THE WEEKLY COMET 83: CHRISTMAS 2023!! (FREE, ALTHOUGH COMMENTS AND CRITICISMS ARE WELCOME)
Aaaaand we're back! After one full glorious year hiatus from the TWC, the international publication with the hardest-hitting sources and stories, our writers (both paid and unpaid, local and international, hired and…otherwise affiliated) are back, better than ever, and ready to make this Christmas edition even more impressive than Bear’s vocal stamina. We’ve got semi-factual profiles, ¾ factual rumors, and even completely factual photos that capture each DeVyldere family member’s life in HD perfection.
Can I be real a second? For just a millisecond? Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second?
Good because before we get into it, I need to once again ask our sources to please stop hitting our reporters so hard, it’s not conducive to a safe working environment and our French colleagues are threatening to go on strike...again.
With the highly sophisticated nature of our publication, it should come as no surprise that we have a plethora of agents out on assignment all over the world. It doesn’t matter where a story breaks loose, whether in front of Sacre Coeur, in that barn that used to belong to a cat, in a trailer park just outside of town or even… actually mostly just those places. But we have reporters! And they’re there! Even if you ask them not to be.
This has been a year of important changes, full of role-switching, new fur balls, old cheese, big breakthroughs, and tiny kittens stuck in trees in rain storms. There were new roommates, furry roommates, hot roommates (you know who you are), and no roommates (that was an option?). The DeVylderes, and a lesser-known (but surprisingly numerous) DeSPACEVylderes, traveled the country by map, by van, through cross-continental excursions, through visits to the little-known province of Alaska, CA (the site of the 1996 Anne of Green Gables film starring Megan Fallows). Sawry a wee bit offs the beaten path, eh? Where were we?
The DeVyldeers have been brave, starting at new schools, learning the obscure lost art of Catholicism not to mention how to dab and floss (1 out of 10 dentists and 9 out of 10 high schoolers say it’s to die for). They have been adventurous, started new jobs, learned new languages, and made lifelong vows to their friends and to Bear to be besties forever! The DeVyldiers started new life chapters, new groups, new connections, and, most importantly, numerous new fireworks. I (the disembodied reggae space voice) see you taking chances, making moves and mistakes and I am proud of each of you! (Don’t cry! Just turn to your neighbor and say “Hi Barbie”)
So you better get comfortable, because all of this equally educational, factual, and sensational news and more is coming to you in 5…4…3…2 (cue the ICarly theme song).
Grandpa John
Grandpa John has spent the entirety of 2023 living in the Corvallis Caring Place, except for that one time he drove his scooter eleven blocks away and got a bit turned around. This is much better than 2022, when he spent weeks in the hospital and a rehab center. He has a cool apartment, lots of friends whom he is always beating at Scrabble, and two unique hydroponic gardens on his countertop. He even got new hearing aids, the better to hear us with. Mike, Grandpa’s friend from church, moved in recently, so the two spend quite a bit of time together. He is still attending Life Community Church potluck on Wednesdays, men’s group on Thursdays, and Sunday morning worship service at North Corvallis Ministry Center. Some say he’s even been conducting an underground Christmas caroling ring. Unfortunately, we are not at liberty to discuss what may or may not have happened on Christmas Eve in any detail, but let’s just say that the Caring Place halls seem much merrier.
Dad D.
Dad D. has had quite the year. After copious research on solar panels for the barn, he pulled the trigger with Purelight and got a new roof and electrical panel, plus a free set of Ginsu knives out of the deal. No more indoor water puddles, no more debating where to put things so they wouldn’t be damaged. In the process of all the changes, a ditch needed to be dug to bury electrical lines…among other things. As soon as it was dug, however, a storm made filling it in a muddy disaster. At least Drake and Josh were pleased to play in their very own mud bath tunnel. When asked about his experience, Josh D. replied, “This is the best thing Dad D. has done for me, even better than rubbing my ears!” Next stop? Barn windows to replace those broken by long-ago stray balls/apples on which the statute of limitations has long expired (at least this is the current rationale). (EDITOR’S NOTE: Please insert “alleged” before “stray balls/apples.” Statutes aside, the last thing we want is another legal battle against Sarah Sue U).
By the time the ditch was filled, he was getting ready to meet Johanna’s family from Germany and hosting a shower and Polterabend in the yard. Dad D. had a wonderful time getting to know Birgit and Uwe, especially having a beer in downtown Corvallis and traveling to Bend and Smith Rock. On his birthday, he fulfilled a lifelong dream, traveling to Iceland and Europe for the first time, with Mom D. and Bob and Brenda D., where he saw more castles and cathedrals than he could pronounce, stayed on a horse farm/chalet in Austria, and explored a small walled village (or two). He was disappointed to get sick on the day he’d planned to skydive in the Alps, so this means it gets top billing on the next visit (unless he takes Ezra up on his discounted offer to jump off the new barn roof with a heavy-duty garbage bag). Oh, and he attended a wedding in said Alps for his son Micah and new daughter Jo-Jo. He saw the sights in Munich and then traveled up the Rhine to see Micah’s office building and biked around Bonn. He had a terrific time in Europe and plans to return soon. Turns out Dad D. was one of the last tourists to visit the Blue Lagoon, a massive natural thermal spring in Iceland before an eruption of 1,000 earthquakes and now a volcanic eruption forced its closure. The L.K.S still has agents on the ground investigating this “coincidence.” So far Dad D’s shenanigans, much like that of the mysterious and aloof Ethan Hunt, have managed to fly under the EU radar.
