more diabolical? You be the judge.

Mass exodus to Europe due to unknown causes: LKS Investigates

The DeVyldere is a strange being in that they frequently temporarily relocate to try to pursue higher education and/or just hide from real adult life in Europe. The latter has been causing serious changes in the local ecosystem. In recent years, the Oregon population of DeVylderes has been dwindling. Once thought to be due to habitat loss, the LKS is investigating the emergence of a clear migration of DeVylderes towards Europe. While this phenomenon is not new, it has grown in recent years. Some DeVyldere succeed in finding a warmer climate for the winter, while others don’t. Sometimes a DeVyldere gets lost during their flight and mistakenly builds a nest in a cold and rainy climate. These lost DeVylderes face extreme competition for habitable spaces and some even try to integrate into the local population as a way of securing food resources and shelter. LKS investigative reporter Sarah D. traveled to Europe to observe some of the DeVylderes. “I watched them for days; it was really boring.“ The good thing is that almost all DeVylderes appear to return to Oregon during the summer months when the temperatures are warmer. This gives hope for the future where over half of all DeVylderes live in Oregon. “A good example of some of the habitat protection we’ve been doing is preventing Keturah from turning the sunroom into a library, and installing a couch in Mom D.’s office.” The LKS has also tried to lure DeVylderes (such as the ever-elusive Jay) back to the region, with promises of vans down by the river. Only time will tell how climate change affects the seasonality of these migrations as Oregon summers get hotter and competition for bunks in the air-conditioned sunroom increases.

Mom and Dad D. officially have a family of 2.5

Mom and Dad D. have finally realized that they only have 2.5 kids. “Yeah, about three, maybe four, weeks ago we realized that if we weren’t talking, the house was quiet,” says Dad D. “At first, I thought that maybe they were all out for a minute, but when no one asked me to cut their hair after 11 pm for a whole week? I knew something had changed,” adds Mom D. The parents now spend their free time practicing their passive-aggressive sarcasm while pretending to play hand and foot, and having date night every night. “We don’t even have to gaslight anyone by changing the nights we have date night every week and then assuring them we’ve only ever had date night once per week on this specific night,” says Dad D. “Frankly, I’m not sure they’re as fun without the psychological component.”

Daisy, Lyric, and sometimes Euphoria (on weekends and holidays and all throughout May) have struggled to adapt to the situation. “I haven’t eaten in weeks because there’s simply just not enough people around to convince to feed us. It’s like they’re talking to each other about who should feed us and when, and they’re using some sadistic and random schedule. Please put any food you can on the floor so that we can make it through the winter.” Stay tuned with TWC for more info on what house project the parents will undertake to fill the hole in their mostly empty -yet still full of cats- nest.

Unions: for the Working Cats

They did it! The cats in the Hartung household unionized. We were suprised it took them so long as they basically grew up in a socialist country. And no, we are not talking about Germany. We are talking about the communist veggie cult that their humans are in.

Due to his qualification as the loudest cat in Europe, Zeno was voted to be the union's spokesman. He began his work right away, pawing at doors every day and endlessly meowing for his cause. They fought hard to get Micah to not forget their dinner on the counter. Their biggest goal, however, was more freedom.

Zeno wore Micah down and with a little help of Yoda, they finally got what they always dreamed of. They can now collect all the fleas in the neighborhood and get war wounds from fights with cats that are not their brother. Most importantly though, they can catch mice and bring them home to teach Micah how to find mice in the apartment, dead or alive. Our secret source (Yoda H.) confirmed that Micah started the training program, but progress has been slow. The union is discussing new steps for 2025 and hope Micah will be well-prepared for the basic training.

Without further ado, here's the 2024 Christmas Recap Photo Gallery:

https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/16BMFBFL-XsHZJPjDaoVaoZhsTdYZ-xwjQ5cAjXH7mWE/edit?usp=sharing

Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet!!!