The Weekly Comet 85 (comments and criticisms welcome)
It was a dark and stormy night, around 4 pm (p.m. for you Chicagonians). A blinding light flashed across the sky, illuminating the otherwise calm Blackberry Lane. A man stumbled towards the dark and foreboding house in the middle of the street. Its door hanging open like a gaping mouth, uttering a silent scream. The man’s long white beard was stained with blood and cookies.
“Ho ho,” he muttered in between off-kilter steps and fits of coughing.
Welcome to The Weekly Comet Christmas Spectacular! We are the only news outlet that rises above the spin, the prejudice, and the facts to report what likely could happen if the local chapter of the LKS is successful in appropriating FIM-92 Stinger missiles using the Department of Defense surplus disposal program. Which, as a fun reminder, is available to every law enforcement agency in the US.
We've been hard at work for this edition, and it is our pleasure to bring you the news, the facts, the half-remembered hearsay, and yes, the drama that you have come to expect from the TWC. But as this is the Christmas special, we're turning things up to 11 and asking Grace to please stop changing the password to the account. Gosh. Okay. Where were we? Right 11. No, we're turning things up to at least 13 (who stops at 11? Not us).
You want a fresh take on how Elijah has cornered the market on trailer-omelets? One splash of yoke on some burning hot corrugated tin roofing, coming up! You want to know who is secretly working to undermine the tree master and make it impossible to find the perfect-sized box for your gift? One scathing exposé on the harsh realities of big recycling and how GSRMC hates Christmas, hot off the presses! You want to know how we only seem to put together one issue per year? … well um… we've been busy… with stuff. But do you want to know the latest hot goss? Because we have the boiling hot rumors that you crave.
Even if the combined forces of the (philosophically, if not actually) little kids have yet to be enough to down Santa Claus, turning him into a deranged lunatic bent on revenge, a lot has happened this year, and we were around for most of it, which makes us credible (but definitely not culpable) sources. Therefore, it is our editorial position that you should settle in, take a deep breath, and grab one or more family members for emotional support: Because y'all are in for a wild ride.
….
(You can breath out now)
Keturah D.
Keturah is a keeper. As in, you’d keep her in school even if you had to use fences to do it. It’s been a rough start at South Albany Penitentiary this year, now that students aren’t allowed to use their phones. When asked about the new statewide policy, Keturah responded, “How am I supposed to communicate with people outside the country now? I used to FaceTime them all the time when I was in class and wasn't doing anything important but now it's all 'that’s against policy' and 'we're taking a test now, you can't be calling people.'”
Keturah continued her role as part of South Albany high school JV soccer, though she moved up to playing forward because she was too good to hold back. She also continued following in her sisters footsteps and decided that she too can speak french as a reporter in the upcoming SAHS Theater Production: Anastasia. And in a school seemingly filled with her older siblings footsteps and cleat-tracks, Keturah has also broadened her repertoire by singing in a choir while not standing directly behind the conductor.
While gainful employment is not for everyone, Keturah is not everyone (yet) and has picked up work as an undercover princess and hedgehog smuggler; sneaking into kids birthday parties, and smuggling the animals across statelines to San Francisco (multiple times!). The agency she's been contracted with, TCB: The Controlling Badly-dressed company, is known to many, but crucially not to Disney... yet. Her most daring caper to date was when she, while disguised with a bright red sunburn, told people that water was more of a danger to public safety than guns at a county fair.
In climate news, a major tipping point was reached this year: convincing Mom D. to go to “just a short, 4-hour meeting” at LBCC. “Keturah D. is a great driver, and has never made a mistake while driving ever," says Mom D. (This statement was paid for by the committee to let Keturah drive to Portland).
Ezra D.
Ezra D. Brother, friend, and as of a (not so) recent development, thespian??? You read that right, word on the street (Sesame Street) is Ezra’s in the big leagues! [Note to editor: you don’t pay me enough to utilize successful or correct theatrical terminology. See this as a subliminary strike if you must.] This spunky up-and-comer has appeared in many on-stage productions this past year, and this (mostly) well-informed reporter is on the case! He started his year off strong, portraying Chuck Cranston in SAHS’ production of Footloose. Many witnesses at the scene have reported a distinct lack of “Sunday shoes,” more information to come. Ezra followed this smashing debut with his role as Darry (Daryl) Kurtis in South’s production of The Outsiders. Now, you might be thinking, “I see Ezra being a big brother everyday. What’s so special about this?” Well, does his real life (alleged) younger sibling have a really weird, unconventional name? Maybe so…we haven’t exactly researched that far… But, seriously, he doesn’t wear nearly as much guyliner in his everyday life, and that’s what counts. Most recently, Ezra rounded off his year spectacularly, playing the role of Fred in SAHS’ portrayal of A Christmas Carol. If you didn’t catch the show, (and you happen to have been living under a rock your whole life) Fred is Ebenezor Scrooge’s nephew in the story, and is originally played by Donald Duck in the movie. You can catch our young entrepreneur this coming January as he plays many characters in South’s performance of Anastasia (Now that’s what I call a performative male….. Get it? Because he’s performing? Again: not paid enough to make realizable jokes).
Now, think back to roughly 6 or 7 months ago. Did you find yourself thinking “Man, I wonder where Ezra is” or “I haven’t seen Ezra in forever” or “I think the trees behind Goodwill look neater than usual”? Well, after some intense digging (led by Sr. Reporter Joshua D.), experts have deduced that Ezra has joined the Fireside Girls. That’s right, this past summer, Ezra was seen hiking around the back allies of Albany with his troop of 7-8 misfit part-time employees, maintaining foliage and organizing unprecedented flash mobs in Monteith park. Locals have now confirmed that he did finally (yet potentially illegally) obtain his drive-your-coworker-to-the-ER-in-the-company-car badge, officially earning over half his sash points [Note: extensive knowledge of girl scout terminology is also not in my job description…not sure who put me on this article] [Also note: Keturah if you just don’t mention your lack of specialized knowlegde no one will ever notice, it’s company policy and you don’t want to end up like Grace].