Mom D. (AKA “Bestie” (AKAKA “Mother” to those in the know))
Mom has been on somewhat of a teaching spree. With years of educating small homeschooled ruffians and guiding young visionaries in Christ under her belt, this “substitute teacher” (as the aforementioned kids call her) is ready for the public school life. As our enthusiastic parent hops from school to school her fears of an unrecognizable last name soon vanish. Our sources state that the second Mom D. enters the premises, an eruption of staff members swarm saying things like, “DeVyldere? You’re Jerusha’s mom?” “We’ve heard about you!” “You’re amazing!” and “Will you sign my baby?!”
In her journey so far, the beloved progenitor has also discovered other things (more or less solely in the Albany Public School System) like, “teachers not leaving lesson plans despite previously confirming they would”! Wow, how thoughtful of them to give her time to practice her long-term improvisational skills! Or, “the school locking every bathroom within a 6-classroom radius of her,” because we can all agree that substitute teachers in America have had it too good for too long.
You can’t go through an article about “die mutter” [pause for dramatic translations] without mentioning the (soon to be) best seller at the top of all your reading lists, It’s Their Kingdom: Miracle Stories of Leading and Following Youth into the Spiritual Realm. Have you ever asked yourself, “How did I get to be so awesome?” Or better yet, “How did MOM get to be so awesome?” Well, my friend, the answer’s in the book! After months of tirelessly writing and writing and writing and--well, you get the point, it’s almost here.
Rumor on the street is, “la mère” [pause for dramatic translations, yet again] has done a lot of remarkable things in her life. Raising/homeschooling thirteen children, running ministries (for ruffly 24 years combined), creating curriculum, various homeschool testings (tell your friends), and editing 99.99% of all papers turned in with the name DeVyldere on them since the year 1989 (Taylor’s Version). Now that is a book I would read. Part of me is proud, part of me (as a reporter) is neutral.
As someone who has personally worked with “Mi madre” [pause for Rachel *the green bird that watches over her shoulder* to translate] a considerable amount over the last 15 years, I can say with full confidence that it takes a remarkable person to achieve so much with only 12.5 pigeons.
Isaiah D.
Isaiah D, now living in Fayetteville, Arkansas, land of Walmart and hills masquerading as mountains, two of his (least) favorite tourist attractions, continues in his pastoral position with Christ the King Anglican Church, where he sets up and breaks down the rental, manages home groups, researches, teaches and preaches (our sources say mostly on Harry Potter, which feels appropriate given his strong millennial demographic). Thanks to family gifts and Ian’s expertise, he has been able to enjoy some of the hundreds of miles of biking trails in the area with his new mountain bike. The bike with shock absorbers. Apparently, this makes all the difference.
This month, he spearheaded a program to assist new refugee families (through connections with elusive employees at Canopy) get set up in their new houses. Volunteers purchased pots and pans and basic living supplies to fill large bins for each new family, a great exercise in community solidarity for welcoming these new immigrants.
These are not the only refugees Isaiah welcomes. TWC has it on good authority that another hundred-or-so books have found their way to the DeVyldere-Megale house and into the home library in their apartment in 2023. When asked about this, Isaiah replied, “What could I do? They followed me home and I couldn’t leave them out in the cold!” Indeed, our brother still reigns as the Pied Piper of heavy theological tomes, as his patient wife finds them in the back seat of his Prius regularly. So far, no attempts have been made to re-create the book Christmas tree of 2017 fame, but there’s always a chance for next year.
Elise M.D.
Elise M.D. (but perhaps not a doctor) continues her job of welcoming refugee families into NW Arkansas with Canopy. Her elaborate mime/acting skills and tender heart go a long way toward mitigating the fact that she does not speak Farsi or Dari and putting these families at ease in their new unfamiliar country. This year she created, developed, applied, and received funding for an after-school art program for the students in her care. She has high hopes that this program will allow for the process of grief and other emotions that transcend language, and will be a bridge of connection with the surrounding community as art is displayed. Art is a great equalizer when school in a new language and culture is so tough for these children, and most importantly: it is fun! She has hopes to expand this program with more teachers in the coming years.
Elise M.D. and Isaiah D. made a trip to Oregon in the summer for the 30th birthday- Party-Turned Wedding and other shenanigans, including some paddle-board-ski ones, both here and in Arkansas. The couple have also gotten a couple of weekends away in Kansas City and Denver.
Unfortunately, Elise hurt her neck and shoulder in early October and spent weeks in bed in excruciating pain. Thankfully, she has mostly recovered from her intense ordeal. She continues to teach and manage Sunday School classes for the church, which has given her a bit of what she misses from teaching full-time. Also, TWC is pleased to be the first to announce: BABY NEWS! (drumroll please) After a looong time waiting, in late November Elise made the trek to Boise to greet and monopolize baby Enzo, Ian and Anna’s son, and the first grandchild on the Megale side.
Jay D.
