Weekly Comet

The Weekly Comet 81 (comments and criticisms can now be directed to France)

Christmas Edition!!! (bet ya didn't see this coming)

Christmas. Weekly. Comet. Edition....Words. Separated. By. Periods. This is it, the edition you’ve been waiting for (well, since last Christmas), and we’re going to tell you all the juicy secrets, spill all the beans; then clean up the beans before they stain the table, because it’s our editorial position that that table’s been through enough. Plus, it’s Christmas, remember? We’ve got to seat like a dozen or more children all at the mercy of Sarah D., who has cornered the market on gf/df apple-bread. And after all of that, the beans will still end up on the ceiling.

In hindsight, we might be focusing on the beans a little too much...Nevertheless, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Hot Salad will be giving a surprise performance (surprise to them, not to us) and Micah's all set in his oversized box. So stick around. Or keep reading. Or whatever.

Keturah D.

Keturah D. has set the Christian Youth Group Scene on fire this year. Ezra D. and her have leveled up from attending one to two youth groups. They have even started a gaggle of “Youth Groupers” (yes, that kind of Jesus-related fish), that attend multiple youth groups with them to fight the patriarchy. Keturah D. can now be found angsting out to music all of the time because she officially became a teenager, and her hair was already “temporarily” dyed purple in preparation. That’s right, everyone here should feel really old because the entire LKS is teenaged. Keturah D. has also (you guessed it) made more friends and even found younger siblings to hang out with. In reality, these are her friend Bella’s siblings, but that’s just a technicality until she gets the sibling adoption papers figured out.

Ezra D.

There’s no helping it. Ezra D. is now moving on up to become a contestant for this year’s household hottest-teen-angst competition. While turning 15 in as many years would be stressful for some, it hasn’t taken away his legendary chill, or love for cats. Being nominated for any household’s “angsty-teen” award is an honor, and the coveted “hottest-teen-angst” award, to be given exclusively by your most embarrassing parent (you know who you are) in front of your friends, is a prize coveted time in memoriam. The last winner was Jerusha D. during her Anne of Green Gables phase; she had a slate and she knew how to use it.

In an interview given on Friday, Ezra emphatically held that he’s not letting the nomination change him, stating, “The hottest what Award? Did Mom come up with this? Why would I want that?” Although there have been reports that he is growing out his bangs (and/or bell-bottoms), so it’s safe to say he’s aware of the competition; it’s not just that his room is clean. But (beaver) dam, is his room clean.

Ezra concluded the interview with, “No I won't introduce you to any of my musician friends. Now get out, you’re dropping Cheerios all over my freshly vacuumed floor.” We then concluded our interview, but only because we were out of Cheerios. Speculation continues to accumulate after Ezra D. made a shocking announcement just two months ago: "the patriarchy! it exists!" Whilst dealing with the reprecussions of such a worldly understanding, Ezra has still managed to beat Jewel D. in being ranked hottest hugger alive (in the tri-state area). P.S: if you see Ezra, be aware that, due to his increasing height, you are even more susceptible to getting carried away. You might think you're in one room, but chances are that you won't stay there for long.

Jewel D.

Jewel-Anne DeVyldere, or Jewbi dewbi dewba as your neighborhood pandas call her, has the whole DeVyldere house buzzing. This young entertainer has been in multiple impressive plays in the past, but her upcoming role has to be the biggest yet. Her role as Mrs.Luce in the musical “The Little Shop Of Horrors” will surely take this rising star straight to the top of the tree! I guess that’s where the other stars hang out.

In other tragic/magical news Jewel has both lost/gained a roommate (the same roommate) both of which miraculously occurred in the last 4 months. The two lived with each other for a little over 12 years before the split was forced upon the heartbroken duo, but is there drama with Keturah and Jewel? Did Jewel get a little too used to living alone? Did Keturah change her way of co-existing as a side effect of the change of environment? We may never know. Sources strongly suggest that high school may have changed the Jewel we had known forever, she started cuffing her jeans and wearing outfits cuter than her younger, more adorable sister’s.

