The Weekly Comet 82: Christmas 2022!! (comments and criticisms welcome)

How the weeks fly by: The Christmas edition of The Weekly Comet is already upon us! There really is nothing week about it. If you're reading this you

know the game: Wildly accurate assessments of family members' past present and future, with little regard to the laws of causality or multiverse-theory. But this Christmas is a little special, as many of you know, it will be one of the original 13's last Christmas with us on the couch, and we're going all out!

Much has happened to the clan during the last year; Keturah and Ezra were left in the woods for several days to fend for themselves; tents protesting the lack of housing behind Jerusha's trailer were erected; yet another child was lost to the colorful world of collage; children were taught silly songs, and then released into the wilds of Salam. Through all of this, The Weekly Comment has stayed silent (Only for you to slip through our fingers again and again!).

Well no more! We have an editorial duty to inform you that the Cougars behind the property ARE FRIENDLY and just want a quick back-scratch now'n'again; is that too much to ask? And yes! Sometimes they eat people, but only because they are cougars and we are people. This is WHY gluten-free dairy-free cougar treats should be subsidized, not banned...

Okay, where were we? The multi-verse, silly-songs, cougars, oh right: Christmas! The time of year when Faith puts on that old dusty hat from the attic and fires Grace one last time. Truly magical. We hope you enjoy reading these words as much as we did yelling at various Family members to write them. Please stick around after to see Jewel(-)[An]n(e)'s long anticipated rendition of: Blind, deaf, and trying to sing underwater: Ariel's Hellen Keller Experience. Now, to find out who will be voted/pushed off the Christmas couch forever, just keep reading!

Keturah D.

This year Keturah has outdone herself. She has reached true religious enlightenment by attending not one but two youth groups (until she quit her job), and can now walk on frozen water. Using this newfound power, Keturah D. fundraised enough money through “illegal” fireworks sales and car washes to afford food during the long march to Hawaii (cue Sarah/Jewel D. Mele Kalikimaka snippet). While in Hawaii, Keturah D. stayed up late, and even (according to an unnamed TWC informant on the scene) prayed for the opposite sex. Immediately after walking home from Hawaii, Keturah D parachuted into summer camp as a teen leader for the Kindergarten class, where she taught German children to grow plants. This built on her previous experience teaching the preschoolers' garden class. Next year she plans to teach cats to garden, but this will likely be an easier task.

Despite being one of the only DeVyldere children not to have a pet, Keturah has become responsible for feeding all of the animals left behind in the rapture (or “start of school” as some call it). Now, every morning (or so this reporter has been told) dogs leap for joy at the mere sound of her voice, and the cats circle ominously outside her door at night begging for enough scraps to survive the day. In other news, the cats are either getting very fat or very poofy. 

As some have noticed over the past few months, the average level of angst in the house has drastically decreased due to the rapture. To combat this unanticipated phenomenon, Keturah D. has sacrificed her childlike joy to learn the guitar. She can be found wandering the empty halls, forlornly strumming her guitar and intermittently scribbling down new lyrics. Rachel D. has reported waking up to see Keturah D. staring at her, guitar in hand. Keturah D. denied the incident, saying “The angst was so strong, I just had to play the new song I wrote (live renditions available for $5.99) and no one else was home.” Keturah plans to spend the next year continuing to fill the angsty void left when Sarah went off to college by learning to play “Dos Oruguitas”, sneaking into Calapooia middle school for choir and a play (“what do you mean I look like a homeschooler? I totally go here”), and campaigning against higher education. “We have lost too many people to these institutions, and with the exception of Rachel, they don’t come back. When will it end? With Ph.Ds? Or will they be trapped in academia FOREVER.”

Ezra D.: (probably can’t hear this because he has a devastating case of swimmer's ear..yes that is a real thing) 

Ezra James DeVllder; 16 or 12?

The so-called ‘Highschooler’ known as Ezrah James Debyldoore has recently been spreading false rumors around the community. He has reportedly said things like, “I’m 16” and “I go to high school now” and  “Is a clone of Adolf Hitler made entirely out of black widow spiders still a nazi?” In an attempt to extinguish these incorrect accusations from spreading any longer, an exclusive TWC reporter interviewed some of the culprit’s housemates/siblings. Our journalist started with Rachel DeVauldir. She stated Ezra had been coming home around 5:30 at the earliest most nights and that he has frequently called her to come ‘pick him up from swim practice.’ “Like, What does that even mean?” Jewel DiVolldur said something along the lines of, ”Dónde está la biblioteca?” Which we can only assume is code for ‘I definitely didn’t forget to pick him up from practice after rehearsal, I purposefully did so because I didn’t want to encourage his delusions.’ Keturah DaVilder reported that Ezra hadn’t been attending 20 of their 19 weekly youth groups and that she was beginning to get concerned. James has been seen hanging around the ‘acting 1’ kids, who seemed (mostly) fine until he approached them selling ‘Puppet Governments’ and memes that include images of beloved swim team enjoyers and notorious friends of Jewel DiVuldeer. Speaking of memes, the boy in question has taken up a new name. The person you used to know as Ezra DeVuildyr or to the people who hang out behind the bike path, skittledeedoop, is now the ‘Meme King’. If you somehow have not seen his memes you are missing out on a whole lot of laughs and ot just a few alligators. After all of this research, some consideration, and an unusual amount of sticky notes, The Weekly Commit has officially debunked this rumor that EzraH Jaemes DeVooldyre is ‘16 years old.’ He is, in fact, three gnomes in a gorilla suit.     :)