If you enjoy new additions to dramatic biographical literature–or you at least like to waltz with potatoes up and down the produce aisles–boy do we have a recap for you! Instead of dropping you good readers into the middle of this story helter-skelter like so many felt shrimps into a Swedish chef's pot, we here at the TWC have gone above and beyond to bring you the full scoop on the extraordinary life of one our nation's most rare and exotic Jays.
Bobby Jay, Bobar D. (only some relation to Lauren) was born in the midst of controversy and ever since then, things have been happening. Like all of us (well, some of us), Jay spent his early years overachieving in school, being a role model to 11 younger siblings, and rolling around Lebanon inside a giant strawberry.
Following his success at Target OR’s premiere gas station and meat-stuff-based gastronomy, Jay spent time getting an English degree, working his donkey's ass off at his 50+ jobs, and playing music in scores of states/countries–spreading his unique brand of hippie bath chic along the way.
You just couldn't stop this kid.
At this point in our story, the TWC staff would like to note that much of Mr. D's post adolescence has been shrouded in mystery. For decades people have been asking: “What is his name? What is his quest? What IS the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow??”
Here today folks, we finally have the answers that you’ve been hankering for!
Since embarking on a harrowing cross-country (and city) trip to the North Pole to fight the Grinch and his evil oil-pipe-building private army, D’s been thawing out down in New Mexico while practicing the ancient Pyles art of Trailer gardening and scrap wood collection that so few have mastered.
In accordance with his convictions over the role of our species on this planet, Jay and Yar have left many comforts of (post)modern life to the wayside (right where we found that west-wing box set) in order to help protect and care for the environment that we all rely on. They spent 2023 getting to know all the coffee/taco shop employees in the 9,578-person town of Silver City and “gettin’ jiggy with it”; something he’s assured us he will demonstrate for us.
Today you could find Jay getting down to folk with fellow children of the Bullfrog, volunteering to help people learn English at the library, pooping in a bucket, or maybe just working out the logistics of his hammock while he listens to Yarrow's goldsmithing in the next room.
Jerusha D.
Bear with me here, I know puns can be unbearable but if you just bare down and take your Zoloft we can make it through this with minimal cocaine-induced mammalian casualties (P.S. keep your slow buddy close).
As many of you can see, this year Jerusha has now been joined (surgically at the hip) by the little bundle of slightly unstable nerves shaking with anticipatory Christmas delight right beside her. Although undergoing a rough year, he is making a full recovery and has never failed his number one objective “licking Jerusha’s eyeball.” His love is eternal, and, according to reports, his effects on depression can only be matched by peanut butter.
In sum, Bear is an anxiously attached puppy but a nice puppy to have around…you…all of the time.
On top of growing her “little farm,” Jerusha D. has been kicking bear butt at work by becoming the first teacher to develop a foolproof program designed to help pre-schoolers make decisive decisions and realistic action plans to achieve their goals. Bear none, her class was the first to unanimously vote in 3 additional snack times, and the first class ever to lead all preschoolers in a cafeteria-wide take over until chicken nuggets were served. Yes! Jerusha is the rockstar of the school on Murder Ln., and after she successfully negotiated the release of those lunch ladies, she was named T.W.C Teacher of the Year to Watch and has already been asked to speak at several teachers hostage-release seminars as well as the slightly less exciting teaching “trainings.” Unintended consequences aside (the lunch ladies have unionized), under Jerushas tutelage (vocab word) these short revolutionary youth are bound for the hallowed halls of the new U.S Republic Congress circa 2060.
Other notable activities in Jerusha’s last year include camping with her friends, hiking with her sisters, being Vienna's favorite aunt, many bad-bear-butt home improvement projects, and bringing yoga out of the dark age with the addition of chickens, cats, and one slightly needy, but cute, “emotional support puppy.” It also has been unreliablely reported that she pioneered a new weight lifting exercise called French-Lithuanian Lung Thrusters (in honor of her missing-in-action roommate).
Finally, to address the rumors that began last year when reports of an incoming goat shipment reached the desk of our T.W.C. contact. We have since concluded our year-long sting operation, which involved sending an unnamed operative to live in the CO-OP. However, unfortunately, she was compromised and endorsed this tiny farm saying “More goats!” Jerusha claims all she did was show her the for-sale animal page on Craigslist. Needless to say, our goat findings were inconclusive.
Johanna H.
This year, Johanna was selected by the European Council of Communism and Arbitrary Coffeemaker Seizure (ECCACS) to “loan” her coffeemaker to a local Bonn-area university. Since she was there anyway, she also happened to pick up some work teaching classes and conducting research on life habits and memory lapses, which she has now developed the cure for (but you'll have to ask her; we forgot). Right away, the communist overlords at the university could see that Johanna was competent, passionate, and diligent, so right away, the school delivered good news: "You're fired!"
...Or more precisely, Johanna eventually needs to find a different job (something about 4-6 year limits on nontenured postdoc positions in German universities). This led to work trips to Berlin and Hildesheim, among other exotic and frigid locations. Johanna was encouraged to talk about her job search with the brass at ECCACS, who expressed nothing but delight and bemusement at her attempts to get away. "You can go," they offered magnanimously. "The coffeemaker stays."