Jewel enjoys sleeping (on the bed she rents from her cat, who owns all property she leaves her fir on), shredding songs on the ukulele (the songs she wrote), and following the pack all swallowed in their coats (with scarves of red tied round their throats). Our reporters have caught pictures of Jewel D goofing around, singing beautifully, and lighting up any room on, and off stage. I think it’s safe to say this smart, talented, gorgeous girl is preparing herself very well for the further steps she’s going to take in her life.

Sarah D.

Sarah D. (aka Sarah Beara (aaka...akaka?....aaaaaaka Sarah Sue You!)) Has had one rick-rolling year. Sarah is a senior at South Albany High School and has been thoroughly enjoying her elite status as an upperclassman. Sarah participated in 4-7 sports (depending on how you count them). These sports include cross-country, soccer, basketball, and track, part time wrestling manager, extreme baking , kitten petting, and regular baking (she’s also a captain of two of those sports - we’ll let you choose). Highlights of her sports this year include pole vaulting 8 ft and forcing Diego to join pole vaulting, causing him to lose the respect and love of his family.

Over the summer Sarah boarded a plane to the middle of the country to see the Kansas City cousins. No one really knows what happened there but we’ve heard reports of large ballet dancers, gluten-free fried chicken, summer markets and paying a luxury tax. That’s right, we don’t know when Sarah became so luxurious (it’s probably her silky blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes) but the Missouri government released a statement saying they really don’t know what to do with Sarah, and others like her, with all their luxury items and felt that the safest course of action was oppression - hence the lux tax. In July Sarah also celebrated her 2 1/2 year anniversary with Logan Madriaga.

Sarah also planned and organized a super secret winter formal at the Albany Boys and Girls Club this December which I guess is pretty impressive, but, I mean - how secret was it if even this TWC reporter was aware of the time and place all the way in California. Our judgement: You could have done better at being secretive, but an overall 10/10 for organizing an entire dance basically by yourself.

During the rest of the year Sarah has been a great roommate and housemate to the DeVyldere family - singing songs, practicing law (more or less successfully - Elijah Gyllenhaal will probably get out soon), yelling “Smell my pheromones!”, baking awesome apple bread, and generally being a delight to have around. Although Sarah has been accepted to each college she's applied to, inside, very real sources claim she has future plans to one day attend the University of the Undecided. This of course prompts the question: is the L.K.S building a headquarters in Ohio?

Faith D.

Leah Faith Wilkaimkmina DeVyldere, a 19-year-old dog owner who occasionally goes by the name Whilhemina (with two silent k’s… somewhere), is the pride of Western Oregon University or as the local paddleboardskii-ers call it, “WOU!!!” Faith dabbles in activities such as drinking all of the chai tea she can and binging entire New Girl seasons in under 4 hours. Rumor has it that Faith gathered a group of homeschooled gluten-free pancake enthusiasts to join an association called…

[DRUM ROLL, PLEASE]

…the Community of Faith. Some sources (that shall remain unnamed) claim the cult has peculiar rules. A sampling:
1. We don’t talk about the collective group

4. Spanish homework is a group activity.

9. No Protests (especially not against a certain old man dressed in red and white).

37. ¿Cómo se dice “Pancakes”?

The homeschoolers affiliated with this association (or ‘sociation, I’ve heard it both ways) were in complete disarray when their so-called ‘leader’ left them for her four “collage” roommates, Maggie, Annabelle, Mira, and Dot. Dot is a waffle maker, and yet another disappointment to our young heroines / gluten free pancake aficionados.

Sarah and Faith have lived together before, but is there tension between this (in)famous duo? Is Sarah jealous of Faith’s new roommates? Is Faith offended that she wasn’t invited to Sarah’s party last Sunday? (Editor's note: WAIT SHE HAD A PARTY WITHOUT ME?!) Is Boxanetta back from the dead? Can Dot charm a jaded former waffle officianto? We may never know, but stay tuned for TWC in the future for all the latest updates.