Jewel D.

There are some people who are born with a name and know exactly what that name actually is, and then there are some people whose very existence causes some tension between the latent pro-hyphen and anti-hyphen camps in the Family. Under threat of withholding gluten free apple bread, the TWC is not allowed to discuss which type Jewel is. Regardless, we think she’s great and would love to have some more time with her. Like why won’t she call us back? Is this because it’s midnight and she’s still at her cool theater after-party? Or is this one of the many times we’re interrupting her therapy sessions, yet again. Well Jewel, you can’t have it both ways. On the great biway of life, you can either invite us to hangout with your cool theater friends, or we’re going to drag your accomplishments into The Weekly Comet. What are our captive subscribers going to do? Pay 25¢ for a lifetime subscription to another family news paper?

You want people to know that you’ve been cast as Ariel in South Albany’s production of the Little Mermaid? Playing varsity soccer this year? A senior (and therefore eligible for discounts at Joann's fabric)? We’re going to need a little incentive print that news. The next time you go to Disneyland we don’t have to report on it. We don’t care if your choir placed 2nd in state, or even if you’re in a Pentatonix cover band. Remember this is the family we’re talking about. If we tell them that you’ve instead decided to pick up sewing and have accidentally wrapped yourself into a spool of thread and now just live there: they’ll believe us. We don’t just write the news, we are the news.

Editor's note: did you know that just anyone can write “Editor’s note”? Like, I’m pretty sure that Faith has never written that over her entire tenure at the TWC. Anyway, Editor's note, this language is OF COURSE, sarcastic, we would never knowingly blackmail one of you with threats of exposing your poor sewing skills to the rest of the family (or whatever it was, didn’t really read it). Unless of course, you’ve got access to free Lime Berry, in which case, like, not sharing would just be rude?

It’s been brought to our attention that we DO have an editor, and we can be removed from staff (ACTUAL editor’s note: GRACE YOU CAN’T JUST DO THIS WHENEVER YOU WANT COME TO MY OFFICE AND BRING YOUR STUFF). With that in mind: Jewel’s doing great. She’s on a role with multiple-leading ones in plays at South. She also apparently has a pair of red chucks that she can’t find anymore, so, idk: if you see something say something? She’s awesome, way older than we think should be allowed, but we wouldn’t want to blackmail her even if she would respond to it*.

*But, like, let us know

Sarah D. (living proof that the Hannah Montana bone dance was wholly inaccurate)

This year Sarah D. has been making the most of her freshman college experience. Sarah graduated from SAHS (Stick-to-the-status-quo Albany High School) this Spring after making significant waves by spreading a controversial message on campus. The message was as follows: hey, female athletes are people too (#girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights). She finished off her equal rights advocacy while simultaneously winning districts in pole vaulting and being featured in a local (unnamed, uninteresting, and overall unimportant) newspaper.

(Pictured (top to bottom): Sarah D. district champion, runner up)

This fall Sarah started at Western Oregon University (a full 2-day rollerblading trip away from the DA), so our staff had to adapt in order to stay up-to-date. We currently have one reporter in a long-term undercover position posing as a third-year student just to keep tabs on her. The result of all these resources dedicated to tracking Sarah’s movements is that we now have an approximate look at her daily routine:

7:00 a.m: Sarah arises; dresses in her fanciest sweats; grabs a quick breakfast of stale goldfish before heading out for the day

8:00 a.m: Sarah sneaks into the DeVyldere (yes, named after her) Science Center; breaks the ceiling tiles while she’s at it

9:00 a.m: A coffee break fuels Sarah’s quest for studying more bones

10:00 a.m: Sarah returns to the science center to reclaim her box of bones; blasts music in the lab to scare away all other freshmen

11:00 a.m: Class about bones

12:00 p.m: Lunch of defeated lettuce and kombucha

1:00 p.m: Spanish class; Sarah learns to say “huesos”; starts uprising by bribing classmates with cookies

2:00 p.m: Sarah falls asleep in rotating egg chairs of the Ed building; dreams about bones

3:00 p.m Sarah carries her 10 pounds of flashcards with her as she wanders around the university center; searches for an unsuspecting student to practice them with

4:00 p.m: Sarah finds said unsuspecting student in the career center; studies flashcards; eats all of office’s candy; draws smiley faces on decorations

5:00 p.m: Back to the bones

6:00 p.m: Janitors kick Sarah out of the science center

8:00 p.m: Sarah breaks into Faith D.’s apartment; refuses to leave until she names each of Faith’s bones from head to toe

7:00 p.m: Sarah is escorted by public safety back to her dorm; remembers she forgot to do anything at 7 p.m; beats Tayten (her roommate) at Nertz…again

As you can see, Sarah has a packed schedule. And yet, she continues to add more. She recently became the head of a secret society (or ‘sociation, as others have called it) entitled “Spanish club.” Best we can tell, this is some kind of grassroots coalition dedicated to helping her overthrow WOU’s government. She signs all correspondences with “la presidenta” and has started building a following of adoring professors of all subjects. According to recent polling data (harvested, organically, by the LKS), she’s up 10 points! Sarah also just got admitted to Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) training starting next term. With any luck, Tayten will stop passing out from illegitimate blood draws any day now!

Faith D. (1st and 3rd person) 

Faith D. rejoined society this summer, and worked at OSU KidSpirit, where she realized, “You can get paid for working at a summer camp?” Sadly in the Fall, Faith went into hiding again. We look forward to her return as our own summer groundhog. 

College Faith

College Faith has had a busy start to her Junior year where she changed her major, minor, and socks to Education only (dropped the Psych major), Spanish, and wool, respectively. College Faith kidnapped an entire herd of poor baby Freshmen and held them at WOU for weeks before classes, promising them money and free snacks if they survived. 

After her biggest rival dropped out due to “personal reasons” (the LKS is still investigating allegations of fowl play, but Jerusha’s chickens are really hard to catch), College Faith won the election to become the President of the Alpha Chai Omega Sorority. Additionally, because why do one thing when you can be in charge of all of them, College Faith became a campus ambassador and the leader of the career center program she interned with, and even introduced them to TikTok. 

Lastly, College Faith has been seen hanging out in and around Seattle, the very same area that Faith D. has been spotted in. No one knows for sure why she’s been heading up north, but it can only be for one thing: to see Megan Rapinoe play for OL Reign. When asked about Faith D’s whereabouts, College Faith replied, “Frankly, I don’t think she exists.” 

Grace D.

2022 has been a strong year for our resident international relations major Grace D. “Yeah, this has been a good move for us.” Says Ezra D., spokesperson for the LKS. “We were really split on the idea of an in-house international relator, but given the recent incidents in China and Japan we’ve accepted that maybe we could do a little better overseas.” Grace graduated from Linfield college with a degree in International relations and minors in French and kitten-hiding. For the first part of the year she took lots of classes, raised a small kitten or a chai latte (very unclear which one), worked in financial aid, slaved tirelessly in the extremely popular campus game room, had a breakdown, showed her 2 international roommates around the vibrant McMinnville cultural scene and wrote a 37 page thesis on - you guessed it - the patriarchy. While I did not read the whole thesis it seems that the patriarchy doesn’t like women. So, yeah, adding that to our notes.

After graduation Grace spent her summer paddleboarding, paddleskiing, paddleboardskiing, and doing paddleboard yoga fully clothed while simultaneously watching the sunrise. Following this feat Grace made big moves by moving out, getting a job and joining an indoor soccer league (a different indoor soccer league than the one run in our kitchen). Even though she’s moved out we know she misses us. This is evidenced by her immediately finding a farm full of baby goats to keep her company. In a strange turn of events, ever since her official move-out the living room shrine dedicated to Grace has disappeared. Thankfully, protesters have been on the scene since day one, advocating for a reinstallation of the Grace pictures so that we can all remember her at her best: surrounded by small animals. All in all it can be said that Grace is living her best life.

