THE WEEKLY COMET 79 (COMMENTS AND CRITICISMS WELCOME)
Welcome to The Weekly Comet Birthday Issue! This 79th web issue is dedicated to…wait for itttt….Joanna Hartung, a close friend of the DA. Since we don’t really know when Jo’s birthday is exactly, we decided to take this time to celebrate her! So without further ado…
28 years ago, Dad D. had a difficult day. He spent hours and hours walking around Walmart, dealing with ignorant doctors, and then finally giving birth to a never-before-seen child. (Mom D., however, was nowhere to be found.) From then on it was smooth sailing, well, until the suspenders...and then the moving to Germany to pursue a life as a “Doctor Who” impersonator. Needless to say, Jo has had a very interesting life these past 28 years between the wave board dental care and winning Joshua Basset DeVyldere’s affections, and it’s been hard living without her since Elijah’s wedding. According to our overseas intel, Jo and her just friend are doing well on their Drooselstein tomato farm and she’s braving through her last month of finals (finals are year-round there). So don’t be alarmed, Jo is still the fun-loving, computer-programming, 6 ft. bowtie enthusiast she’s always been! Happy birthday!
Op-Ed: Should Rachel D. be Called “Doctor”?
Serious note: Since this topic is of great interest to the general public, we have issued an editorial opinion piece discussing one editor’s viewpoint in this segment. The following article is therefore very slanted, and a harsh contrast to the completely objective, factual news articles we usually publish. Brace yourselves.
Should Rachel D. be referred to as “Dr.”? In short, why the hockey sticks not? We can start by examining the facts. Fact: Rachel D. graduated with her pre-med bachelor’s degree majoring in Biology and Spanish, and minoring in Public Health and Chemistry from OSU in the Spring. Fact: Rachel did this all while wearing slippers. Fact: at any given moment, Rachel can describe to you the flag of any country in the world. Fact: Rachel’s kidney transplants are much cheaper than her competitors’. Fact: Rachel’s never lost a patient...well except Keturah, but then we found her again. Fact: Rachel is more of a doctor than you will ever be. Fact: your mom.
And so in examining the facts we come to the conclusion that, if Rachel requested it, we would probably have to call her “the all-knowing one.” In comparison to this, “doctor” seems both more efficient and completely reasonable. So there you have it folks, “Dr. Rachel D.”
Stay alert for our next Op-ed, “A Gateway Game: Should Encore be Criminalized in the DA?
Wanted: Extras for DeVyldere Academy Reunion Video: Where Are They Now?
Ever wanted to be on the big screen (in our living room)? Then have we got the offer for you! The DA Reunion video producers are in need of background characters that can do simple, mundane tasks like adding toothbrushes to a pot of soup, sweating lemonade, and/or beating fire alarms to death with a broom. Contact Faith D. if interesting...or just interested, at this point we’ll take anybody.
Wanted, Dead or Alive: Camp Counselors
Are you someone that loves fruit/Jesus? Do you have thousands of songs about fruit/Jesus memorized and they just burst out at random? Then we have the two-week adventure for you. Join us in staying at the DA off-campus religious studies building as we teach the younger generation that papayas really are something to be concerned about, we do things with feathers, and pastries in the face are encouraged so long as you give to charity! Serious inquiries only if you want to be made fun of.
Into the Woods
Long long ago, in a cabin far far away, Ezra and Keturah D. packed up their things and headed with a gaggle of other teenagers into the woods. In other words, they A-Bandon-ed us. While there, they bonded with the trees, each other, and the wild animals, who greatly appreciated the song “Bears are eating my friends.” Sure there were some casualties with the gaggle in the form of 3D sunburns, and Keturah came back looking redder than Clifford the Big Red Dog, but according to the L.K.S’s statement they accomplished their mission of “assimilation, infiltration, and other sketchy ‘tion’ words.” Is the L.K.S expanding? Is that even possible? What are the consequences of this decision? How the heck should we know? We don’t get paid enough for this...Anyways, they made it back home and have set to work teaching the uncultured their new dialect through phrases like “my man” and “drip.”
Accomplishment of the Century
Isaiah D. has done what many of us never thought possible. He has been officially kicked out of Linn-Benton Community College, a place so inclusive they keep your school email active long after you graduate, just in case you come back! At first, this news came as a shock to our staff here at T.W.C. However, upon further examination, we have discovered that it was only a matter of time until this happened. Isaiah had already checked out and read every book in the campus library, despite the fact that he was also pulling material from 2+ other campuses. He had also started teaching his classes,7 which obviously made the staff look bad. Honestly, we’re surprised that this didn’t happen sooner. He was really done for as soon as got his master’s from Multnomah College in Theology this past May. That one simple act pushed it over the top for LB. After their long, beautiful 15 years together, we are at the end of an era. Isaiah was the Dan Humphrey of LBCC, who needed to reveal his true self in order to move on. He may not have been the student LB deserved, but he was the student they needed.
PaddleSkiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
“Paddle”, “pudle”, “ouiiii”, “boardski”, “Ooo la la”, “sooooo happyskiiiiiiii”…These are just a few of the phrases you might hear wafting off a gentle breeze over the Willammette river as you stand on the Corvallis boardwalk still soaked from your twirl in the Fountain watching the boats meander under the bridge as you use your tiny spoon to savor some of Francesco’s Roman Holiday gelato. (This is what we call having range as a writer...Joel).
I digress. We’ve gone full ham! half ham! and now we’re beating the ham with Bobby Nelson! It's the craze that’s sweeping the DeVyldere Nation: PaddleSkiii!! While some might question the madness that is skiiing down a mountain at full speed on a paddleboard with only an oar and that bungee coard for stearing, we say you havn’t lived until you’ve paddleskiii…. And no we won’t shut up about it… paddleski is more than a way of life.. It is our method of traveling on water in all forms….you can stand up, you can sit down, you can try to trade places with Faith and have her fall on you… you can do yoga...(At this time we are contractually obligated to say here that this is not technically a cult). You just either know paddleskiii in your heart or we shun you and your family and dishonor your cow. And paddling (Contracual abligation, this is not a multi-level marketing scheme… yet.. we need just a few more paddle boards to complete our multi-level pyramid formation that let’s you be your own boss while still helping us to create our paddleboard pyramid. Get your paddleski board now!
FELL-OW-SHIP
Say it with me now…(think Candace party).. It's a FELLOWSHIP.. Not an intimate Internship. Recentely the T.W.C has been barraged by patrons requesting a clarification on what exactly Grace D., resident stress person staring intenteley at her computer, is up to at 8 am in the morning or 2 am also in the morning. While a few weeks ago this was common behaviour for the majority of the DeVyldere Academy residents as their sleeped deprived highly caffeinated zoomified brian's sludge out several online tests in the unholy offspring of midterms and higher education itself… Finals. While most of the houseold is celebrating Grace D. is reportedly going back to school. She got into a UC Berkeley’s (yes bean sprouts and Hannah’s Berkeley) Goldmans School for Public Policy and Internatioanl Affairs (PPIA), Junior Summer Institute (JIS) fellowship program. In lay man terms she’s gone back to school for 1 month andis taking 4 classes which specialize in public policy analysis ( think Grace cryng about writing papers), career development (think LBCC graduation destination), and quantitative analysis (think Math and a lot of JAR). And despite all the confusing acronyms she’s looking forward to learning lots and never being asked how her internship is going every again….. Because, say it with me it's a Fell-ow-ship! Candace Party! She also retains the right from this point on to start lying to any who asks her about said imaginary internship and say stuff like: “Mr. stark doesn’t like me to talk about my secret spider… internship… its a secret”.
Jif Peanut Butter
(What's called an attention grabber title…. You all, internally, were like grossssss! Tell me more! It's a sad commentary on what mainstream media news sources like T.W.C have become. Inciting fear and striking at your emotional nerve center for a few more views. Like what are these journalism majors thinking?)
Let's just break this down very simply and say for story's sake Enbridge, the Evil Candian eh oil company, is Dean and Minessota is Rory. Bear with me here. Now Dean and Rory dating, take one, is their Line 3 pipeline which was minorly successful for Rory’s economy, job sector, take revenue, and such. There was a brand new relationship pipeline and besides the tiny issue with the whole ton of carbon being released into the atmosphere by their refineries they were doing fine. But inevitably Dean showed his true jealous scary possessive self and leaked of crude oil “An estimated total of 5.7 million gallons of cride oil spilled between 1971 and 1992 from minnesotas section of line as reported by the Minnesota Pulltion Control Agency” (gug I hate citing… Wiki, 2020). He polluted watersheds, rivers, and killed little cute bunnies. So Rory is beginning to think this whole Dean thing isn’t a great idea and then bam!…… Dean take 3!!!! Dean yet he still wants to build another pipeline… this time he's married…. And he builds his new pipeline relationship through protected wetlands, and the Anishaabe tribal land which is protected by a crappy treaty U.S and the tribes signed in the 1800’s.
Rory is not in a good place and continues to courting dean take 4. Enter Jess = Joel. The man with the van, Jess, joins in protests to stop Enbridge (dun dun dun) from building and destroying protected land. For his efforts Jess landed in what the Minnesotans call "jail" and was force-fed something 99% high fructose corn syrup called Jif peanut butter for his efforts. All he wants is for Rory to honor her commitment to go back to Yale and go learn something about climate change, and the U.S Clean Water Act. And don’t even get me started on Logan….. (Mom D.'s fav).
Rumors
4 words: Keturah, Ezra, Fireworks tent
Sure we all know where Micah is, but where’s Jo?
Grace is on a ship?!
Jo just finished her dissertation, an analytical assessment of classical board game enthusiasts
Isalise is moving to Georgia...and they're traveling by map!
Elaurora has reported seeing and extremely intelligent man with a van living down by the river and I quote “living out his lifelong dream”
Hemo-chromatosis...the new black
Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet!