Johanna’s personal travel took her as far away as Paris, and as nearby as Augsburg and Ulm in 2023. A trip to Oregon brought Johanna up close and personal with a wildfire for the first time ever. "How do you people even breathe over here?" she was overheard saying by a T.W.C reporter who was successfully pretending to be a bush.
No stranger to love, Johanna took advantage of a well-attended barbecue in Corvallis to do a quick wedding and river float. She also attended a wedding for her brother, Nils, and now-sister-in-law, Julia. In related news, Johanna found out this year that she is going to be an ant. She is excited about this big life change, though it will make her more vulnerable to any little kid with a magnifying glass.
Micah D.
Professionally, Micah D. spent 2023 as a full-time cat herder in the barren desert outside of Bonn, Germany. While some speculated that his extensive experience as a WinCo shopping cart wrangler had optimally prepared him for this task, Micah responded to our request for comment with poetic reflection:
"Heard of cats?" He squawked cantankerously. "Of course I've heard of cats!"
Micah seized the day in 2023, traveling to locations far and wide in search of well-attended barbecues where he could finally make his move. Surprisingly, a Pastafarian priest was present at one such function in Corvallis, Oregon (US), and so Micah finally tied the knot with Johanna, who, it turns out, is not very good at untying knots. Since they got married in the Pastafarian Church, they're required to periodically dress up as pirates and dance around incoherently with pasta stuffed in their underwear. Luckily, this is pretty standard behavior in Europe.
Micah also traveled to Paris, Augsburg, Ulm, and even Hildesheim, where they actually speak the dialect of German that they teach you on Duolingo. "Where have you been all my life?" he asked a random group of pedestrians, whose small talk he fully understood for once. "All hail the owl!" they shouted in startling unison.
Back in Bonn, Micah joined a local expat group, which necessitates a weekly six-hour nap in his closet--er, isolation chamber-- to recover from extrovert exposure.
His growing cat herding business also attracted some telecom contracts, which provide him with unlimited free tea, so long as he spends all of his daylight hours writing code for them in an office. In the end, Micah secured both a raise and a 4-day work week going into 2024, which is some real Communist shit, let's be honest.
Hannah D.
Over the last year, Hannah has been baking up a storm of GF DF cinnamon rolls. “How do you make them?” you may be asking yourself, or “Can they actually taste good if made without either garlic or dates?” The answer is simple.
Step 1: Buy no less than 14 types of rice flour.
Step 2: Get eggs, milk, and yeast from the same organism.
Step 3: Take all of the ingredients with cinnamon and get them blessed by a GF DF bakery, or by whichever sort of religious establishment you subscribe to.
Step 4: This recipe is really long and we have other things to talk about.
Sadly, while playing basketball, Hannah D. collided with another player and experienced a growing problem in sports: concussions. When interviewed about her symptoms, she responded, “What symptoms? What even is a concussion? What do you mean, I said I had a concussion? I think I’d remember that. What even is a concussion?”
Hannah D. is now in her fifteenth third year (we’ve been counting) at Berzerkeley studying (say it with me) computational imaginings and material characters. In layman’s terms, Hannah D. has developed computers that come up with new TV personas. However, due to a scaling issue, they are so small she has to use exorbitantly expensive microscopes to read the character bios on the tiny packets.
Because she can’t already sing the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything song, Hannah D. recently returned to Boston in the fall to give a talk about how AI can, and should write all new Hallmark movie characters. Due to some hiccups traveling back because of the height of her shoes (last recorded growing at a rate of .25 inches per year), she was redirected to Paris. Once there, she coincidentally ran into Grace D., Rachel D., Micah, and Johanna H. After being whisked away (If you can read this, help! I’ve been kidnapped!) to Bonn, Germany for the week, Hannah D. fell in love with saunas. Later, she returned to France to share the game of Rage Cage with the European masses. Hannah D. summed up her year of travels with “We should go to a sauna. You’d love it! Well, maybe not, but you should try one. They’re so cool! I wonder if there are any good saunas in Oregon? I will personally fly you to Germany so you can experience a sauna with me.”
Elijah D.
As many of you know a special someone has entered Elijah’s life. Always at his side, making his life brighter with companionship. You may recognize his short, short-haired companion commonly seen strolling through the Red Ferns trailer park with him discussing the anthology of Christmas lights. That's right! Cat! Elijah has rescued a cat and rumors are that he is capable of conversing fluently in Spanglish.
This year Elijah D. has traveled all over the continental republic of Canada from Alaska to Montana, where he discovered new ways to dislocate limbs through a technique they called rugby. When asked about his favorite trip Elijah D. replied “Silver is where the party is” and “Did you know you can fit no more or less than 15 chickens in a van?”
You better watch out! You better not cry! It’s absolutely freezing on this roof and your tears will trigger hypothermia just waiting to set in.” That’s right, Elijah D. is back at it again, secretly climbing on people’s roofs for stunning winter sunset photos. (Check out his Instagram here). Since he usually limits frostbite to the colder months, Elijah D. has spent the warmer months of the year working on renovating a trailer entirely for his new cat: two-eyed lieutenant gray legs. “We get along fine living together. It’s just that sometimes I want to be allowed to sleep in the bed too. So, really he needs his own space to really stretch out.”