Our reporters have snuck into college dorms, hid in unsuspecting bushes, and spent a surprising amount of time in Hobby Lobby over the last few months to keep up with this insanely spontaneous adolescent (who’s actually been a ‘lescent for like two years, guys). Faith enjoys long three mile runs (for some reason away from her home?), shopping with her wacky siblings (most likely barefoot), and being a bright inspiration to everyone around her. We’ve gathered that there’s more to this editor than she puts on, and we’re going to stay uncomfortably close to her until we get the whole story (Also ‘cause Faith is fun).

College Faith D.

Not to be confused with Faith D., College Faith ran a half marathon this last May, played club soccer at WOU and spent a good amount of time on snapchat self-branding the College Faith name by waffling everything from eggs to brownies.

Grace D.

Where has she been? Uhhh… France. Grace D. has spent the last four months in Aix-en-Provence. While attempting to get rich and buy her parents' homes in the South of France, Grace D. continued to attend college and travel around Europe. During her study abroad trip, Grace could be found taking walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain… traveling in Barcelona (pause for musical accompaniment) and singing La Vie en Rose. She also visited the UN European headquarters in Switzerland and an undisclosed location in Italy. The LKS started tailing her after she was seen with a doctor and a suspiciously tall non-German person in Bonn, Germany. However, the LKS lost her in a salsa club, because they were “too short” to enter (but does that keep them from salsa dancing? Of course not!).

Prior to fleeing the country, Senator DeVyldere retired from her post, citing conflict of timezones and “I’ll be in Europe enjoying my life, leave me alone!” as her reasons for resigning amongst such staunch support during her Senior year at Linfield University. She also continued her Hurdling career this year and actually competed in official meets (Take that, COVID!).

In the Summer, she joined the sensation sweeping through the DeVyldere family: Paddleboarding, while simultaneously keeping up with what sources are calling a “Fellowship”, it's like an internship, but not, for the new and improved CIA, now PPIA.

Rachel D.

Collage. No two words have struck such fear into the heart of a girl since “No Rollerblades Allowed”. Rachel has not only overcome Collage, but she made it her beach, getting multiple degrees.. of sunburn before leaving the Beiber nation.

Despite multiple First Aid certified lifeguards on the T.W.C staff we still woefully mis-identified the types of degrees— (“First-degree: are superficial burns, like saying yo moma, Second-degree burns or partial thickness burns, often start with dads eyebrows and end with an eye roll, Third-degree burns are full thickness burns that go through the dermis due to their knee slapper response.)

1st degree - Pre-med creative writing B.S:

They said it couldn’t be done! Such an ambitious pursuit..you know, given that neither are actually degrees.

2nd degree- Spanish B.A (Bad Aligator):

The requirements for this degree were so strenuous and time consuming that they took her just under thirteen years to complete. As far as we can tell this included finding and raising a child to speak fluent Spanish by the eve of teenhood whilst only using a few key phrases, including: Abrazos! ¡No tienes brazos! ¿A qué hora es? Y Yo tengo uno osito. As a result Keturah’s interactive skills are limited to controversial conversations on topics like— At what time do we have the right to arm bears? And When will Jewel (the sunbear) give us another hug? …

3rd degree - German? French? Polish? Chemistry Minor?

They say that by the 3rd degree burn you’re dazed, in shock, and probably don’t know what's going on. We’d say thay pretty accurate.

(Man we were way off. They probably shouldn’t have certified us…….Zoom courses! am I right?)

However, since completing the requirements for her degrees, her energy has been otherwise directed. Some might say it's time for…. an intervention. Rachel’s long term relationship with her “friend” Dou has reportedly lasted an impressive 531 day outpacing that of even Sariengo. At first it started like all great love stories. Infatuation, constant messaging, games, sweet messages like keep it up! You’re doing great!

However, more recently some DeVyldere’s seem to be questioning integrity of Dou and are deeply worried for Lilly’s safety (even after being assured that Lilly’s well being does not depend on Rachel learning Spanish that day and that she is safe and secure’) What once was sweet language learning fun has turn to late night text saying “don’t forget —- What really gets us worried is that he never called it was is……extortion.

Dad D. even got involved. Reportedly telling her: “it's supposed to be fun…learning another language.”

Elijah D.