Rachel D. (She probably thought about vacuuming today)

Rachel Hope DeVyldere, also known as uno of the dos oruguitas, has been taking the year to work on herself- wait no. She took the year to work on her appointed recently taken up hobby: Bilingual Karaoke (but you can’t say any words containing the letter E). The neighbors and roommates of Rachel have shown confusion with her concerning copious amounts of blueberry muffins that have been appearing and disappearing from the kitchen, and the local stores have a recent (but probably unrelated) carrot juice shortage. When Hope’s housemates asked her about the topic she replies, “Pero yo necesito más calorías.” Though it took her and Keturah De Vyldere 3 years to read the Anne of Green Gables books just to watch movies that were scarring in every way possible, rumor has it she is willing to give the Megan Follows Anne of Green Gables movies one more try, which might be the biggest miracle we’ve recieved from her since we got her to rewatch How to Train Your Dragon. Whether reliving the agonizing movie and half of WWII during a time it wasn’t supposed to be is a good idea or not? She won’t know until she tries! And of course, we wouldn’t be able to summarize dE vYLDERE’s year without bringing out a big part in Rachel’s life: the bird. The Bird has reportedly taken multiple people hostage (including a few innocent children) who will only be released if she is able to keep her 968-day streak. See, Duo guilts and sometimes threatens her into doing her lessons daily but just when she thinks she just maybe should delete the app, they praise her and give her awards, convincing her it was all worth it or that there is some “reward” in learning an entire other language. My point? Duolingo is toxic, and Rachel if you’re reading this, this is actually an intervention. In other news, Devouldodarea also spends her time helping the youth of Oregon. And by youth, we mean international students, and by Oregon, we mean Oregon State University, but we have it on (good?) authority that she is being helpful. It’s also good that she’s spending time with some people that might actually be able to pronounce her last name. Long story short, Rachel spends her time educating the youngins, baking muffins, y muriendo.

Elijah D. (Fruit Ninja or False?)

Do we really know if Elijah D. knows how to cut fruit, or if he has just been faking it this entire time? Or rather, the more pertinent question: do you want to know? Sign up on the form below to place fruit in and around Elijah’s home to test this theory. Over the last year, Elijah visited Mexico approximately 60 million times, went to Colorado for the weed(s), but then realized that Colorado has been getting their weed(s) from Southern Oregon for decades (where else are you going to get dandelions from?). The rest of his time not traveling has been spent climbing on people’s roofs (mostly recreationally), renovating trailers, and painting.

Elijah D. has reached the ripe old age of too-old-to-use-your-parent’s-insurance, yet too young to adopt a whole cat. So, he and Aurora have adopted half of a cat with half of its eyes: Captain Orangebeard. Now, no one really knows whether or not this aggressively affectionate cat needs a home, but he has decided to expand his territory into the Elora’s place. When asked about the decidedly non-hostile takeover, Captain Orangebeard said, “It was super easy. I just sat outside their glass door and stared at them with one eye until they opened it. Now I’m moving onto bigger things though. I’ve slowly been acclimating them to me having the bed. Step one is me laying on top of objects on the bed, and it’s going great so far. They don’t even know what’s happening. I can’t tell you steps 2-4, but just know that by then end of next month, they’ll be the ones sleeping on the couch.”

Elijah has also become a freelance pro DeVyldere-ball bicycle kicker in his spare time. Surprisingly, the style of DeVyldere ball at the Corvallis Sports Park (conveniently located three extension ladder lengths away from his house), has actual “rules” and you have to wear shoes. When asked why he chose to play on a team with his sisters, he replied, “I’m not really sure what happened. I just showed up to play and there they were.”

Aurora M. 

Aurora M. has had a banner post-plague year! With the hours she saved not washing bothersome long hair, ro-ro has managed to grow a six-pack, tame a murderous one-eyed captain of the seas, and completely memorize Seasons 1-7 of The Office. In fact, missionaries to the southtown undercity/swamp region have sworn on their bibles that they've seen the a ripped, mid-puzzle Rortle, petting her cyclops shoulder-cat in the morning mist and belting out statements like "identity theft is not a joke Jim!"

Putting aside personal achievements such as "getting healthcare" or "stuffing an entire piece of pumpkin pie in her mouth all at once", Paddle-ro-ski has brought honor to her Scottish fore-bears by weathering a storm of brutal tragedy and still looking damn good in her skirts. 

Also, it should go without saying that the Ror-asaur has stepped up in a big way to make sure the lights stay on at BWC LLC (Bears Without Cuffs Liberation League Consulting), so we won't say it.

Hannah D. (Currentely using her position as T.W.C narrator to spread her agendized libelized propaganda regarding the battle between the narrow minded and the state university system)

Wait… no! I’m reading what’s on the page…yep.. she controls the narrative. Lets review the facts: ever wonder why there is a suspicious lack of incriminating evidence brought against Hannnah in T.W.C articles…despite her frequent self proclamations of participating in crime girl summer? Compared to frequent characters…people…cited the by the T.W.C (ex: Alleged arson– of barns ect., alleged catapults and alleged jewel napping, criminally prosecutable but alleged chronic absences from “public” school, Alleged L.K.S.)... 

Anyways, on with the peer-reviewed thoroughly researched facts, Ph.D ( you work that into ever conversation)….

Viva La Revolution!

How does a grad student, sprout farmer, daughter of pharmacy technician, 

dropped in the middle of a over-populated spot in the baaaaay 

with housing shortages and the promise of “actual” boba tea. 

Somehow defeat a state run school monopoly?

The fifth child: got a lot farther by working a lot harder.

By 23, entered into computational imagery…

Moved in with her colleagues, those colleagues graduated and moved outside.

Left her somewhat blue, something new inside: A voice saying Hannah you gotta write this for yourself. She started retreating and reading every paper on the shelf.

A material science major with a minor in materials characterization, she was sleepless and in an abandoned government building outside the law of invesitgation,

By chanting a lot cooler…Taylor swift lyrics 

By by sitting a lot longer…in the president of Sacromento’s office 

By resisting “them” a little stronger….and paying the price 

By two weeks ago she completed civil disobediance training 

(Song change, possible key change) 

Amazin gosh she amazin and astonish 

Hannah was working as a graduate student 

But now she’s gotta take a shot

Cause skilled laborers are getting paid less than a living wage. 

Ooooooooooo, i do, i do, i do ,i doooo, (key change) OOOOOO, 

Girl you got me wondering… is this an intervention? 

It’s time to get real. Hannah has not only contracted, but been responsible for the spread of a time-consuming and mind boggling disease: Cross-Town Girl Syndrome, or the inescapable need to be solving complex Wall Street Journal Crooss-word puzzles with your friends, siblings, in-laws, fellow outlaws, and aquaintainces that are locked in a room with you for a formal sit in protest. (If your prestigious educational institution’s not paying you a living wage won’t break you and facing the possibility of arrest won’t break you, remembering that Rob Low played the only left footed dude on Arrested Development will). (Similiar to hot…..I mean crime girl summer, you don’t need to be a girl to catch Cross-Town Girl Syndrome.)

Hannah, our beloved narrator, our dictator, I know you thought it was christmas, but we have all gathered here today for an intervention and to share why we fe……………I……cough…. I mean Hannah really likes Boba, but only if it’s made just right and Hannah has stayed solidly within the law while on her epic heroic tyranny fighting journey. 

Micah D. 

(Enter scene: Interior German living room day/night/daytimeofthenight—>) 

"Broadcasting live from Christmas 2042! I'm your host Micah (Mt) D. coming to you through the telly, from across the big pond."

(Host moves face around two cybernetically enhanced 21-year-old kittens flopping across keyboard)

"I remember it like it was yesterday–that year 2022. It was the year I got engaged to my awesome partner/astronaut psychologist, the year I got stranded in the middle of the Mexican desert, and the year that I single-handedly executed the worst act of Bavarian biological warfare in the PNW since World War 2"

(Host pauses to take bite from banana/cereal and munches wistfully)

"It was the best of times, it was the braut-worst of times. As we huddled around the digital fire for warmth that Christmas, we looked forward to the future of little Mohanas and Jicahs running around. We had our heads in the clouds, and our eyes on the inevitable event horizon created by the impending Collision of Our Worlds"

(Host types incoherently on 3 computer keyboards as monitors beepin the close distance)

“That was the year I sold my soul (and brain) to the devil (read: the man) in order to work for the international company Kummerspeck Fremdschämen. I started working hand-in -hand with T-Mobile, promising to ensure that one specific place in Jerusha’s kitchen stays disconnected from the rest of the world. That was a goal I am upholding to this day.

(Exit scene: cut to show the host hiking mountains in Spain, riding the midnight train through Cologne festivals, and trying desperately to unclog a certain toilet in San Miguel)

Johanna H

Johanna is a mostly fur-less feeder who hardly eats any meat (which is the only food that counts). She spends her time staring at the light boxes... BORING. Unless they have birds we don't care. Birds are great. Since she moved in with us in March, there hasn't been a lot of news: theoretically she's been granted some funding for staring at the colored boxes and is really good at pressing lots of buttons. While one would hope this new funding would translate into more cardboard boxes to destroy, we're honestly already working at capacity and haven't noticed a change. We sent her away to camp in the woods for a few weeks this summer, but she came back; which was good because despite having little fur, she is relatively warm and nice to cuddle with. This AND she often opens the outside door for use when we ask her

to. Not every time though, it's something we're working on training her to do better in the new year. What else can we say about her? She's planning on "marrying" our secondary feeder, and it seems like having more than one feeder on hand sounds positive. We are totally on board. We do not mean to write this review in such a way as to ignore the many deficiencies of our lovely house human:

She has many and we will list them:

     - She gets cold easily

     - Dull teeth

     - Almost no tail

     - She's basically never killed anything, and is entirely reliant on us to hunt all manner of insects plaguing the apartment.What can you do? Some people are just helpless.

     - Pretends to speak English, but often doesn't respond to our VERY CLEAR instructions to play with us.

In any case, we think she's an odd one, but a nice one to have in our pack.

Jerusha D.

Known to the locals (and by locals we mean 4-year-olds) as “teacher Wusha,” Jerusha D. has had quite the past 12 months. Her days mostly consist of making exaggerated facial expressions, duct-taping phone books (in an effort to reduce misogynistic reading material for the masses), and listening to Pete the Cat’s groovy adventures. Jerusha, the true latter-day saint she is, dedicates her free time to supporting her community. She took it upon herself this year to be Santa for many underprivileged children and their families by collecting and delivering basic needs and toys. Additionally, Jerusha teaches group weightlifting classes at her local gym, training lift-adjacent (otherwise known as “weak”) athletes to find joy in the death-defying activities that are North Macedonian splits squats. Jerusha’s weightlifting talents are plentiful, between her Albanian deadlift successes and her Croatian skull crusher feats. However, the weightlifting category in which she truly shines is hip thrusters. Jerusha does hip thrusters like nobody’s business. In fact, under the right wind conditions, she can hip-thrust up to two water buffalos.

Jerusha’s home life has undergone a lot of development this year. After buying the trailer she has been living in, she watched over 200 hours of interior design shows and DIY home improvement project videos as research to prepare for the commencement of a full remodeling/redecorating plan. Walls were painted, plants were strategically placed, and drills were stolen (and replaced, don’t worry Dad). The result is entirely different living and guest rooms. Her chickens seem indifferent to the new flare, but Lilah and Jo Jo have responded positively to the whole ordeal. This makes sense, given their newly-created catio. The “catio” is an invention sweeping the international community (both Germany and the U.S.), an outdoor cage that hangs outside one’s window for cats who want some taste of the outside but are too spoiled to actually want to stay out there. Unfortunately, the catio has done nothing to protect every single one of Jerusha’s roommate Grace’s dinner rolls from being taste tested. However, the results of the catio are substantial in some categories, decreasing the number of socks/leggings Jo Jo has swallowed whole by 0.07% over the past 6 months! Needless to say, Jerusha’s cats are on board with her mid-century modern furnishing aspirations.

Jay D. 

A tall and lanky fellow, tragically our Jay has been missing from action for the better part of six months. The official story is that he, after experiencing the warmer parts of the earth, CHOSE to return to the blistering cold of Minnesota. But would Jay really do that? After he "worked remotely" as a shipping logistics coordinator from Mexico? After chasing wild chickens while

shipping printing presses around the world camping for weeks behind Jerusha's trailer? After buying an E-Bike that does not work below 20 degrees Fahrenheit? The government needs to get their story straight. I don't care how much better access to Yarrow (and the anti-inflammatory effects therein) he has in Duluth, it doesn't add up. How many press releases will they make about his treatment in various condiment-themed health clinics before the public wakes up? Jay has been kidnapped, and I'm going to write the truth if I have to make it up with my bare hands. There is speculation that he is yet another causality in the "smitten-contagion" thought to have been brought spread through tainted dates. Though this particular case would indicate sugar-free cookies are more likely to blame. We may never know the whole story. We can only hope that the new year finds him somewhere warmer and in good company. Somewhere like Old Mexico, or even New Mexico; personally, I think either would work.

Isaiah D. (those books followed him home against his will)

and Elise M.D (still trying to figure out how to make Merry Christmasssskii a thing)

Intrepid missionary explorers Isaiah D and Elise Megale D, who just over a year ago proved that the Oregon Trail could be traveled both ways, have now undertaken to carve a trail to the deepest darkest Arkansas into the Ville of Fayette. Initial impressions seem to be that the natives are mostly friendly in this uncharted land. The pair are closely monitoring the native     tendency to rally around an image of a wild boar 🐗 while watching heavily clad students run and tackle one another over a coveted pigskin 🏈 and screaming “Suuuueeeeee!” Also inexplicable is a preponderance of bike trails, Walmarts, and supposed mountains (read: really small hills) such as the Ozarks.

Elise MD Elise M.D. (A medical doctor), has had a rocky year, or a year that rocks, or maybe, just a year that much closer to the rockies. Rocks were involved. And Children? Yes, children that don’t speak any English, so good luck miming out how to not anger the goats at the petting zoo knowing full well that you will never succeed. Elise has mostly left behind her tendency to speak in Spanish all day at her 3rd grade bilingual class in Atlanta (and a decade before this in Corvallis and Canby) in favor of a new acting career in this foreign land. Interfacing between the schools and Afghan and Congolese refugee families through Canopy NW Arkansas, her long-buried acting abilities have come to the surface as communication skills. Her newly developed support library of picture books to ease refugee transitions for all involved was a true success. Next up? Art classes using curriculum which teaches social and emotional skills and plans to  display this art in the community.

As for Isaiah D, his long-awaited transition out of being a student was completed when he graduated with his bachelor’s degree from OSU. Does this mean he will stop collecting and reading books? Who even asked this question?

The recent excuse for his book obsession is a new job as associate pastor at Christ the King Anglican Church, where he spends every Sunday morning hiding statues and moving furniture in their rented building. Oh—. and praying and preaching. When TWC tracked him down between weekday meetings to ask about this new vocation, Pastor D. commented that it was the only way to combine his true loves: coffee and books, with his gift of connecting people. You can listen to Isaiah and lead pastor Ashley Matthews at https://open.spotify.com/show/0OzGOa8oisJ4qULdiqALYa?si=U5IKzjLJSSOS_Xj3yI5PKA (pause for Rick Roll reaction)

Mom D.

This year may have been the busiest year yet for Mom D.. In this year alone she has started and finished a year-long Prophetic Training program, run a kids worship camp at Life Church, left Jive Church (no relation), traveled to Austin TX, flew to Fayetteville AR, and started substitute teaching. And all of this while simultaneously raising three children and running a halfway house for another 5 children who are halfway between college and a stable mental state (Rachel would like to note that she doesn’t feel like she should be counted in the halfway house count because she is at home not half but all of the time).

In completing her Prophetic Training school Mom D. is now a certified prophetic trainer. Mom D. described the program to me and not gonna lie it sounded like they were training people to do what she’s been doing for the last 20 years. But she also learned some new things, got a lot of prophetic practice, and was able to get really good feedback from her peers and the school leadership during the 9 months.  Now she can get paid to do what she has been doing for the last 40 years, or she would if she wasn’t a woman. *Collective sigh for the patriarchy*

In a bittersweet ending, Mom D. also left her position as head pastor of children’s ministries at Life church. We at the TWC are not sure which direction the kids’ life program will go given the void in leadership and vision left by Mom D. But we were assured by top church leadership that they would do their best to meet the children’s needs as they walked towards the children’s sanctuary with a picture of a smiling woman… taped to a broomstick… taped to a Roomba. Shortly after leaving Jive church, Mom D. flew to Austin to graduate from prophetic school and then to Fayetteville where she stayed for a week with Isaiah and Elise. While we obviously interviewed Mom D. on what she did in Fayetteville, for brevity's sake we are choosing to leave these interesting activities out. Rst assured many strange herbs were involved.

“The epitome of educational success” - that’s how those in the D.A. (and the DeVyldere ½ House for angsty adults) have been referring to Mom D. as of late. She has started moonlighting as a substitute teacher in both Albany and Corvallis elementary schools, during the day. She’s taught in some prestigious classrooms such as Mrs. C’s old classroom and learned a lot of silent animals and public-school slang.

Dad D. (His Emotional Support Tea is probably still on the counter) 

What can one say about the incredibly complex life of Dad D.? Faster than a speeding garbage truck, stronger than the Tangent locomotive conductor who lays on the horn through 2 crossings at 1 am (are we sure that guy’s okay?). Able to leap from one tall hospital to another in a single bound, our superhero D.A.D.. (short for Daringly Awesome Dad) continues to lead a deceptively normal life. By day he still wears a tie to work and hangs out in his fancy office drinking tea answering emails and going to meetings. But any time day or night when the call comes in, he’s suddenly on the move. Somebody’s in trouble? A nurse can’t get into the system! A broken machine means a diabetic can’t get his meds! A penguin is stuck in the elevator! This is a job for the problem-solving genius of Dynamic Action Deliberator (also D.A.D.)

Gone is the mild-mannered tie-wearing office dweeb. In his place is the superhero who shows even the Finder to a loss. D.A.D. leaves even the Tree Master, who has moved on for greener pastt…er  …forests, in the shade.

And that’s not all. The LKS has intercepted coded transmissions indicating D.A.D. has discretely been masterminding the take-down of several world-domination plots this year alone. One top-secret project involved the marketing and sale of a substantial chunk of real estate in Crawfordsville before hostile agents could use it for nefarious purposes. It also involved expediting the liquidation of assets and the efficient movement of another superhero to not one, but two undisclosed locations in just a few months. Despite insurmountable obstacles, D.A.D. (Dedicated Amazing Director) worked tirelessly for truth, justice, and the DeVyldere way. 

How does he do it? You ask. Inquiring minds have been asking this question for decades. One answer has been determined. It seems to run in the family.

Grandpa P.

Grandpa P. moved not once, but twice this year. His first move to Albany was after a short vacation in Portland, and lasted a few months. His next move was to Corvallis where he joined in with spontaneous Christmas carolers who started wandering the halls. Impressively, Grandpa knew all of the lines, even without practicing beforehand. The L.K.S is investigating his astounding knowledge of all songs Christmas related. Is he in kahoots with “the man in red”? In his free time, Grandpa has been honing his scrabble skills and making friends with the other residents at his place, though he still tries to argue that Xi counts as a word. Recently, Grandpa has reached a health goal that few who have attempted have actually achieved (cough, couch Rachel): gaining weight. *Pause for snaps* Sadly, Grandpa has not yet been able to put his knowledge of chicken husbandry to use yet, but the L.K.S is looking for ways to sneak chicks in through the air ducts this Spring. 

Rooomer Columb:

• Sariego is forming a band “The Meh Mehs” 
• Elijah’s deck is now an ice skating rink
• Aurora has adopted three new kittens and is teaching them to sail
• Jay is fleeing the midwest stating: “It’s cold there, aye?”
• Keturah is starting her competing 
• news-paper this spring: The Tangent Times A Million
• More than one member of the LKS has been to Disneyland, promoting hopes and fears that they will perform a hostile takeover.
• No one is allowed to open presents this year
• Following the “big reveal” at Christmas this year (just wait for it), the family will have less leftover wrapping paper than in years past
• Alex Morgan has formed a cult and I kinda want in. As my father says: “you’re going to be part of a cult one way or another, so you might as well be in a cult with Alex Morgan”
• Following supply shortages a slew of stores including Goodwill, Ross and H&M will only sell belly shirts starting in 2023
• Micah and Johanna are more than just “friends” and are going to do something about it (friendship bracelets?)
• Dad showered? (Unclear if that’s related to the “something about it”)
• Hannah is starting a commune in the Bae Area focused on Boba tea and spontaneous spike-ball
• The Weekly Comet is write only: no editing is possible
• Grace only speaks French now
• Yarrow is more than a Flowering plant
• Hannah had a non-committal run in with  Sacramento biking police officer 
• The Midnighties are making a comeback
• Hot girl summer has now transitioned into weary wench winter 
• Sarah D. makes moist bread 
• Elijah’s about to be very very sweaty 
• The project runway has been the source of many sleepless and stressful nights….and mornings….afternoons….and weekend

The Ranch:

2022 brought a lot of change, perhaps none so great as the retirement of the DeVyldere Ranch. The Ranch, that Grandma and Grandpa D. purchased sometime in the 1990s, was a favorite place for children to learn about herding cattle, the difference between cows, bulls and steers and extreme forms of birth control. Nothing’s quite the same knowing that we won’t wander through a field of cow pies, or potentially get smothered inbetween two haybales. The ranger station and the slide that went 90mph straight into the ground will no longer bring joy and slivers to little children. *Pause for dramatic remembrance* 

The Bilingual Plague:

“I just started going to high school, and I wanted to fit in,” says Ezra D, “All the cool kids were doing it, so I thought I should too. But once I started, I just couldn’t seem to stop.” Ezra D. is just one of those most recently afflicted with what people (or at least they should) are calling the “Bilingual Plague.” A stunning percentage of all of the DeVyldere children have now studied a foreign language at some point in their life. Usually, this doesn’t present a problem, but when people start actually trying to learn another language by working it into their daily lives, things get complicated. “I used to be able to make a batch of muffins and just eat them all myself,” says Rachel D. a person working heard to gain weight through eating excessive amounts of muffins. “Nowadays, these kids come to me saying, ‘Puedo tener un muffin por favor’ and how am I supposed to say no to that? I lose 3-4 muffins a batch.” Rachel D. pauses for a second to lightly cough twice. “It used to be that saying ‘no hablo ingles’ was the end of a conversation, now its the start of one.” 

Affected citizens can be seen randomly running around saying, “No tengo manos!” in the early stages, progressing to ‘tengo un gato en mis pantalones’, then singing along to Dos Oruguitas in the later stages. There is no known cure, and some of the more severely affected have fled the country. There are two known variants in circulation now. The first was diagnosed at Linfield University. When sent to France for an extended vacation to recuperate, sadly the subject’s condition deteriorated. This “Linfield variant” has strangely not affected all DeVyldere students of Linfield, and seems to be even less contagious within the DeVyldere household. However, it seems to cause the most social ostracization of the variants. “I’ve started making up words and pretending to understand Grace just to make her feel better.” The only other known variant exists outside the U.S. though with international travel increasing, there is concern that it may spread. “Mark my words, they’re going to start making clubs and then it’ll be movies in Spanish without any subtitles!” Rachel D. worries. “When does it stop? Soon they’ll be saying things like ‘Dime tu carro’ or having identity crises and thinking they’re part of a family of Italian plumbers, when they can’t actually speak Italian. How do you even combat that?”

Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet 2022 Christmas Edition!!!