In the early Spring months, Elijah D. wanted to shake up his activities and joined an indoor soccer team where he had to walk .0001 miles from his house to attend games. “I gotta say, it was a little out of my geographical comfort zone but I pushed through and had a lot of fun,” said Elijah D. While his field playing was good, he really succeeded in the goal box, despite not having a chair to hold him after the fifth time he got hit in the face. Disappointingly, Elijah D. was forced to retire from soccer for mysterious reasons. “I just needed to stay closer to home. The long-distance was really starting to take its toll on my relationship with my cat,” said Elijah D.
His sojourn to Alaska was exciting and dare we say sweet for many reasons, the most of which is it marked his and Benny’s 20th anniversary of being bestest friends, their porcelain anniversary! Their fiendiship has passed the test of time and repeatedly beated the crap out of each other with pbc pipe swords. To celebrate the bond that was forged in Greg Moulder's B1 Spanish course, Benny invited Elijah on a sunset cruise to Alaska where they spent their days playing shuffleboard and perfecting their penguin waddles. Unfortunately for Eliajh, most of this trip was spent fighting flashbacks of the Eight Below scene where the killer sea lion pops out of the ice to eat the dog.
Along with all these special occasions and fun Elijah has never stopped watching out for his community and advocating for his fellow trailer park neighbors and beyond. To quote an unnamed Deutschland expatriate, “For the last time, he didn't mean to burn that barn down.”
Rachel D.
Some go to Europe willingly, some are goaded into it by their younger sister, and some are secretly on assignment for the TWC. Who’s to say which Rachel is; but after a summer of love working at Ye Olde Mill (Willamette’s Oldest Flour Mill and Family Portrait Studio) our darling Rachel touched down in Charles De Gaulle on September 24th and confidently said the magic words:
Ce produit contient-il du beurre??
But for our heroine the year started off fairly uneventfully, far away from CDG and its oh-so-alluring restrooms. Rachel still lived in Oregon last year and *Bombshell* started eating other food besides muffins! Though muffins will always hold a special place in her heart, she’s moved on to consuming other food groups like gluten-free Schar-bread and pieces of dark chocolate made of 120% cacao.
(Grace's part)
Rachel has also taken on the responsibility of importing the vital aspects of “-merica!” culture to the petite provincial French Guyanien village where each day is like the one before…..cue singing. Although the land of fromage (cheese to the l’idiot touristes), seems to have mastered the enigmatic tiny cherub child with wings haunting you on ceiling art, as well as the ever popular ripped (swoll) “chiseled” dude casually eating grapes while flexing his bicep marble statues, Rachel recognized a sore lacking in the art of…paper snowflakes. Armed with scissors and some American enthusiasm, she felt contractually obligated to correct this gross oversight.
Additionally, since her dash across the pond, she’s been reforming France’s education system with train-wreck (the game, not the tragedy) and Mariah Carey songs. Move over Marie Le Pen, there’s a new sheriff in town demanding change in the education system. Rachel’s main move when it comes to education is similar to many language instructors: Pretend you don’t speak the language with a perfect deadpan while still engaging with all of the students enough that they desperately want to communicate and also are concerned that you’re living in Méru with no french skills to speak of:
“wi jus teach you le word for Baguette?”
It’s not parking cars at the county fair or playing soccer with her best friend and sister Keturah, but her fabulous life just outside of Paris does have some benefits. She gets to travel some and see Europe. That is, when she’s not dealing with being poisoned with dairy or gluten. And this holiday season she and her sister have popped over to Drüsselstein to say hello to some long-lost family members.
Now, through the magic of Christmas, you too have a chance to compete directly with French 7th graders! Complete the lyrics of one of the most beloved Christmas songs of all time:
(Start singing)
Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow (And I)
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick (Ah)
I won't even stay awake to
___________________________
- Feel the cold wind nip
- Hear those magic reindeer click
- Give a candy cane a lick
- Eat enough to make me sick
- Listen to that old clock tick
- Give that old man a tip
- See his jolly’ol trick
- None of the above
Grace D.
If once is a coincidence, then twice can also be a coincidence. At least, that’s our current theory about how Grace has ended up living in France for the second time in three years. Our consultation with Hannah D. about whether the Linfield excitation could have skewed the probabilities, or if Grace’s ravenous hunger for Croissants and Croissant-like objects has something to do with it, left us with more questions than answers.
This year started with her gracing the hallowed indoor soccer field of South-Corvallis. This unstoppable, nose-ring-wearing hipster (who was also 22-ehw-ehw btw.), changed the game by becoming the most consistently available part of the soccer town brother-sister duo at the Corvallis sports park. Soccer isn’t about being the best, it’s about how many nutmegs you can rack up before Elijah remembers you have a game today.
Sadly (for us, not for her), the free pizza wasn’t enough, and Grace made a break from a bad situation (after demanding and getting a well-deserved raise from her boss’s boss), deciding instead to work a series of odd jobs culminating with a brief but unforgettable unionization drive at Event Pros Northwest (give us equal pay for our 13 pigeons or no one gets into the State Fair) and a stint at Mt. Angel’s Oktoberfest. Her various employers did let her know that these were normal jobs, but she persisted in her odd ways, stating: ‘If three masses of beer and a pretzel isn’t European culture I don’t know what is.’