We’re not going to lie, Elijah has had a rough year. As Riva’s Taco Shop’s premier daytime customer, the shortening of their hours, and pull back on the free guac has left a hole in his heart (where all that guac should have been). Yes, he’s painting houses, setting up Christmas lights, and generally climbing on strangers’ roofs. Yes, he’s been out for the count with a debilitating back injury. Yes, his favorite tacoria will no longer serve him dairy out of respect for his wife and the bedroom they share. But. He. Keeps. Going.

We’re happy to report that, though it’s been a long (and continuing) struggle, involving lots of doctors' offices and physical therapy, Elijah is back on his feet, and back on strangers’ roofs. And some of those strangers are even paying him to be there. Take that COVID/Riva’s/Random-spinal-cord-injuries-that-are-completely-unrelated-to-any-wheelbarrow-race-accidents-that-the-weekly-comet-couldn't-possibly-be-liable-for-anyway.

There is one spinal cord injury that Elijah can’t win against with physical therapy alone, and that’s gentrification. Following the transfer of ownership of his mobile home park to more business-minded people, Elijah’s been working with his neighbors to stand up for the rights of low-income tenants to have a decent place to live. Other than fighting for a better back, and a better world, Elijah and Aurora have both been moved this year to spend more quality time in the woods with family and friends. Some of those family/friends even consented to being taken there.

Aurora M.

Some would say that Aurora has had a quiet, maybe even mundane, year in 2021. Those people would be wrong! (And let's be honest...those people would also be Benny).

Aurora M. has had a year full of jogging in the park, snorkeling in the ocean, and among many other things, eating some good food.

Sources close to Aurora (like really, really close, they share the same deck) say that despite many difficult challenges she has had to face this year (they still won't let you sample Costco pies in the store!), she hasn't lost her smile (especially when eating aforementioned pies). This last spring/summer, Favorite Person (aka Rordor) (aaka Ror) traveled to Vegas, Hoover damn, The Grand Canyon, and The middle of the Jaliscan jungle.

Aurora's life has been spiced this year by her fish; Piper, Angelica and Smaug (destroyer of worlds), her husband (ref) and her collection of lovely planters.

She is looking forward to having more adventures, sleeping, and even more friends around her constantly in 2022.

Hannah D.

Hannah D. has been busy this year traveling to and from the Berkeley area, California where she shares a room with her best friend, Luke. This summer, Hannah D. launched her career as a backpacking guide and brought in 8-12 hikers to hike Duffy Lake. Sadly, Luke was not able to make it, because he’s a cat. This fall she has started embracing her inner geek and hanging out at Math parties where she allegedly met….a fellow basketball player. That’s right, you heard it here first, Hannah D. has been playing basketball in the Bay without us. However, that may not be working so well for her because she has plant facts now and has had to take a break from playing. Quick, how many times can a rosebush get hit with a soccer ball and still survive?... Asking for a friend. Finally, in recent news, Hannah D. has finished with all of the classes she is required to take in college to get her Ph.D. Now, she can just take all of the fun classes, well, that, and do research and stuff.

Micah D.

Born in a barn on the 4th of July, and raised by a cup of coffee (with the help of benevolent wolves), Micah D is clearly the protagonist of TWC Christmas Letter.

Micah sighed, as he wearily closed his laptop from a long day of web developing at his new internship, his final requirement for completing an undergraduate degree in computer science. He looked indolently out on the day. It was 9:00 p.m. in Germany. The daytime of the NIGHT!

This year, Micah D and partner Johanna H finally got engaged... in a 3-year contract with a sketchy DSL-powered internet service provider! Their move from Ulm, Germany to Bonn, Germany coincided with some serious life changes (strictly in terms of utility contracts). People began to talk. 'Where is Ulm, Germany?' a confused DA student reportedly reported to a purported TWC reporter. 'Where is Bonn, Germany?'

Johanna asked Micah for his hand… with some research projects, and he ended up working for the Psychology department as a developer - a gig he described as 'a pretty serious commitment'. Now onto his internship in Bonn, Micah reports his weekly activities as follows:

Buy schnitzel
Eat (or wear?) said schnitzel
Work from home
Go for leisurely run in freezing rain
Make check mark on paper

The year brought a big surprise as well, as Micah and Johanna got hitched… to a series of increasingly impressive Vanessa Hutchens films.