All in all, it’s safe to say (and any other conclusion sentence starters you prefer), Ezra D. has sure had an exciting year. From performing on the stage, to conforming in the hallways (he does go to SAHS after all), this reporter has greatly enjoyed witnessing all that Ezra has done this year. We at TWC can’t wait to see what awaits him in 2026. Will he bring home a trophy from the State Choir Competition? Will he continue the pattern of getting lost on his way to “book club” and mysteriously ending up in Keizer? Will his history teacher actually figure out that he and his friend in the other “Women in History” class period answer the same thing to every warm up question? We hope to see you next year to find out!
Jewel D. (Number 11. Whoooof…Hannah… “I know you're tired”. Hang in there).
(the author later realizes that we go young to old and that this is only our third one, but decided to keep the joke so just go along with it)
Jewel. What can I say about Jule that hasn't already been said in the endless nuance of a small Portland liberal arts college’s theater productions? A lot, but the lighting won’t be half as good. So, grab a program and hide your Mike's Hard Lemonade under your roommate's mattress, cause there’s a whole lot more to R.A Jewell than her 6-7 day jobs. This year she's been a busy butterfly and yes, okay, yes, she only confiscated your cinnamon latte soy candle to burn in her end-of-semester cleansing seance on the college president's lawn, but the point is that Jewel is a cool R.A. Not like those narcs over at Willamette (they know what they did). Alongside her new job working for the man, A.K.A.K.A extorting her friends by offering to not tow their cars for a small fee and saving her father from the evil clutches of Prince John, Kiera’s been seen frequenting the local the university stages. Fans say they have trouble telling which character she plays due to her expert chameleon-like performances. She professionally melts, like really good German chocolate into touching poignant roles like “the sobbing pilgrim” “emo chick” and an oscar winning performances such as “Scrounge McDuck.” “A little too close to the truth if you ask me” says one unnamed source…Jewel.. Jewel told me that while I was writing this article.
What Jewelites (rabbid fans of Jewel) are really excited about is her immersive, two month living performance piece in Vienna where her alter ego Marie was seen this summer wandering the lively hills, dancing, singing and sighing across the picturesque alps (as well as waltzing in three inch heels while leaping across gazebos and benches). Her work in those Viennese fields and other mist covered dawn scapes seems to have fueled her recent and ground breaking declaration to pursue not one just degree in psychic reading, but also to become a major theater general. And of course, for those still in denial, a Spanish minor… maybe. Jewelites can expect to see the Major General Jewel starring as Clodette in the much anticipated play Revolution play this spring. We are expecting a large turn out due to her recent growing Jewlites fan base after she went viral for a refereshing moment of honesty where she admitted to knowing the “you are tired” trend. After this revelation, Jewelites will follow Major General Jewel wherever she wants to go, as long as she doesn’t write them up of for hoarding ducks in their dorm room or name them in her seance manifesto.
Sarah D.
When future historians look back at the DeVyldere Gilded Age, few relationships will be more notable than Sarah’s current commitment. That’s right, this year, Sarah and volleyball took monumental steps in their courtship. Sarah moved out of Jerusha’s halfway house (home for all lost and broke sisters) and into a new apartment right on WOU campus. While she publicly attributes her decision to move to a number of factors, including a desire for a mold closet, easy-to-break-in windows, and close proximity to her work at the stitch closet/food pantry, we know the only true factor is that she is only 300 Kropegs from her beloved rec volleyball court. As president of the volleyball cult-I mean club, Sarah not only decides practice schedules and signs her team up for tournaments, she also abuses her power to meet her own volleyball-obsessed needs. On days when the women’s club team doesn’t meet (and the puzzle (read: student) lounge is closed) Sarah uses her presidential influence to pressure the campus recreation student workers to set up the volleyball nets up to half an hour earlier than their set open volleyball time, in order to squeeze every ounce of volleyball out of each evening. Sarah has even been known to spend hours a day during her breaks working on all kinds of volleyball dark magic, including a “floating serve” and what was once described as “the scariest spike we’ve ever seen come from someone 5 foot 3.”
Sarah and Volley’s time together has had both positive and negative effects on her senior year at WOU. Although Sarah now plays on the varsity club team, other areas of her life have taken a hit (pun intended). Her volleyball obsession has convinced all but a few biology professors to leave after this year in the wake of Sarah’s attendance. Some say it’s because of budget cuts, some say there were one too many dissected frogs hit by a volleyball for any self-respecting professor to stay; there’s literally no way of knowing. When asked to comment, Sarah D. responded, “It’s their fault for making me take classes in the summer, Volley and I need our time together.” Thankfully, Sarah still has just enough professors left to graduate this coming spring, after finishing out her last year as the Lorax. In anticipation of graduation, Sarah has already set her sights on the next chapter. Although her planning is in the early stages, it seems like Sarah will be approaching her doctoral degree via a distinct pathway from her sisters, Elise, M.D., and Hannah, doctorate to the stars. Instead, Sarah will be applying to medical school. “But anonymous TWC writer,” you ask, “what’s going to happen to Sarah and Volleyball when she has to add MKAT studying to her already long, impressive, and yet slightly masochistic list of responsibilities?” To all those who worry about the fate of Sarah and her one true love, just remember: Sarah and volleyball have already survived through tough times, and their commitment to each other runs deep. Volleyball has been there for Sarah through multiple student jobs, the dreaded microbiology, and every single family function over the past 3 years. As Sarah D. has already shown us, when it comes to volleyball, she can do it with a broken arm.
Diego P.M.
We don't talk about Diego, no, no, no. We don't talk about Diego, but!
If we were to talk about Diego we couldn't help but mention his summer employment as a wild firefighter. This entailed many grueling hours working in the rugged forests of southern Oregon and around the country. Digging trenches as sweat dripped down his chiseled chest. It was just too damn hot to keep his shirt on, so he instead opted to use suspenders to hold up his tight forest service green shorts. Rumor has it you can book him in the off-season for all your forest fire needs. Any who among you doesn't have a smoldering forest fire about to get out of control? You be the one to throw the first stone/dollar bill.