Whatever the case for her current living situation, we have decided that if she’s going to be in France far away from our prying eyes (and other questionable surveillance tactics) we’re going to have to pull a “First Daughter.” For those unfamiliar with this move: The newly independent president’s daughter is surveilled and befriended by a charming secret agent pretending to be part of the same program she is.
This hands-on technique has revealed the fascinating inner life of a young American with a Bachelor's degree in communications, who moves to Paris for a new job opportunity as she adjusts to the challenges of life in Paris (technically the up-in-coming Parisen Suburb of Méru) while juggling her career, new friendships, and active love life. She’s been traveling around Europe with an eclectic group of international 21-year-olds, wearing berets and refusing to pronounce more than three consonants per word. Is it perpetuating decades-old French stereotypes? Yes. But is it entertaining? Gawd YES!
Welcome to Grace in Par— “Don’t you DARE compare me to the show that shall not be named while I am living in France! I am still an editor here!”
Anyway, it’s already been renewed, with the entertainment arm of T.W.C already committed to streaming as many seasons as possible before the mobile data runs out. Where will she be come new years? God doesn’t know and the devil isn’t telling; but our intrepid inside source has sent us a tip that they will need Gluten-Free bread delivered to Berlin ASAP.
PERSONAL NOTE: Saw a hedgehog. End of notable experiences.
Faith D.
Faith D. Roommate, sister, friend, and in new developments, law student? Move over ‘Sarah Sues You’ (patent pending) I’ve got new representation. You heard me right, this sorority president turned lawyer is on the rise, leaving Reese Witherspoon shaking in her custom baby seal leather heels. After some loosely “legal” law training camps run by the DeVyldere Academy Boarding School (school of boards), schools and families alike across the country are yearning for faith to come make a difference with both their education/healthy living conditions and waffle intake. Email her today at: faithsfightingforyou@jkmail.gov
In other news, have you read a book? Because Faith has! Over the past year, our sources say Faith has read over 72 books! [ TWC is not subject to prosecution concerning the act of spreading false information regarding our last statement. That being said, if you have the intention of suing us, take it up with our lawyer, Faith D. ] It is true, however, that our fearless (Taylor's Version) editor is not only a phenomenal writer, but also has a knack for finding some great books! There are also rumors of a “sit and read book club”! Many tests have been run by undercover TOW associates and we’ve discovered the following: If you sit on your phone in the corner of the room instead of reading, they will kick you out… permanently.
Faith WD (Whillkhemiknak DeVyldere) also has a wicked groove. Do you not know that dance or have you just not had the opportunity to stand in a room with Faith for more than 15 minutes today? “If you’re not wearing a black sports bra, you’re not rehearsing!.” One reporter heard on site, “Diego I told you a million times!” Sarah D scolded. Some people just can’t handle structure… or a dress code. All random pieced-together-from-separate-influencers dances aside; In the end, the real roommates weren’t just Mira, Annabelle, and the small army of waffle makers soon to come, it was the siblings that came home for winter break we made along the way.
Sarah D.
How can we explain Sarah’s past year? To do it justice, we have to go back to the beginning, to where it all began…
(The following account is courtesy of Dad D.)
It was a dark and dreary night, and Sarah D. was impatient. She was ready to get out and experience life, tradition be darned. This is why, after a mere 9 months, Sarah emerged. She was all set to leave but decided to stay behind for a few more weeks to ensure that the hospital staff had enough emotional support. Some would argue that this, her first unpaid medical internship, was the experience that initiated Sarah’s journey into the study of biology (her now major). After that, it was smooth sailing for the leader of the L.K.S. After establishing herself as an alpha within the youngest flank of the Devyldere clan, some braces, instruments, an album release, and quick domination of the local high school leadership/sports fields, Sarah made her way to college.
This year Sarah spent most of her time last school year recruiting members for her brand new multi-lingual sewing club. The Sewing Club (in Spanish “Club de la Costura”) consisted of multiple students, all conveniently majoring or minoring in Spanish, who met under Sarah’s leadership to fulfill the following mission: hang more crafts in the university center. Sarah worked day in and day out, at times even by candlelight in the middle of the closed university library, to sew potholder-adjacent projects with cool designs in service of this mission. Did Sarah’s team accomplish their goal of hanging their cloth creations in the WUC? You betcha. Do we know what their future goals are? No. That’s what scares us.
After creating and leading her club to victory last Spring, Sarah has been living for one purpose and one purpose only: to puzzle. If someone were to follow Sarah around for a typical school day they would almost certainly find her in the Wolfpack lounge (previously known as the nontraditional student lounge, before Sarah took over), hard at work at her specialized table, (adjustable for maximum puzzling capacity). Free time before 8 a.m bio labs? Puzzle time. One hour break in between her new job as a volunteer coordinator at Abby’s House, where she organizes food drives and runs the food pantry/stitch closet? Puzzle time. A small break between making curry with her two roommates in her brand new adult apartment in Independence and making her own study guide for the 5+ tests that week? Puzzle time. A 15-minute window between 3-hour club volleyball practice and a quick bike ride to her favorite sister’s place (approximately one mile away) before she sets off for the weekend to party with the goat-huggers at U of O? Say it with me: PU-ZZLE-TIME!