P.S. Jo also asked Micah to marry her. TWC is still investigating, but at this point, we can only speculate what his answer was.

Johanna H.

Johanna H, now known just as “The Doctor”, has been working from home and caring for her many (but never “many” enough) house plants. She did have a difficult time trying to stop her boyfriend from turning her house plant obsession into a never-ending technical project that would light up the neighborhood at random hours of the night—but thankfully she doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore, opting instead to exchange him in Italy for a fiancé (that’s where they have the diacritics).

Other than publishing a few papers, successfully proposing first (Until she showed up with a single rose, Who says women can't propose?), and saving the world from total extermination at the hands of an alien species, she’s had a slow year. The only other things of note were her finishing her Ph.D. in Psych summa cum laude (unclear if this includes the follow-up movies), accepting a postdoctoral position, and moving over 400km away to Bonn. (Editor’s note: once we know what “km” or “Bonn” means we’ll add a translation here).

Jerusha D.

*80’s exercise music* Power pose. yo-ga. accessorize. yo-ga. help some cats. yo-ga. Do it all. yo-ga.

Jerusha is living and “doing it all” in the intentional community of Lewisburg (intentionally just outside of Corvallis). While helping Grandpa P. maintain an active farm, she’s put together yet another kick-boot classroom for GAPS Early Childhood intervention.

Why is she supporting this large space (GAPS) between the door and the stall doorway you ask? This is far less certain. Certainly GAPS has left her classroom too cold for any reasonable person to work. Still she soldiers on. It could be all of the children, some of which have affectionately been termed “little chunks."

When she’s not out shilling for big GAPS (or kids, or whatever). Jerusha can be found SHREDDING it at the gym. Like seriously, she could bench three to four of her kids at once (which she says she won’t do for “ethical reasons” so “stop asking”). But this is not enough for a mum of two cats, three chicken, and a bunny. She’s gotten into hiking with her friends and leading family yoga. Some say Jerusha is fluent in Spanish, others just say she's really great at her job. Some, like Jo Jo, didn't say anything about Jerusha, as he was too busy swallowing her socks.

Namaste.

Jay D.

J.B Instant Lawn

There’s a man you can call when things get tough. “Well how ‘re ye’ now?”

Jay, (formerly J.B. Instant Lawn) has never been one to take it lying down. He’s going to be an active participant. And when he’s done kicking your butt at De Vyldere ball, he’s going to go back to fighting against injustice everywhere.

We never quite know where he is (due to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, outlined in Sarah D’s hit song “Never Quite Know Just Where To Find You”), but we always (sometimes) know what he’s up to. He’s either playing guitar in a motel stairwell, skinny dipping in a natural underground pool in central/south america, or protesting the pollution of our environment and wholesale destruction of humanity’s future. You’d think he’d at least need to sleep or something in between, but I guess when you’ve been a remote logistics coordinator for long enough, sleep just isn’t that important.

This year we did get some brief glimpses of the artist formerly known as J.B., when he lived among the natives of Corvallis just long enough to get “that van life” going. And, like a wounded bird, dutifly nursed back to life with hummus and that one salsa from the co-op, our fledgling jay emerged from Oregon in June with a van and a flock of like-minded birds; all with the mandate to shut it down, whatever it takes. Lives were on the line.

In a somewhat confusing turn of events, this “reverse migration” led them to Minnesota (it’s a real state of mind, we promise), where they spent a long fruitless summer standing up for what’s right, and paying the price for it. Though the pipeline in question was ultimately completed (with the help of many privately financed police/sheriff departments). Our Jay is in it for the long haul and has set up shop in Duluth.

We believe the TWC editorial staff speaks for everyone when we say: Thank you, Jay, we’re glad you’re on our side.

Isaiah D.