Aside from mesmerizing the good people of the forest service with his rugged looks and daring deeds, Diego's primary role has been that of one of Bear's favorite people. "Diego?" Is all it takes to send Bear into a literal tail-spin. However, living at the Lewisburg farm has taken its toll on the young couple and he attempted to have an honest and frank discussion with Sarah D. about taking some time apart. Now, in a TWC world-exclusive we are delighted to be able to share with you the full transcript:
Diego: "Hey, I wanted to talk about independence..."
Sarah: "Great town. Very close to school."
Diego: "No, I'm think about moving out."
Sarah: "To Independence? Sure we can move there. I just need to make sure we find an apartment with room for Bear to visit. Great idea."
Oh well, better luck next time, Diego. We wish all the best with your gardening endeavors in Independence. At least you have your fluffy coat. Which as a reminder about the wildfire always burning at the TWC: you're welcome to show us how it reverses any day of the week.
Faith D.
Faith D. Sister, hero, scholar,10 dollar, foundingfatherwithoutafa- what? Oh- Right. Yes: Faith. You might not know this, but Faith is actually no longer an Oregon donor. After (roughly) 23 fabulous years, Faith has left Oregon to pursue another by the name of "Virgeenia". While our beloved Oregonia is heartbroken, it holds out hope that our spry heroine has found the place of her lawyer dreams in Virgeniana. It was especially encouraging to hear that William and Mary Law School was in such closer proximity to Harvard (where Elle Woods created law, back in 2001). After scoring a 1500 on the LSAT [Note: this reporter is not subject to persecution if, perchance, the legal language used/overall knowledge law referenced in this article is found somewhat “faulty”], and meeting a maximum of 5 loves of her life in airports nationwide, it’s clear to this reporter Faith is certainly on the track to world domination (but you didn’t hear that from me).
If you’ve been hanging in the near vicinity of Faith this year at any time (or if you happen to attend the spontaneous muppets.in.space powerpoint nights), you’ve heard about her new career goal: Judge on the hit TV show Dancing with the Stars! Now, you might be thinking, “I thought Faith was going to be a lawyer?” and/or “Is she secretly an FBI agent on a mysterious side-quest??” But fear not, there’s a reason the job title has the word “judge” in it, our sources say that Faith is already on track to becoming a Judge by 2032 [Note: TWC reporters are not bound to authentic facts. To quote our dear editor: “Keturah. It’s Christmas day 8 minutes before we publish. Accurate information doesn’t exist anymore.”] Regardless of previously addressed worries, faith is more than qualified for this position, and would be able to provide a clear, unbiased perspective to the show (unless Milo Manheim comes back on). Need more proof of her capabilities? You can check her past dance experience from the comfort of your home on Instagram! You heard that right, Faith is still choreographing and starring in videos on the everchanging sisters._d dance account!
With new law adventures, continued dance adventures, and mysterious sightings of her run with (from?) a group of strangely organized exercise enthusiasts, it’s safe to say that Faith’s year has been quite the exciting one. Some questions still remain for 2026: Will she successfully obtain her DWTS dreams? Will she finally finish the rough draft from a rough draft of a rough draft? Will she own up to the consequences of breaking the “no friends with the same name as your siblings” rule (*cough* Hannah *cough*)? This reporter is practically dying to find out! (or maybe that’s the lack of sleep).
Grace D.
Grace: Where has she been? Uhhhh, every school district this side of Sweet Home, and also this side of Eugene, but definitely THAT side of Albany’s annual veterans day parade (staying updated but far away from her alma mater).
Whereas Grace once went to sleep watching the lights of the Eiffel Twer shimmer outside her window, now she’s found her true calling: substitute teaching. “They just blindly trust me with kids and power tools sometimes. It’s great!” Says Grace D. “And those reports of me stalking the French teachers are completely false. I just happen to always be hanging around outside their classrooms!”
However, Grace’s time in Europe wasn’t all fun and games. She had to take multiple trains to a bus to a small child peddling a tricycle to get to her school every day, except weekends and holidays, and all throughout May and January (pretty much whenever her arch enemy, the France mail system, decides to make a new 2-week holiday). Grace also started a club to bribe children with candy to talk to her in English, a strategy she has brought back to the states, where she routinely clears out the Winco bulk candy aisle in her quest for “behavior management.” On her way back home, Grace got lost in Spain. 11 days, 165 miles, and 17 bagpipes later, she found an airport in Santiago de Compostela, then took the wrong bus and ended up at the end of the world. This is, of course, after almost joining multiple charcuterie-based cults along the journey. To counteract her decline in spice tolerance from living in France, Grace also spent a few months working at Evergren Indian Restaurant in Corvallis. “It’s part of the immigration process. When you get to France, they burn your spices in front of you and make you swear that bell peppers are spicy.”
Grace also played soccer with solely other internationals, but her greatest feat was finding housing in Paris. Because we don’t talk about Italy, Grace visited the Tangled tidal island in the north of France (the camera adds 10 degrees Fahrenheit) walked across an airplane runway to climb the biggest rock in the world (wait when does something stop being a big rock and start being a small mountain?), saw Munich’s perpetual wave before it stopped, and fulfilled a lifelong dream: surf camp. She spent somewhere between one week and a month surfing the waves and realizing the lazy Australian surfer stereotype has some truth to it. When NOT asked about surf camp, Grace said, “ We should go to surf camp in Brazil” multiple times a day, every day, for the last 6 months.
Overall, Grace is happy to be back in Oregon, where it rains nine months of the year and floods the other three.
Rachel D.
To whom it will concern: The two thousandth and twenty fifth year of our Loyd came bringing many trials and dairy-related tribulations for the heroine of the de Vyldere family; and Rachel D. began it much the same way that she had most previous years, with a alpro-yogurt cup in her hand and some fuzzy slippers barely hanging on to her feet in a hostel in Milan, as two overly excited sisters tried to get her to go sight-seeing with her in the freezing cold. Okay, maybe that's not how she started *every* year. The year before it was Berlin.