Needless to say, Sarah’s schedule has been pretty light this year. Maybe she can utilize her puzzle fixation to fill those empty spaces in her calendar. After all, there are only so many perfected apple bread loaves, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pies one can make in 3 hours before getting bored.
Jewel D.
Poise, confidence, glitter, sequins, roller skates - what do all of these things have in common? They are all part of Jewel D.’s newest (old) hobby. Now, I know what you’re thinking; “I didn’t even know the mid-Willamette valley had a roller derby league” Well there is - but I’m not talking about roller derby. Oh no, I’m talking about something way more intense and bad a** - musical theater. That’s right, Jewel held the lead part in the play “The Little Mermaid” this year and absolutely killed it (disclaimer: no mermaids/mermen were harmed in the making of the play). Critics* raved about the play saying** “The Arial (Jewel D.) was so talented” “It was an amazing production” and “The lead actress blew everyone out the water - it was phenomenal.” (*Mom and Dad D. **not actual quotes ).
Aside from wanting to be where the people are, Jewel spent 2023 doing many new things. She graduated from South Albany High School in June but not before going to state for choir, theater, choir again (futureme134@gmail.com is this correct?), competitive hugging, and roller derby.
In the fall Jewel started college at the University of Portland (AKA a swanky school, (AKAKA Rapinoe babyyyy!)). There she has made friends and even starred in another play in which she collaboratively directed with her cast members. Her performance as a blind pirate, although not as glamorous and portative as her Ariel role, was still awe-inspiring.
Jewel spends most of her days on campus walking through an abandoned field in the dark, perpetually on her way to play practice. On the off chance that she’s not in the aforementioned field or taking in the glorious, pro-woman athlete atmosphere that surrounds the Megan Rapinoe shrine, Jewel can be found in the underground catacombs of her century-old Canadian dorm building. In this space, Jewel volunteers as a guide to her fellow (and oddly all Canadian) classmates through the rollercoaster of a journey that is Gilmore Girls seasons 1-7 as they drink tea and bash Dean.
Jewel just recently got scouted for a small student-led play coming up this Winter. Although we don’t yet have a role description, this reporter is excited to see which blind persona she embodies next!
Ezra D.: Mom D.
Ezra D: Teenager. Sophomore with girlfriend. Book Club? Driver? Star in the upcoming school musical The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. Is this truly the geeky home-schooler aptly named Mr. Goofy? Or has a slick switch occurred from watching one too many Disney movies with Jewel and Keturah?
Ezra is now the cool, yet model high school student, explaining deep meanings and biblical allusions to his literature teacher. Indeed, it was one Freaky Friday when he came home to announce his future stardom in the next school musical, reminiscent of an earlier mermaid relative. His Parent, Trap(ped) in a time warp, was confused about who’s who for a bit, But, like all Disney movies worth their run time, it all turns out right in the end… we hope.
Apparently, contrary to popular belief, Mario Kart is adequate preparation for that pesky LBCC Driver’s Ed course. In any case, Ezra finished and passed the class in late November, so a driver’s license is forthcoming.
In his spare time, our intrepid main character creates crafty flower and plant gifts for girlfriend Delaney (more like De-Lady), also a budding actress with her acclaimed role of ghost in Turning of the Screw. Next up? Driving the family car to school. In the meantime, Ezra D. has been working on a new environmentally friendly way to travel.
“I was just thinking, ‘How did people get around before there were alpacas and older siblings?’ and then it hit me.”
Ezra D. continued to do cross country for the second year but with a new goal in mind.
“I already run so far during practice, what's a few extra miles so that I can travel anywhere I want, or to school? Once you get to the point where you can’t feel your legs, that’s when the adrenaline really kicks in and you can’t stop running even if you wanted to.”
This is why we’ve had to install a treadmill in front of his easel, so he can run until he passes out and Drake and Josh can tuck him into bed. Keturah is getting a megaphone for Christmas so she can finally fill him in on all that hot goss, no matter where he is on the track.
Keturah D.
Keturah D. has had a busy year. She started school at Calapooia Middle School in January and promptly joined a troupe of orphans. To join the group, however, the leader, Annie, demanded she renounce all familial connections. This led to a sad couple of months for us, only seeing Keturah in passing and hearing her yell at Daisy to “stop tearing curtains down my curtains! How did you even climb a vertical metal pole?” After exiting the group, Keturah D. decided that she couldn’t leave pretending to be an orphan behind, so she followed in Jewel D’s footsteps and started pretending to be a Disney princess (usually Ariel) for parties. Somehow, she worked it out so not only would she not get kicked out of said random children’s birthday parties, but they gave her money? While she continues to pull off this lucrative scheme, after getting promoted from middle school, Keturah D. had too much time on her hands. What does one do in the summer before high school? Join a group of 30-somethings to play indoor soccer, obviously. After her team absolutely decimated the lowest level co-ed recreational division at Corvallis Sports Park, Keturah D. turned her sights on the big leagues: South Albany High School’s JV Soccer Team. There, Keturah Rose through the ranks as a keeper, blocking shots with her catlike face reflexes. Sadly, Tequila is her weakness. Despite having inconclusively managed reinforcement impalas, Keturah D. is going full throttle practicing for her role as a fruit? Or vegetable? in the play coming up (pause for Turah/Ezra to sing title).
