The Weekly Comet Christmas Edition 2019! (Comments and criticisms can be forwarded to Joel’s hostel in Mexico)
Heck yes we’re back! Blah blah blah here’s the haps in the DeVyldere clan!:
Keturah D: The last of the kids, and yet the first to die her hair purple! That’s right, Keturah D. is making her own way in the world, her bangs and hair marking her newest trend. Keturah is in the Paisley school program, has recently created many plays, and spends her time writing novels that have lasted on critic Leah R. DeVyldere’s bestseller list (whoever that is.) She spends her time creatively writing in journals, doing (what’s this?!) 4 pages of math a day, and “making tik toks” (no doubt some secret intelligence-gathering mission of the L.K.S)
Ezra D: After growing 3 feet and surpassing all notions Hannah D. had of outlasting him height-wise, Ezra has become the tallest member of the L.K.S, granting them almost unlimited power. Ezra is also enrolled in Paisley for schooling this year and spends most of his time hunting elusive cougars in the Tristate area, as well as the even more elusive “supah Euphie” who only comes out at night. At this point in time, Ezra is also involved in what he refers to as “the tik tok,” a mysterious source of pertinent trivia, of which he peppers into his daily discussions. To our amazement, he has stayed strong against the powers of “fortnuts” and “the vaps.”
Jewel D: Jewel is in high school! With this comes with activities such as playing on the soccer and now basketball teams, having acting class, singing in the Belissima choir, and taking South Albany by storm. Jewel spends her free time...oh wait, she barely has any...well she spends whatever time she has smiling and hugging. (Side note: some reliable sources have even gone as far as to say she has become friends with “boys,” but obviously we take no stock in this notion, considering she goes to an all-girls high school.)
Sarah D: Sarah the sophomore does a lot of things...like for real, we can’t even list them all, but we can try! Soccer and basketball, Belissima choir, Rise Crew, Leadership, and Speech and Debate. Not to mention, Sarah has made many close friends this year, (some of whom do not know how to wear a shirt) and spends her free time talking into her phone, which appears to be muted. Since Sarah is almost 16, the anticipation is building as to which movie star she will choose to date, if anyone, but our bets are on a Mathew McConaughey look-alike. Sarah also spends her time off break dancing (breaking limbs mostly) and sleeping if she has the chance. This past summer, Sarah also went through knee surgery but is back to playing sports.
Faith D: The undisputed Soccer-Track champion three years running is finally looking to retire after next season!! In a stunning move, Faith D. (of weekly comet fame) has decided to take a break from the game she loves to focus on “College” (and Soccer). There’s still no word as to which college will woo (WOU?) this young innocent highschool senior into their devilish clutches; but which-ever college it is better watch out, because I hear she’s got a partnership with Propublica in the works, and we all know she’s not afraid to kick the ball at where it hurts most and charging through the defensive line while they’re doubled over on the ground. She also had a very successful year at a lesser paper that shall not be named.
Grace D: As a sophomore majoring in collage at the local Linfield all-girls institution, Grace became an RA this year. Yes, they are paying her to go to school, but what’s more exciting is now that she controls her dorms, she can fulfill her life-long goal of owning a pet hedgehog. Grace spends her time away from the DA :( , and hopping from dorm to dorm each weekend looking for the most rad parties. Communication with Grace has become difficult, as she now speaks four different languages when you talk to her.
Rachel D: ¡Rachel fue a Queretaro, México! Yes, she left us in August to go study abroad this past trimester. Frankly, it was a mess. DA students swarmed the streets, unable to JAR for any life issues. Keturah D was drastically affected and was no longer able to read books. Even though the weather in her area was awful, Rachel managed to learn lots of Spanish, and take pictures of many goats. She is now back at home to finish the year at OSU, majoring in pre-med biology and minoring in Spanish.
Elijah D: Guys, Aurora got engaged! Yes, this summer she and Elijah made a plan to get hitched next August, and yes, there will be goats. Elijah has had another successful year full of managing expertise, utilizing the invisaline in his Uptown Painting/Lights jobs. Elijah also shaved ten years off his life a couple of months ago, and his employees almost lost it. Obviously, the scruff is now back.
Hannah D: Hannah is “from the bay” now, or at least that is how she identifies. She has taken her platform shoes and cool style and applied it to grad school in Berkley, majoring in applied sciences. Hannah spends her time taking cool selfies, running, missing her amazing family, studying, and meeting cool people around the city. Also, a large amount of her energy is spent enlisting her family members to come to her city, which isn’t that hard.
Micah D: As you may or may not know Micah currently lives in Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein. Which is a wonderful and diverse place full of wonder and excitement. When itching for a thrill, look no further than our infamous Claw Machine District, where it's guaranteed you'll leave disappointed and worse off, or your money back! Is it the one month of the year that the weather has unpredictably gone from omg-i-have-hypothermia to omg-im-having-a-heat-stroke? Checkout the Gimmelshtump Public Wetness Maker! (Not actually a swimming pool, only contains water on alternating Thursdays) And If it's your birthday, consider celebrating it in style at Gunther Goat Cheese's, the Goat Cheesiest Place in all of Gimmelshtump!
If you're a culinary fan you won't be disappointed by the availability of fresh Doonkelberrys and Doonkelberry products. Take in the sights of our rotating shaft, the sole method for distributing power in Drusselstein, while chowing down on some Doonkelberry cake. But be forewarned, one must never wander the woods of Gimmelshtump with uncovered Doonkelberry cake, lest the Doonkelberry Bats swarm.
Last spring, Joel and Hannah visited him there in Gimmelshtump, utilizing the public trebuchet for transportation.
He also got to travel around some, visiting Freiburg, Munich, Kaiserslautern, Trier, Barcelona (in Barcelona!), Valencia, the Alps, and Oregon.
Thankfully, he’s been able to avoid visiting the Department of Motor Vehicles and Goat Registration in Drusselstein so far by utilizing his private driver, Johanna H.
Jerusha D: 2019 has been a transformative year for Jerusha. She’s managed to get a lot of camping, hiking, mushroom hunting, and watching of dramatic documentaries about the Fyre Festival in; while also taking care of her family and working at the place with the kids… Old Family Mill. Yes. There. Her goats love the attention, and treat she gives them.
Joel D: We're going to be honest, we don't have a lot of primary, secondary, or tertiary sources for how his year went. He started out the year in Oregon, or at least somewhere that looked like Oregon. And then unconfirmed sources have him dancing with two left feet. But after a long stay in Mexico, there were reports that he was in either, Arizona, New-Mexico, or Louisiana.
I once met someone on at Squirrels (the bar, not the animal) that swore that Joel was working as a Tinder consultant. Regardless of the truth, remember that this individual is armed with a guitar, a goofy grin, and is extremely dangerous. If you see something, say something.
BREAKING NEWS (AKA we hacked into couchsurfers.net)
Joel spent the year under a series of bridges in Spain, Mexico, and the US. His habit of accidentally asking people for legal rabbits was shortly supplanted by his ill-advised stint as a Couchsurfing host in Barcelona:
Actual Couchsurfing reviews*:
- Who is this guy?! Pretty sure he killed an entire bottle of mustard in one night??! (5 stars)
- This was an interesting experience to be sure! Though the couch did get some barnacles on it... (5 stars)
- Great place! No pants. (3 stars)
*Not actual Couchsurfing reviews
Isaiah D: It’s finally happening, LBCC is kicking out their first ever student! After taking over 2,000 courses in all departments, Isaiah is finally being forced to leave. This year he has continued taking courses at LB and Multnomah University to get his bachelors in sociology and masters (at the same time) in applied theology. On top of that Isaiah has been leading all the teaching teams in the Hive Church as part of their leadership team, and he spends his free time convincing the owners of all the coffee shops he knows to give him free sustenance.
Elise M.D: After finishing her residency, Elise’s year has been full of excitement. She moved from the position of top-valued roving sub (AKA teacher on special assignment) last spring to her full time job as a bilingual 4th grade teacher at Garfield Elementary school. Elise is also on the Hive leadership team, and spends her free time running, sleeping, hiking, and convincing her students she speaks no English.
Elise and Isaiah also went to Spain, Germany, and Paris this summer, and spent their time visiting Micah as well as Carina (Elise’s bridesmaid) and accidentally stumbled into France’s national holiday Bastille day. They went through the countries visiting with their thousands of friends abroad.
Mom D: First in line to the thrown at Jive Church, Salam. She's working hard to keep up with the quickly growing needs and demands of the children foolishly placed on her care. What? You don't think she'll hesitate to weaponize them with free goldfish and march on Winterfell? Yes? That's just me?
Besides creating another spectacular Worship Camp at Jive Church (nearly from scratch), Mom has busied herself with taking care of all the other children that happen to be around her house; drinking ice tea with the ice tea ladies; and fed lots of hungry Soccer Track players.
Dad D: This year Dad has gained control of three more hospitals and was put in charge of many pharmacy-related vendors and purchasing proposals. So if you're wondering why GRSMC is calling you for a price quote on those like-new hiking boots you listed on craigslist, wonder no more. But being successfully upwardly mobile at his work isn't his greatest source of pride this year. What is he most proud of, you ask? Not coaching his on-again/off-again basketball team with Rachel. It's not his all-star sports child with the 4.0 (Which, I mean come on, what about 4.0 does he not get?). No, his pride and joy is door. That's right ladies and gentlemen, Dad has produced door where there was no door before. Up until this point, door has been off-limits, but no more: door has a master, and he likes fruity teas.
Grandpa John: Grandpa has had a hard won year of ups and downs but doesn’t let the past bring him down. He’s also a poet, and he’s not aware of that, so don’t tell him.
As always, he had a busy spring growing his favorite produce (read: lettuce) and every square foot of arable land he could get his hands on, and a busy fall harvesting and preserving all of the fruits and vegetables he could fit in his freezer.