Although she was temporarily caught up visiting other countries, Rachel spent a good deal of time in Spain while being covertly followed by Grace D. It's not clear why Grace was following her to the end of the world, Spain, but it was clear that she did NOT bring a spork, charging cable, or a map. It was either dumb luck or a sinister plot that allowed her to survive this long.
All good things must come to an end, and after hiking for days, and seeing the end of the known world, Rachel D. did what all responsible children do (after Jerusha's trailer is full): move back in with the parents to growl at the theater kids and feed their cats.
As a means of improving her financial situation, Rachel has taken a job speaking very loudly at people on the phone while eating from a seemingly endless supply of sushi that passes her desk on a conveyor-belt. When asked why she was yelling at customers, she replied, "that is just what some customers are into I guess." We at TWC feel very lucky that we've never had to pay for such services given our close relationship with Rachel and our infuriatingly loose relationship with truth: she yells at us for free.
Of course this is not what she has come to Corvallis to do. No, if Rachel has one mission, it's to motivate her new Highschool friends to shove, trip, and otherwise fight for victory at all costs. Using Grace as her lieutenant, she has marshaled an army and is willing to stop at nothing until they win the tri-county-indoor-soccer championships, penalty box be damned. So stay tuned for the two thousandth and twenty sixth year of our Loyd, as Rachel returns to Santiam Christian to recruit directly from the source.
Elijah D.
2025 was a hard year for Elijah. His health challenges continued to deepen and the struggle for a diagnosis continued. With pain, persistent sleep problems, gut issues and weakness in his legs, Elijah found that he needed to step back from a lot of the contracting work he has done over the last several years.
Still, with the energy he had, Elijah was able to attend a couple of festivals in Eastern Oregon and Washington and join the family trip to the Bay area in July.
One day this year, Elijah was floored to discover that his beloved trailer now has no… floor. Where did it go? Even more shocked, though, were dozens of cats that had been engaged in noisy, sensual, and evidently productive activity underneath his trailer every spring since at least 1970. “Where's the damn ceiling?” one feline club goer complained. “Maybe we should just move this party to Portland.”
Now living with Cat in her famous cats-only trailer commune, Elijah has dedicated himself to hot tubbing, strategy games, and seeking much-needed medical support from apathetic medical professionals of all persuasions. *Could* they help? Almost certainly. But it turns out they get paid either way.
TWC is investigating this concept called “paying” your workers, just to see if that might motivate them to finish their blurbs before 10:29 AM on CHRISTMAS DAY!
“If it worked for the American Healthcare system, it's good enough for us” said Editor in Chief Faith D. while simultaneously editing two bios and firing Grace.
Catalina S. (not a real cat)
This year brought Cat to an inevitable conclusion of her own making - a trailer full of cats. That's right - Cat and her feline sidekick Maow Maow adopted a kitten named Biscuit (no relation to the flaky, buttery glutinous menace that in past decades the reader would have eaten with soup). Biscuit, who was raised on the wrong side of the Mary's in the hard-scrabble neighborhood of Twin Oaks, has already taken up mixed martial arts and parkour.
Also in 2025, a new challenge emerged in graphic design (Cat’s chosen path for financing her grocery habit, her addiction to having a car, living indoors, and other such luxuries) - the threat of AI! Now all her corporate overlords have to do is push a button and - PRESTO! - they have a sensible, easily discernible graphic, in which the people depicted have exactly the right number of fingers. With all the money they saved, Cat's employer can now afford to send potential customers on free trips to somewhere called the “Uncanny Valley.”
Cat also took a well-planned road trip in the middle of the night to see San Francisco for the first time. “I thought it would be warmer,” Cat told a TWC reporter who was serendipitously hiding in some nearby bushes. “It is nice, though annoying, paying 60% more for restaurants and never being able to park.”
From festivals to backpacking to a host of new injuries from tiny claws, Cat's year has been a beautiful experiment in trying new things. One such adventure has been trying new vegetables of various kinds, which in a TWC exclusive interview, Cat revealed were “not that bad”. “My one complaint is that my cats don't cuddle with me enough,” she said tearfully. “One's always hiding, and the other one has chosen a life of violence.”
Hannah D.
Perpetual bruncher and sometimes basketballer, our Hannah D. is going through some life changes currently. She's begun the process of graduating from Bezerkly, which takes the form of a rhythmic tightening and relaxing of the muscles in your brain, as you both don't want to work on your thesis but also must work on your thesis. Healthcare providers sometimes call these mini-graduations "surges". You should really submit before the graduation parties are 15 minutes apart.
Before the increasingly close graduation ceremonies started, Hannah D. had finally managed to gather all of her chickens under one roof: Moving into a furnished and luxurious house in south Bezerkly with some of her besties and a view of the city. Importantly she has a parking spot that allowed her to park her new car that she got for free.
But with Hannah's cortex expanding in anticipation of the thesis pushing its way out, came an unexpected life twist: There's no more school left for her to complete. When consulted about this, Hannah said she had even checked under the bed, but after 30 years, a litany of papers, and multiple degrees, she's fresh out of homework. Hannah told us not to panic, and although the idea of not being a student is enough to make her pass out, she's already begun a side hustle as a Korean pop-star / demon hunter.
Side question: Is it murderer if they don't have souls? Are some demons redeemable but not others? Where do you draw the line? And how do you remain in orientation with that line across multiple image captures?
While Hannah is rumored to have multiple lucrative offers in her field of (say it with me) "is that boba from a mix and what sugar options do you have?", in these unstable times we here at TWC want to offer that she can always move back to the parents and work for us as an unpaid intern. No, we can't offer a 401k, but the cats are real (and hungry), the laundry situation is complicated, and the Rachels are grumpy: Who could say no to that?
Micah D.
Our TWC spies…ahem, scratch that, reporters stalking…again, not quite the right word, let's start again: our very professional TWC reporters following the person of public interest, Micah H., were quite busy this year. Although M.H. changed his last name a couple of years ago to confuse our reporters, they are - of course - way too professional to fall for this cheap trick. So they followed him on lots of trains, night trains, trams, buses, even an airplane, an overnight ferry, and a boat, but mostly biking (which Micah does not seem to get tired of, unlike our TWC staff, so if you see him, say something). In spring, we were able to spot him in the small Genovian town of Bamberg. He did seem to like the region, but not as much as having some alone time with the cats, in which he could finally try feeding them oatmeal for breakfast. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a disappointment for him and the cats. The next spring adventure involved a whole handful of our spies/foreign correspondents (none of them were called Rory). They ran with him to trains, buses, and trams, got wet in the worst downpour that Spain has seen in 500 years -- or maybe it was 50 years, our sources keep contradicting themselves -- but staying professional while arguing, of course. To sum up the Spain visit, Micah H. said: "We found Mum D. and were able to keep her with us until she wanted to go back to Emily, also known as Grace. Then we found a sister, we lost one, we found two, lost three, found four, but one was Faith's roommate, and lost four again. It was amazing!"
Another highlight in Micah's year was proving to a highly esteemed member of the LKS that Germany actually does exist during the summer as well. After years of siblings discussing what happens to Micah in the summer when Germany does not exist, finally someone who other siblings would believe visited in the summer, other than Mum and Dad D. (who had argued that they had already seen Germany in the summer, but could not convince TWC officials, who were convinced it was only Genovia). Unfortunately, the said LKS member did not respond to our interview request. Minor events included a visit to London to see Muriel and a week on a boat and bike in Croatia. Now, at Christmas, Micah H. confidentially told one of our spies that he cannot shake the feeling of missing something, but he is not sure what. Last night, witnesses heard him scream in his sleep, "We forgot Grace on the train!" "frohe Weihnachten, Rachel!" and "where is Faith?" For public safety reasons, TWC asks all its true crime-affiliated readers to report any information on what Micah might be missing as soon as possible. Rewards include chocolate chips.
Johanna M.D.
Dr. Johanna Hartung. In a controversial turn of events, sources close to Dr. Hartung say that she has been commuting for Hamburgers almost bi-weekly now and even weekly, when she feels the call. This is particularly concerning reporting due to the doctor’s reputation as an environmental-loving vegetarian and her renowned work as a mind-reader. Micah D. does not even seem aware of what is going on with his own partner; he told us she’s been spending a lot of time going somewhere with a funky name for quote “work.” (not sure which one someone spilled ketchup on the shared official TWC notepad). We (our undercover foreign correspondent, Jewel with a canadian button on her backpack) patted Micah on the arm and said “o honey’ (poor soul, its always the wonderfully naive ones). If only this work wasn’t a German farcical with extra wurst sauce. Others close to the doctor say they could see the signs. Quote: “This is common of lottery winners.” Personality shifts are common when they win a 100,000 dollars in groundbreaking innovated research that deepens our understanding of what it is to be human. Lottery winners frequently absconded with their bosses to prestigious research jobs at universities to do research far from where their apathetic cats live. According to some experts, including Dr. Johanna, the official remote Pyschic detective consultation for the Weekly Comet, lottery winners can see profound creative and genuinely cool shifts in their personal life. For instance they may spend the year making dope bracelets. Our Swifty consultants the say this a dangerous possible expensive inner-swift cult sign. Our analysts are still trying to crack the cryptic bracelets codes, things like: “yoga 4 life” “iloveyoda&Zeno” “Dr.J hearts M”, give us NO clear indication of when Jay newest album “the life of a naked troubadour” will drop on googledrive. All and all, who are we to judge? The deadline’s in 4 minutes and PH.D Johanna is a badass polyglott who bikes across croatian islands and loves her kitties and plants in equal measure despite them being mutually destructive endevors. We love and cherish because of, not in spite, of her academic funding and cult affiliations. I am just a girl writing about a faraway friend on a different continent. The world is wide and she gonna make some memories.
Jerusha D.
2025 is the year that Jerusha decided she was an outside cat. Her roommates and pets should’ve seen it coming. “Why can’t you do floor-based poses to target deep connective tissues here in the house?” they said. “We have a floor, tissues, and want to connect?” But they don’t know the thrill of a yoga crawl 3 studios in! And Jerusha, it turns out that she wasn’t the only one on the move this year. JoJo learned how to take himself for walks and climb inside of neighbors cars. When asked for comment about said carjacking habits, he replied “I know you wanted me to stay...but I can't ignore the crazy visions of me in LA,” And Jeru can relate, as she found herself on the streets of San Francisco this summer, riding ferries and Ferris wheels alike.
This summer also commemorated five years for teacher Rusha, eating jolly ranchers and (perhaps more importantly) teaching kids not to eat glue at LBL Early Intervention. Her work brought relief and support to many families this past year—especially to those who were running out of glue sticks!
Jerusha continues to live into her dream of running a pet hostel with human “roommates” funding the entire operation. Bear and JoJo also love this arrangement, though they are currently in talks with their union rep about getting more access to socks.
So whether it was strolling the brainy streets of Berkeley, holding a sleeping swan for five hours, or hanging with princess Dorothy in Vienna, Jeru has been enjoying her life as an outside cat. As it turns out, the connective tissue of life also benefits from sustained engagement—whether that is holding long conversations with friends like Rob and Jenn, family members, 3-year-olds trying to cut their own hair, or cats trying to eat socks. ¡Viva La Outside Cat¡
Jay D.
What do we know about Jay’s life in 2025? Did he live in a closet on a vineyard? Yes. Did he move to “downtown” Santa Rosa to be closer to "civilization"? Yes. Did he subsequently sell nearly everything he owned, leave his car with an unsuspecting sister, and rent a P.O. Box and live nomadically in hostels and hotels? Also, yes. That’s right, Jay’s life was a picture of domesticity, but not for long. “I just felt like I was losing my street credit by always being housed“ That quote possibly coming from a Jay about to embark on an epic adventure into the rather sketchy streets of San Francisco. “I’ve never seen so much poop in my life - it’s just all over the street” - actual quote by Jay less than two days after explaining to his unassuming sister how he found the cheapest hostel in the city.
Jay spent quite a bit of time in 2025 making friends with boxes. As detailed in his much anticipated DeVyldere powerpoint night, he made many friends with names that I do not remember. He also traveled quite a bit to make friends with these boxes. Mexico, Nevada, Pennsylvania, China, San Jose - these are just a few of the places to which Jay traveled and he still hasn’t made enough box friends. This begs the question, what is the box connection Jay is looking for, and is it similar to the rainbow connection? Jay will answer that question right after “If the Mexico city branch said that I should absolutely come back and work from their office if I’m ever nearby, but don’t mean it, is it acceptable in Chinese culture to expense the wine and chocolate I bought after researching what the appropriate response would be in Mexican culture?” He’s playing 8 dimensional cultural-norm chess, and honestly that sounds like a nightmare to us.
Aside from his box escapades, Jay turned 35 this year. He celebrated by repeatedly convincing himself to stay in the sauna just one minute longer and then jumping into a 32 degree cold plunge. He also had a beer. Jay attended several protests in San Francisco, Washington D.C. and other undisclosed locations, made stickers to “distribute” wherever he traveled. This includes a “Genocide is Bad (even when it’s happening to brown people)” sticker that was debuted in the fall line of Hannah D.’s wardrobe. He also designed and put up posters to support Palestine residents. Jay’s activities were not strictly activism, he also had fun attending Burner events (they don’t actually burn that many things, which was disappointing), hanging out with his cousin Noah. W., and making new friends with the local moosen while traveling and climbing every waterfall in sight. Finally, his Spotify wrapped had him in the top 5% of people trying to hitchhike from Berkeley Bart to North Berkeley to pick up his electric car and top 1% of people stealing stevia packets from In-n-Out.
Isaiah D.
What can be said about Isaiah D. that hasn’t already been discussed on his podcast: “Lumberjacks in the South”? Turns out a lot. In a job interview earlier this year, it was brought to our attention that Isaiah has quite the resume. Bird doctor, CIA double agent, 3 PhDs, amateur musician, and intermediate lawyer. These are just some of the accomplishments we are about 23% positive he has (still running a background check). But despite all of Alli-I mean Isaiah’s possible previous accomplishments, he remains our humble Pastor of Mission at Christ the King Church. This year, Isaiah stepped into new levels of responsibility and fought for matching levels of healthcare. In addition to his podcast, he leads small group sessions, manages service setup and takedown, and points the organization in an inclusive, service-oriented path by partnering with poverty-reducing programs (such as Elise’s nonprofit canopy), support the overall Goodwill of Fayetteville (a proud sponsor of TWC reporters far and wide). As part of one of the largest growing churches in the area (for reference, even bigger than Jive church), Isaiah helped select and onboard numerous new staff members this year and has just purchased the church’s building to hold 3 services (although it’s still unclear what services they offer, maybe aroma therapy?).
Despite his busy church obligations, Isaiah still found time this year to buy a new duplex, located directly in the center of the 100 acre wood (a frequent haunt of his). He spends most of his recreational time claiming other people’s trails for his private use and soliciting firewood donations for his new firepit, completing the self-fufilling prophecy of all those beanies and flannel shirts. When not exactly asked to comment but rather followed around for a while, Isaiah responded “it’s not my fault I live with a pyromaniac-adjacent wife.” Isaiah has ventured outside of the wood on occasion to make time for his true passion: taste-testing the breakfast burritos in large cities. This year he did so in both Austin (under the guise of a leadership meeting) and LA (while on the beach). But rest assured, Isaiah’s coffee obsession is still alive and well in Arkansas, as proven by his in-depth knowledge of the humane coffee farming practices of all shops in the tristate area.
Elise M.D.
In breaking news, Elise MD was implicated in the hostile takeover of Canopy NW Arkansas. It appears that 2025 brought huge upheaval in the non-profit. But after the dust cleared, Ms. MD was declared Commander, Controller, Custodian, Chief Diplomat and Head Honcho. That’s right. She is it folks. The previous Boss/Honcho moved out of state while using coercion and old-fashioned shaming methods to strong-arm Elise into taking her old job. The hostility remained between the two until Elise agreed to wear the crown (or lounge in the corner office mixing drinks and practicing her putting, as the case might be). Unfortunately, tales of unlimited power and freedom were greatly exaggerated, hence the hostility. It turns out Elise is working harder than she ever did as a doctor or a third grade child wrangler, and definitely not feeling so nauseous at the prospect of being in charge. As one of her first unilateral decisions, new Commander Elise has declared a brand new makeover complete with a new name for a former winter holiday. According to her proclamation, the winter solstice period shall now and forever be called Christmasskii.
2025 marks the third year of art classes Elise created to teach social and emotional skills to refugee children and interface with their communities. This year the display of refugee children’s art in the community was hosted and underwritten by the University of Arkansas and had a much wider scope, even appearing on the local television. Between the high profile CEO position and widespread news coverage, bodyguards conduct round-the-clock surveillance to protect Ms. MD from paparazzi.
Despite constant supervision, Ms. Elise continues to host her multi-ethnic women’s dance party a couple of times each year, which has enabled her to learn new songs that don’t occur on the approved DeVyldere Family Dinner Playlist and dances not displayed on Instagram Sisters_.d. LKS ruling on these unusual activities is pending. Continue to monitor TWC as we follow this breaking story and its implications. Ms. MD may be mandated to teach these songs and dances to Oregon natives to pay her debt to society. Meanwhile, the famed Arkansas women’s dance party continues to reach more women from even more cultures. Scandalous as it seems, sources say not all women who attend the dance wear head coverings to the event. This all-female environment allows women to “get down” in some unconventional and surprising ways.
Elise MD comprises half of the intrepid missionary explorer team who only a few years ago proved that the Oregon Trail could be traveled both ways. The pair moved into the southern states to monitor the native tendency to watch heavily armored warriors race and tackle one another over a coveted pigskin while screaming, “Suuuueeeeee!” Wild boars may or may not be involved. Research continues from a safe distance.
These bold explorers have now settled deeper into the deepest darkest Arkansas. AKA the Ville of Fayette. Recently purchasing a duplex (just what is a duplex? You ask. Du comes from the Nike slogan “Just Doo It!” (on which Josh D. is an expert if anyone has a question), and plex comes from the root “complex.” In NW Arkansas, this means locals with an inferiority or god complex can pay money for the privilege of living next door, playing loud music at all hours of the day and night, and performing various disruptive family rituals in your adjacent backyard.) Despite this duplex tradition, initial impressions seem to be that the natives are mostly friendly in this uncharted land. The duplex spaciousness is appealing (with three bedrooms, two baths, and a real two-car garage, plus some new appliances). Also, its proximity to a preponderance of hike and bike trails make this an epic move for the couple. “We’ve never lived in a real house before,” they were heard commenting. "There's running water and everything!”
Weeks were spent painting every wall and moving all of their belongings, and now the serious interior decorating can commence. The couple just finished a guest room for visitors, so come check that out (a few at a time, please.. what are you? Barbarians?)
Mom D.
Mom D. may have had her busiest year yet. I mean, there was that one year where she had 5 children under the age of 7 but… that was really so long ago. I can’t even remember that far back. Okay.. this just in. I’m being told that that’s because I was 2 months old and that I cannot make any value judgements on the business of that year (although that has never stopped TWC reporters before). But okay, let me start again.
Mom D. has had a year of pursuing passions, doing new things, and seeing the fruit of years of hard work. Mom D. traveled many times this year. She went to Paris and Spain in February to see her many, some would say long lost, children who slaved away in the exciting land of 30 eu plane tickets and 15 eu hostels shared with 25 plus strangers. She reconnected with her french speaking child Grace D. under the sparkling lights of the Eiffle Tower, traveled through 30 city’s in 10 days with Micah and Johanna H., and tasted pan con tomate with Faith and Rachel in Spanish cities. Mom D. has taken up poetry in the last few years and her poems from the Europe trip are beautiful window into the experience - I would highly recommend it!
Speaking of writing, Mom D. published her first book in 2025. It’s Their Kingdom: Guiding Youth into the Spiritual Realm is a page turner, chalk full of stories of foursquarians and DeVyldere’s alike. The editing process finally finished, Mom D. has been able to sell her book on several occasions and has gotten rave reviews from her audience. I’ve also heard Mom. D. will be doing a book signing sometime this Christmas week, so get your book signed today!
Mom D.’s prophetic ministry is taking off (pun alert) with her traveling to Costa Rica as a prophetic trainer for a conference. She also had an Oregon-local training which went really well. When she’s not jetsetting or writing (or let’s be honest, reading), Mom D. has taken to substitute teaching in the Albany, Corvallis and Lebanon school districts. Most recently, she spent >3 weeks at South Albany High School “teaching art” and simultaneously keeping tabs on her two youngest children and somehow simultaneously completing all her christmas shopping. South Albany corespondents have reported a greater sense of calm upon Mom’s placement: “Mom as our teacher, it’s just business as usual except no dessert textbooks.” Mom D. has done a lot this year and we’re so excited to see what she does next!
Now please enjoy this poem by yours truely - your mother (I know, I know, she’s not everyone’s mother but statistically ….. )
We get off the bus in Jaén
After passing through arid kilometres
Replete with rolling olive groves
A two-hour trip over from Cordoba
We stand on the cobbled walk
Bathed in spring sunshine
Looking for a nearby cafe
A courtly older gentleman with a cane
Greets us in Andalusian Spanish
Then, as we struggle to respond
Swiftly switches to English
He shows us the perfect spot
Under blue and white striped outdoor umbrellas
To order cafe con leche
Informs us we must get “tostas”
Fragrant bread on which we pour
Olive oil (the best in the world
He assures us)
Not bitter, deliciously smooth
We each receive a tiny cup of tomate
(Fresh tomato, blended—
Pink and succulent)
It spreads like jam on top
Fresh, fragrant, gluten-free bread
I relish each bite
When he brings my coffee
Our genius barista spells Hallo! in the foam
While my German daughter-in-law’s says
Guten Morgen!
Good morning indeed
Dad D.
“Triathabomb was just not the same this year,” Dad D remarked as he reminisced about the good old days of 2024 when he was one of four to win the famed gold medal for his creative choice to chart his own path and only participate in only one leg of the three-part race. “Turns out it's easier if you bike while they run,” he famously said last year. Race creators had whimsically titled this triathlon the “TRIATHA-BOMB,” for its explosive energy, volatile excitement, and latent potential to destroy its participants via muscle failure. Last year, Tony joined three daughters in the race. The trio gave their all to the process of swimming, biking, and running, but sadly they were no match for Super Dad D.
2025, however, was a different story altogether. Getting tagged by his rollerblading partner Ezra, Dad D. took off on his bike on the trail from Philomath to Corvallis, ending in the Crystal Lake Park, where his partner Jerusha took off running. When later tagged a few miles away at Willamette Park, Dad D. was ready for his ride downriver on the front of Ezra’s paddleboard. Reaching the designated island across from Crystal Lake Boat Dock once again, Dad dove in for the last leg of the race: swimming across the river to almost certain victory. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to anyone, a black hole had opened up in this part of the river. This Bermuda Triangle-like force acted like one of those endless loop exercise pools, and though he struggled valiantly, Dad D was not able to beat it. “Sadly,” he remembers, “this unnameable force cost my team the gold medal. We had to settle for silver instead. But there’s always next year for me… er us… to regain gold medal status.”
While working for the Samaritan Health System (soon to become Samaritan by Multi-Care) for over two decades could slow him down, the challenge of multi-tasking inspires Dad D to new heights of inspiration. Channeling his ADHD for good, he continues purchasing, maintaining, and developing the Omni-cell Medicine Delivery service for five hospitals in five different Oregon towns. Rumors abound about his upcoming retirement, due in part to his celebration of yet another birthday, but the spry 65-year old declined to confirm or deny this speculation, mumbling something about health insurance. “If it happens, I’ll be as surprised as anyone else,” the energetic multitasker commented.
Meanwhile, Dad D’s spare time is spent on his hobbies: restoring brake pads, replacing headlights, and changing oil on aging vehicles in the cold and rain. His skill and efficiency is such that he is in high demand, clocking a record number of hours in these endeavors since the fall. Despite maintaining his fleet of budget vehicles, Dad D. had a chance this year to purchase a new (to him… it's actually a 2013) Toyota Highlander Hybrid and a beat-up looking (some might say rugged) yet very sturdy utility trailer. In the Highlander, Tony has traveled to the Bay Area and many times to Bridgetown Church and UP in Portland, always keeping an eye on the battery recharging screen to maintain optimal fuel efficiency. Since its purchase, the trailer has been in almost constant use, helping family members and friends move houses, loading sets in and out of Ezra’s school play at the community college, hauling logs to a friend for their woodstove, and bringing home a Christmas tree, among other accomplishments.
Grandpa John
Grandpa John has spent the entirety of 2025 living in the Corvallis Caring Place (except for that one time he drove his scooter over to Fred Meyer and got a bit turned around). On the bright side, he is making new friends…both with fraternity members across the street and the local police force. His neurologist at OHSU prescribed new meds that have made improvements in his strength and agility, which has been very encouraging in his quest for new adventures. He soon hopes to make it to the Albany Fred Meyer via scooter.
Grandpa has gone on several exciting field trips with his class… er housemates, including ones to Newport, Oregon Nye Beach and Mo’s (for world famous clam chowder), the Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival in Woodburn (for the insta pics), the Albany Carousel, and the Philomath Dollar General.
Also exciting were the huge carrots and tasty tomatoes he grew in his very own raised garden spot behind the Caring Place. Other residents grew flowers, but Grandpa J was one of the few to grow vegetables in his raised bed. This summer the Caring Place chef was able to cook some carrots for his dinner.
Grandpa J is still attending Life Community Church potluck on Wednesdays, and Sunday morning worship service at North Corvallis Ministry Center. He also makes a cameo appearance at DeVyldere Family Dinner (now on Fridays for a limited time only) most weeks. While at Family Dinner nights, he supplies the songs nobody knows (read old hymns and folk melodies) to help his team win at Encore and challenges his many grandchildren’s understanding of the Greek alphabet in Bananagrams.
In addition, GJ continues to win any and all Scrabble games he plays with unsuspecting vict … er friends. Despite a temporary hiatus from Scrabble imposed by the Caring Place activities director (in response to residents who nearly came to blows over whether or not their triple word score choice was in the dictionary) Grandpa John kept his cool. After all, he was winning. “Listen guys,” he was overheard admonishing the rabble-rousers, “it doesn’t do any good for you to get upset about this. You’re never going to win anyway.”
Rumor has it that Grandpa, mild-mannered though he seems, is the mastermind of an underground Christmas caroling ring. Unfortunately, we are not at liberty to discuss what may or may not have happened on Christmas Eve in any detail, but let’s just say that the Caring Place halls seem much merrier since the invasion.
Are Women Ruining the DeVyldere Family?
I don’t know, maybe.
Christmas Slideshow
Thank You for Reading The Weekly Comet
(but wait, there's more)
Rumor Column
- At the end of each semester, Jewel burns all the confiscated candles in he room, in what she calls the - “end of semester hall event”
- Jerusha is planning to expand the trailer to have two more bedrooms and one more non-functional bathroom by this summer
- Mom D. has been substituting peanut butter for sunflower butter at schools all over the county
- Isaiah D. has declared he will only speak Latin starting in 2026
- Elise M.D. has been promoted to acting director of the hospital that she definitely works in as a medical doctor
- Johanna is going through a rebellious phase and is threatening to dye her hair hot pink
- Jewel’s now majoring in car towing
- We’re not saying we found bones beneath Elijah’s trailer when we ripped up the floor. But we’re not denying it, for accuracy reasons.
- “Rachel with the short hair syndrome” is spreading among the family…..and like grace with gluten….Keturah is the only one who hasn’t caught this contagious affliction. Cough cough (literally and figuratively)
- Keturah, Jewel, and Hannah are forming a Jonas brothers cover band
- Faith enjoys Tortes
- Repeating the rumor above is a tort though
- Rachel is having Alpro withdrawals
- Elijah is on the same indoor team as Rachel and Grace, he just doesn't know it yet
- Bear has decided to move to Independence
- Sarah hasn't volleyed in months
- Hannah was seen rollerblading while holding hands
- Grace sleeps in a hammock
- Jewel is reprising her role as Hellen-Keller, but this time set in modern day New York
- Keturah can't get enough video editing work and is willing to pay you for jobs
- Ezra is a method actor so proficient that no one has been able to determine his method
- Don't tell Elijah: The woman in the trailer across from him was seen adopting more cats in secret
- Elijah's hot tub is filled with Kool-Aid
- Jerusha is planning to expand the trailer to have two more bedrooms and one more non-functional bathroom by this summer
- Mom D. has been substituting peanut butter for sunflower butter at schools all over the county
- Isaiah D. has declared he will only speak Latin starting in 2026
- Elise M.D. has been promoted to acting director of the hospital that she works in as a medical doctor
- Elise has been dying from heat in nearly every location she’s been #eliseinisaiahdominatedfields
- Johanna is going through a rebellious phase and is threating to dye her hair hot pink
- Jewel’s now majoring in car towing
- We’re not saying we found bones beneath Elijah’s trailer when we ripped up the floor. But we’re not denying it, for accuracy reasons.
- “Rachel with the short hair syndrome” is spreading among the family…..and like grace with gluten….Keturah is the only one who hasn’t caught this contagious affliction. Cough cough (literally and figuratively)
- Keturah, Jewel, and Hannah are forming a Jonas Brothers cover band
- Elise's skin has been glowing as bright as her hair lately...
- Speaking of Elise, has she given up her wine habit lately?
- Does Isalise look like they have an announcement to make?...