When she’s finished her Spanish classwork, Keturah likes to maintain her perfectly normal and healthy relationship with her pet owl, Duo. And text her international pen pals. When asked about adapting to high school, Keturah D. responded, “It’s been good. Although, there’s this weird, tall kid in my Geometry class and people always assume we know each other for no reason.” Keturah D. also found an outlet for her need to constantly sing by joining the SAHS choir and had a concert earlier this month. Although she recently turned 15, Keturah D. has pledged to forgo learning to drive because that would send certain people into an existential crisis because “she can’t possibly be old enough to get her permit, last week she wouldn’t wake up to play fetch with me at 3 am until I repeatedly threw a hair tie on my face, and she definitely forgot to feed me the last three days.” - Daisy B. D.
Bear D.
Bear Zoloft D., the newest member of the DeVyldere clan, has had an eventful year. He was born in a local farmhouse (but we just tell him we found him under a rock) and adopted by our very own Jerusha D in mid-July. Jerusha and Bear started bonding immediately and quickly claimed the celebrity couple name Jer-Bear, a solid couple name, giving Izise and Johicah a run for their money in the cutest couple name contest (the previous cutest-title couple, Br’ermpa, was disqualified when Brer the bunny went on the hop after allegedly starting a fire during a hot yoga session at Grandpa’s house (EDITOR’S NOTE: the yoga may have just been hot because of the fire, it’s unclear)).
Bear is a very sweet and adorable healer who’s obsessed with Jerusha (honestly, who isn’t) and loves playing with his best friend Norm. Bear also broke his femur and decided to adopt an expensive new lifestyle regimen which included becoming bionic, seeing the vet 8 times a month, and taking all the drugs - like, all of them in the whole entire world. Bear is doing fine now--running, jumping, and full-body wiggling (to be fair, he never really stopped doing those things, he just did so while somewhat loopy) and will even start daycare in the upcoming month.
For those following along at home I’ve compiled a few fun facts to help you get to know Bear better:
- Breed: Healer (you would think this would be useful for a broken femur)
- Eye color: Dreamy
- Love language: Full body wiggles
- Favorite thing: Jerusha
- Loves: Following Jerusha, barking at Jerusha, playing with toys...near Jerusha, his best friend Norm
- Bear will love you for forever if: You are Jerusha
- Old dating traditions are out - Bear’s new tradition is: Herding Jerusha around so that she never gets lost
Wanted: Full-Time Babysitter
Looking to hire a replacement because the last babysitter (allegedly and unrelatedly) fled the country. She loves to cuddle in a totally non clingy, must be touching you at all times way. The right candidate must be able to sleep intermittently for 20 minutes at a time and then play with a one-year-old on level 11 energy for 20 minutes to an hour, then repeat. Ability to throw small objects repeatedly for hours on end. Desire to have your hands slept on if they are visible, but like a light sleep where the sleeper moves every minute or so to cover more of your arm or face, oftentimes trying to achieve coverage of both hands at once do you can’t even look at your phone while incatpacitated. Must have a good memory about the last time you casually decided to wander into a barn in freezing rain, and the ability to resist pitifully aggressive gaslighting by her and her friends regarding mealtimes. Extra consideration for those who can guess how many times her body height she can jump. Pay depends on experience climbing trees in a rainstorm. Bonus if you have your own ladder.
Rumour Column:
Your mom. -Elijah
Diego took the I’ll Be Home for Christmas movie a little too far this year and got an “inspired tattoo” on his cross-country road trip home for Christmas.
Elise is an ant now. Please be careful.
The shortage of Kombucha, known to the locals as Kambacha, “Corvallis juice” has led to riots at the south and north-town co-ops. The police are waiting to mobilize until city hall approves their new 4-year contract.
Elise is selling baby photos (you can Venmo her at Elise_Ant@notaffoliatedwithL.K.S./Sarah’s2BeansChili)
Micah and Rachel have the same haircut. But Rachel is wearing it better.
Jay has 12 chickens living in his van, down by the river/cacti.
Rachel has promised to make all milk dairy-free by 2026
Johanna has been spreading rumors about our family, completely unprompted.
Faith hates mailboxes
In a pinch, saying a quick prayer to Sarah asking for her blessing can work as a substitute for flour, milk, or potatoes
Mailboxes are saddened by Faith's actions, but accept Faith for who she is and know that time will prove her wrong
University of Portland is so rich the food pantry is organic, free-range, carbon neutral, and filled with avocadoes and fresh-pressed orange juice
They were told it was "France", but Grace and Rachel are really just stuck in Lebanon without a car
Go your own way
Faith is two batches of cookies away from joining the batch-leorette (and getting her oven privileges back)
Uwe refuses to reveal the details of the lake incident.
Keturah, the youngest phone-wielding teen in a generation, obtained her phone by promising to make Dad Tiktok famous.
Jay lives in Mexico
Ezra is officially taller than Micah, but still doesn't know what's on top of the fridge
Faith has lost multiple cars attempting to parallel park them. Her move is to run away after 45 minutes.
Sophie ends up with Dex
It's pronounced: Orall-ie
Aunt Brenda only speaks German now
The LKS has only been mentioned once