Just when we thought Isaiah and Justin Bieber couldn’t get any more similar, Isaiah decided to also get his peaches from Georgia by moving there this summer. According to L.K.S reports, Isaiah initially found it difficult to wear his pacific northwest lumberjack attire in the 80-degree weather. However, he eventually adapted into the true Georginian (Georgitian?) George we all knew he could be, and is enjoying the perks of Georgia dress codes such as he is always ready to go golfing. Earlier this year, Isaiah graduated from Multnomah University with his Master’s in theology. Recently he has been spending his time hiking and befriending local coffee shop owners (because how else can he get the true origin seedless 3-drip gluten-free organic free-range cornfed cruelty-free coffee?). He has also been finishing his last term at OSU virtually and simultaneously working on setting the Guinness World Record for the largest at-home library known to woman. Some critics question why anyone would ever want “more books than there are bookshelves in the tri-state area” but we can’t blame Isaiah for not throwing out the books that launch themselves into the back seat of his car, even if it is an oddly common occurrence for him.

Elise M.D

One word: Paddleski. Finishing up this past school year, Elise struggled along with teachers across the country to take on the new challenge of teaching children’s pets over zoom. During the summer she was very often found in the water, paddleskiing to her heart’s content with her many converted paddleski-going sisters. In August, Elise started a new position as a third grade consultant, providing kids in a Georginian classroom far, far away with the necessary skills to read, write, practice long division, and resolve their differences (all in Spanish). Elise has, like Isaiah, been adjusting to the better quality thriftshopski options in their new area of Buckhead. This year Elise spent her time runningski, paddleboardingski, getting her nails done (like a true Georgitian) making new friendsski with her coworkers, and, (now that she’s back in the U.S), cuddling with the DeVyldere kittensski. Although long-distance has been hard, Elise and Diego have maintained their strong, close relationship based on a mutual love for Sariego. Also according to our research team (Ezra just continuously rollerskating the beltline with a go-pro) Elise is a medical doctor….so do with that what you may.

Mom D.

How do you solve a problem like ~~Maria~~ Mom? This year, as Jive Church Salam struggled to get back to normal, Mom sought to bring it to new levels. Following the blockbuster report on sexism within Willamette valley churches penned by our very own Faith D. last year, Mom D. has spent a large part of her time trying to lead the Children’s Ministry in a way that honors all the genders God (in our case Marshal Horn, but in general the God of the Bible) created.

That is not to say that this year has been easy. She has had to contend with long-standing health problems and losing her dearest and most favorite child to collage. Yes, you heard that right. If you didn’t know before, you know now: decoupage can tear your family apart.

Thankfully Mom D. is not easily beat. And also thankfully, the family keeps coming back to live with her no matter how many times she politely asks them to leave. She’s also been blessed to get a little traveling in with a mysterious and handsom—Oh no wait, it was just with Dad. But still, she got some traveling in. She got time with her family. She got to read a lot of great books, what more do you want?

Dad D.

Dad D. has had a spectacular year! He just got a raise at work after getting a fancy new office earlier this year. In his free time, he enjoys long walks in Las Vegas (Hoover Dam!) and telling Verizon store employee Brian about his family. Despite their close friendship, Dad D. still managed to trick Brian into getting us an unlimited data family plan and many children new phones. Despite the Great Bathroom Remodel of 2020-21 and installing porch lights, he still found time to climb South Sister, uphill, both ways, in the snow, for the twenty-seventh time this summer, setting a new family record. Dad also recently took on the position of Tangent paperboy, or at least that's what we assume he's doing riding his bike at unspeakably early hours in the morning multiple times a week....Wait, come to think of it we're the only paper in town, and we don't even print! Maybe he's just hearing all the neighborhood cats? More on this story as it unfolds.

Grandpa John

It might not be thanksgiving, but that’s not stopping him. Grandpa John is thankful to live with his granddaughter Jerry D. in north Corvallis. He’d like you to believe that you don’t need us. That he will email you periodic updates about his life. But buckle up, because there are some things only WE will tell you.

Did you know that he doesn’t even live in Corvallis? He lives in Lewisburg, with his Bunny named Brair. This backyard farm is complemented by chickens that free-range throughout the house, and two cats that are frustrated in their attempts to catch the chickens. Did you know that he hasn’t even given up gardening? What’s that? He mentioned that in his letter? Oh. Well, maybe you should just read that then. The point is, we’re not irrelevant! The whole truth! Cute bunny rabbits!

Rumor column

Kwan has rebelled against the Tree Master
Mom knows the tree master (he delivered her boxes once) - (what are you insinuating?.....sharktruce)
The Tree Master extended this year’s tree deadline to 1 a.m (this was written at 2am)
Hannah’s been helping a “kid” with his math homework
Grace knows what tannins are
Rachel graduated from college
Jewel is afraid of Beavers
Keturah’s mug broke…suspiciously Grace and other mug mis-identifiers fled the state emmediately. The LKS is on the case.
Where is that again?
Rachel got asked to dancce at Ethan Chadwick's birthday party
Rumor has it Adele is at Christmas this year...and before you freak out we suggest you take it easy, don't set fire to the rain.
Euphie fell into a vat of radioactive wrapping paper…thus becoming “Supah-euphie"

Hoodwinked

Some villains are born in fire—but we’re getting ahead of ourselves. It’s a saturday morning, there’s a light drizzle outside, while our cast of characters sleep. Not ever knowing that one of them is an arsonist, just waiting to strike!

“Good mornin', good mornin'” Jerusha sings into her phone as she wakes up with a smile on her face.

Her words are quickly carried to the rest of our characters through the group chat.

“I’ll be there soon. Yogs!” Hannah replies as she rubs the sleep from her eyes. It’s cold, and she’d like to start a fire, but yoga was waiting, and she is waiting for a link.

“Bonjour, bonjour.” Grace expertly joins the Zoom link, deducing that it was a recurring event. Hannah’s “Yogs” comment had her on edge though. Was she planning something? Grace didn’t know, but it was later in the day for her, as she was joining from Paris France where she was interning at the United Nations.

Jerusha opens her laptop and begins stretching. She needs this. The weird Janitor at work keeps interrupting her Yoga on her lunch breaks. The thought of that makes her tense a little. She messages the group: “Let’s do this! #liveyoga”

Hannah is confused. “I’m still waiting for a link?” She writes back.

“It’s the same link.” Jerusha briefly considers setting fire to something in frustration, but thinks better of it. Everyone would know it was her.

Finally Hannah’s face appears and the Yoga session is ready to start in earnest. No one noticed the small remote control robot that Hannah had left on her last visit, conveniently snuggled behind the couch.

“Alright, let's do level two” Jerusha says in her sing-song voice. The other girls nod enthusiastically, and yoga begins.

“Gently rock back and forth while putting both legs behind your head. If you need, you can use a yoga block to support you.” The yoga instructor starts off, seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of pain and the limits of the human body in general.

A small black furry figure runs quickly in the background. Grace thought back to her last time seeing Jojo, Jerusha’s troublesome cat. He was always threatening to set a fire, was that just for attention?

“Now arch your back, until your head is resting gently on the soles of your feet. Yoga position: big circle.“ The yoga instructor continues, obvious to the obvious threats mounting.

Hannah changes her pose, putting her hand towards something out of frame. Smoke starts filtering out from behind Jerusha. Jerusha isn’t reacting, still holding a full front split.

Grace suddenly notices something is wrong. But before she can react, Jerusha collapses out of her pose.

“Does anyone smell burning pee?” Jerusha asks quizzically.

“Put your arms completely behind you, and grab your knees, keeping your torso straight.” The yoga instructor continues undeterred.

Flames leap up, threatening to engulf the living room. Jerusha jumps into action using her yoga mat to beat at the base of the flames. The fire alarm screams. Yoga has never been so deadly. Yoga has never made us so alive.

Our characters survive. Only Grace sees a small form hop away in the hazy webcam image.

We may never know who the real culprit was. But if you step into Jerusha’s living room on a saturday morning and take a deep breath in, sometimes you can still catch a whiff of the smokey pee smell haunts the living room to this day.

Movie Premiere

This just in! After multiple covert investigations, lost footage from the deep playroom computer archives has been recovered. That's right, the long-awaited film by Micah D., Depth Shift, has finally been released! See Micah D. as you've never seen him before, short: