The Weekly Comet 78 (comments and criticisms welcome)

There's just a little more rain in the air than usual. Between the cold northern wind and  one very disoriented Craigslist Santa shouting at the top of his lungs, this time of year just *screams* Christmas. And, when the LKS's "advanced interrogation techniques" are applied, Christmas screams "The Weekly Comet Update Spectacular! Okay, I said it. Please. Please let me go. I'm not even the real santa, It was just a Craigslist ad!" ... 

Without further ado, here are this year(s)'s updates!

Keturah

If you think there's something extra bubbly about the social internet this month, you're right. After a long-fought battle with local regulators over the responsibilities of service providers to police hate-speach and fashion disasters on their sites, Keturah turning twelve, and compromises on both-sides of the aisle, Mom D. and Dad D. have finally let Keturah join the ranks of Facebook and Instragram. A formal letter of apology is in the works. 
Rumor also has it Keturah D. went to Disneyland and Universal Studios in early March, 2020. Immediately afterward, both tourist destinations closed their gates indefinitely. When interviewed, spokesmen for the Disney franchise stated they could neither confirm nor deny the influence Keturah D. had on this decision.
When TWC caught up with Keturah D on the set of her YouTube reality show,  Menagerie: My Quarantined Life with 7 Siblings, 5 Pets and a Porta-Potty. Ms. DeVyldere was going through withdrawal from her normal social whirl and decided to take matters in her own hands to create what has become the most popular reality show in recent memory. “I needed to make new friends,” said the social negotiation expert, “and this was the only way I could do it.” Critics have called her show “daring and controversial,” as well as “ the closest you’ll ever get to living in a musical.”

Ezra

Ezra D. (or “EJ the Great” as he is now called) has spent most of the year reaching up to touch the ceiling, picking up his sisters and looking down on the rest of the world. The ancient prophecy is beginning to come true. Ezra has grown six inches in 2020, surpassing seven of his sisters and both sisters in-law, plus his mother and one brother. His business forecast calls for record growth in the next quarter, with still more rapid increase to come throughout 2021. When asked about his astounding success, Ezra modestly replied, “I’m just better at this than my competitors.” He indeicated to TWC reporters that he won’t let up until he has crushed (er… that is, surpassed in height) all sibling and parental competition. In other news, Ezra also discovered the thrill of competition in Cross Country running this Fall. 

Who was the first child with their own room? Historians tell is it was probably Isaiah. Then there was Jerusha for a while, briefly succeeded by the Han(nah) dynasty of 2011. But now, the undisputed champion of having his own room has given us the interview of the decade.
"I go to sleep on my terms," said an exuberant Ezra D., fresh off 8 hours of uninterupted sleep while cuddling with two cuddly cats and a local wildebeast. "It's crazy to think that, not so many years ago, people in this room woke up in the night to punch other people who were snoring."

Jewel

Jewel D made history this year by being chosen in a school-wide play encompassing the complete works of Shakespeare. Not only is she getting to play a character who can see, she will also be one of the first DeVylderes on the big screen. In fact Jewel has spent all year on the screen, as she came home for Spring Break last March and never returned. In lieu of sports such as soccer and basketball, Jewel has taken up competitive leaf slinging and repetitive ukulele strumming. She has also been practicing for the ½ of the Encore Duet Victory Singers with sister Sarah D.

Sarah

Get ready to jog in place along with us, as we journey in to the seemingly limitless muscle and musical tone Sarah D. is constantly throwing off.
Sarah Sue (Michelle) DeVyldere,or “Sara Beara” of the famed law firm, “Sarah Sue You!" and creator of the fast-growing game, “How Long After The Parents Leave For A Trip Will Sarah Get Hospitalized?” has had an exhilarating year, given that she is only 16 and already has a boyfriend/window washer. She’s a smart kid, really, but somehow Sarah got a C in choir. The sources of how this happened have not been revealed, but we have heard Rachel D say that the grade reports are quote “Too easy to copy.” She went on to say she had nothing to do with Sarah’s sudden grade drop. Some say Sarah’s cat, Lyric Symphony DeVyldere, is  a “twerp,” the explanation for this name calling being he quote “hits you in the face in the middle of the night,” which Sarah defends by saying, “That’s just his way of telling you he wants to cuddle.” You’re most likely familiar with Sarah’s extreme sports ability. She has played Volleyball, Soccer, Basketball, DeVyldere Ball, Trampoline Soccer, Raft Volleyball, Tennis, Rollerblade Tennis, Racketball, Ice Skating, Football, Aggressive Hammocking, and last but not least, competitive dance. (not officially competitive, she just makes it intense.) Sarah’s Two Bean Chill(i)!

Faith

Parting is such sweet sorrow, and it is with a heavy heart that we inform you that Faith has broken up with the not-to-be-named school newspaper of her former school. While most TWC staffers saw this coming for a while: the lingering glances, the cryptic texts at 3 am ("u up?" ... "I need you to write a piece about the slow demise of Lime Berry."); TWC is not so much gloating... It's more of a celebratory 3 am run to Lime Berry (update: the chilly and vaccuous Lime Berry parking lot). They had a good run, it just turns out that firing Grace is more important than scholarships or... What's that? She's already applying at WOU?

Leah Faith KkWhilhekmina DeVyldere, Faithy, avid player of “How long will Faith talk in the 3rd person?” has had an interesting approach to the year. She started as a senior and is ending as a freshman. How does that work? On top of that, she landed salutatorian beautifully and gave an amazing speech. She worked 3 jobs a week for part of the year and tackled everything else for the rest! Truly an overachiever. Surely, if you have met Faith, you’ve met her dog Drake Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious DeVyldere. He prefers Drake really. Drake loves people to the moon and back. Even if he hasn’t met you, he’ll jump onto you in joy as if he’s known you all his life. Faith’s High School Musical obsession started when she started hanging with people that go by the names Iannnnnñnññ, Sriracha, Serena, and Jane Knectthedots. The attempts of us to stop this problem, however, made it bigger. We have sadly lost both Sarah and Jewel D to High School Musical. We also lost Grace D, but we no longer acknowledge Grace as TWC staff.

Grace

“Gracie," "DeVyldere," an essential component of Gracie Freeze Tag (why is that even an option?) has had a fascinating year, from adopting an adorable kitten named Chai to discovering a new type of mutated fly species. She has been quote “living it up in quarantine” says her new roommate. The campus police have had multiple complaints about “crazed visitors,” something about two guys on a dorm roof and a band of teenagers singing Harry Styles songs down the streets of the campus. Grace’s cat is a cute and cuddly fur ball rolling in the driveway during the day, but he is a batman that will scratch faster than it takes you to say “I wish I never set foot in the street.” The elusive new roommate, “Jess,” that we can only assume came from the Linfield Works Roommates service, has apparently won grace over the same way you would win over her cat: Food.

Note from the Editor: As you might know, Grace has an Interesting relationship with TWC. There have been times when I've had to take necessary and decisive action regarding her continued employment. However, she is an exceptional writer, and there are times when I feel that we need equally decisive action to bring talented writers like Grace into the TWC fold. What I'm trying to say is, from this point on, I consider her fully part of TWC staff (Unless she tries to edit this, so help me Loyd).

Joy

Joy isn't a sibling. But she is a cousin(s)? And one of her had a Baby! Yeah, so, go checkout that baby. Wait, the other one of her had multiple babies. How many Joys are there now?

Love

Love is good. I've always said so. Not strictly speaking a sibling...

Mercy

... Is also not a sibling. I'm starting to doubt that this "Offical List of De Vyldere Names" we found on Buzzfeed is accurate.

Rachel

While dual-wielding the "you can't be serious" stare and several fluffins with deadly accuracy,  Rachel D spent 2020 undercover in the invigorating world of academia. When TWC reporters daringly intruded in the Ivy-league corner of the sectional she inhabited this year, they were able to momentarily distract her enough for comment on the world-wide pandemic, Rachel replied with characteristic wit and simplicity.

“ What do you mean?” she asked.

“Corona Virus… Covid -19… Quarantine??” reporters prompted. “Ring a bell?"

"Huh. I wondered why everyone else kept using my internet,” commented Rachel as she briefly looked up from her Microbiology text. “Había tanta congestión en internet que no pude hacer la conexión."

TWC also attempted to gain comments on the recent election, but the  only intelligible English response was the possible word patriarchy.

Elijah

This year, before [G]od and both their families, Elijah and Aurora finally took the plunge, and attached a deck to their home in Southtown Corvallis. This semi-freestanding structure gives you most of the dryness of being inside, with many of the benefits of being outside. We interviewed Elijah about this enormous life change, and what it felt like now that it was over.
"Yeah, it's very different than it was before. It still feels weird saying "my deck" instead of "in front of my trailer". I also think people treat us differently now. It definitely feels good to have something I've felt for so long, out there for the world to see."

Elijah and Aurora also got married this summer in a social distanced and surpisingly beautiful affair filled with goats, laughter, and Martinelli's non-alcoholic apple cider. But that hardly matters when you realize they have a deck now.

The LKS have investigated this "whole marriage thing" and have found that it means that Aurora has to be stuck with Elijah and his house painting skills. No further inspection was done, as he had married the LKS contracted safety inspector. The happy couple has had many run-ins with the DeVyldere housees, one of such may have included Benjamin Rist finding a group of freezing teenagers huddling and blocking the streetways outside Elijah’s house.

Aurora

Some of you saw this coming: Aurora is now a De Vyldere (sp?)! Or, is Elijah a McCollum? The jury's still out. (There were mysterious death threats, and the *last* thing you want is a hung jury.) Yes, our very own 'Lij and 'Rora got married, which our editors have learned is what happens when two people love each other so much that they want to share taxable income before [G]od.

Aurora spent the year conducting insurance assessments on houses, kicking butt(s) at various Quiplash games, and vibing with her betas (she also has fish). Not to be outdone, Aurora has also started milling around a surprisingly small enclosed space and staring at the same piece of glass for hours on end. Only, in her case, there is also yelling, frantic thumb maneuvers, and attempts to sabotage Elijah's controller.

Hannah

Back in Berkeley like she never left. Hannah D. has had the household busying with questions like, "Did she really leave? I feel like I still see her all the time." and "Wait, who's sleeping on the floor over there?"
According to inside sources, she's just entering her Pretty Prime. Whatever that is.

The rare Hannah D. has been sighted in Oregon again. Long rumored to be extinct in her native Oregon, Hannah had purportedly migrated to the “Bae Area.” Despite contact and travel between the two regions, no one has been able to coax her back to Oregon permanently, though the vegan cheese and GF DF Apple Bread lure has been successful as the colder weather makes food scarce. Scientists have attempted to study the differences in her behavior in the two distinct habitats, however, she seems to run long distances in one direction, presumably to evade predators, but then reverses and returns to her nest. Occasionally she patrols her territory with her flock. Strangely, Hannah appears to have attempted to adopt one of the researchers. Luke The-Orange-Cat DeVyldere cannot resist snuggling with the subject while investigating her eating and sleeping habits. It is feared that he may never return due to the warm, loving nature of Hannah and fluffy blankets she provides. Hannah has also been seen growing bean sprouts and virtually attending Berzerkeley. 

Micah

One might find themselves wondering what Micah D. has been up to during this fateful 2020 yearship, and one would also be surprised to learn that we're at least 32% sure he is not actually a cart pusher at Winco Foods.

According to a source who claims to be VERY close to the situation, the deceptive Micah D. has been having a rollicking time. He has been spotted: running around in circles, rolling on the ground, playing FETCH with Josh, scratching Josh, hugging Josh, wrestling with Josh, and participating in other exciting activities. Micah has reportedly changed his hair color from grey, to slightly darker grey, and only existed in our plane of existence for three weeks in August this year. (Credit: Josh D.)

When he is not busy making Josh D the happiest dog in the world, Micah has been inhabiting his own space-time continuum called "Germany". In "Germany" Micah D has been doing boring things like going to school, wearing a mask and hanging out with his "totally real girlfriend" who "lives in another country."

According to some reports, Micah has even been caught binge-watching hallmark movies while snuggling on the couch. It is unclear whether M.T. has been trying to lay low this past year, or if he has just been living the perfect alibi. Either way, it seems clear that this newly bearded software biker has been acting weird as of late. As his family, many Devylderes are concerned that Micah D. has contracted a contagious disease. That's right folks, Micah has the L-word.

(This post has been flagged as potentially false by an independent German fact checking team. Check here to see what local authorities have to say about Micah D's romantic prospects: https://www.latlmes.com/breaking/micahdlovesjohanna-1 )

Do you know your D score? Have you always wondered, but never quite known who to consult? Micah and his just-friend Johanna can help! Just take this handy quiz, which probes your outlook for signs of dark personality traits. But wait, there's more! Micah's also been working on ways to test intelligence using web-based pattern recognition tests. Micah's indoor vegetable grow op has surpassed projected yields. Who really needs that many brussel sprouts, anyway? At this point, can you still argue that it's for medical use? Oh, and he's also going to college.

Jerusha

First things first, she's got two adorable cats named Jojo and Lilah. Dad is estatic that he has more cats around, which has been a goal of his for a while now. This year also came with a tearful goodbye, as Jerusha left the Ye Olde Mill, Willamette’s Oldest Flour Mill and Family Portrait Studio, for the proverbial greener pastures of urban farming in North Corvallis. She has several chickens and has an always expanding indoor garden which her kittens help maintain. As a side-hustle, she now works full-time as a teacher specializing in early childhood interventions for learning stuff. As a group who was on the receiving end of a lot of early "childhood interventions" from Jerusha, we are ecstatic by how much she is giving back and helping her community, despite that fact that she's got an lucrative urban farm.

Joel

We can call off the search! Joel has recently been located living in the shed next to Eliroah's sweet deck. Elijah, who uncovered him while searching for some wire-cutters that he had just last week, was as surprised as anyone and twice as happy. Joel quickly put the HP shipping provider he was talking to on hold, saying: "Hey 'lige, I'm working right now. Do you need something?"

** Breaking news ** Joel has moved to South America and befriended all manner of birds and geckos.

** More breaking news ** He's in Texas now... we think.

** Extremely breaking news ** The search is back on. Our last GPS ping on his phone before it ran out of battery was in New Orleans, but this was days ago. The current search area includes half (the warm half) of the continental US and Guam.

Isaiah

Isaiah D., of the famed "religion" is now attending three schools at once (you never really leave LB) while slowly stealing all of their books to add to his collection. After all of this, he has also found time to discuss "theology" with middle schoolers. The LKS has started looking into so-called "the ology" and has come to the conclusion that it is in fact "the ography," something in which they have taken a course. Isaiah is dangerously close to Mastering the study of the aforementioned ¨theology¨ as well, which has moved him to the top of the LKS´ most wanted/most respected list.

Elise

Elise M.D. (A medical doctor), has spent the year perfecting her wreath making skills and attempting to convince elementary schoolers that they aren't on mute when they think they are. Despite the advantages of being able to "accidentally" close a zoom call full of students, Elise has found this year to be a struggle. However, the new year promises to be very different as she quits her job to paddle board around the world while selling glühwein...glue vines? Actually, the LKS has just determined that she's moving to the jungle and gluing vines together with German mulled spiced wine. 

Mom

Mom D, of the famed "D." family, is now entering her third year of Jive Church, has started to branch out to other endeavors like... volleyball? Maybe. I mean, do you know what she does when she's meeting with the ice tea ladies? (Editor's note: these ladies are not made of ice tea, they just drink it) Maybe she does volleyball and she's like super good but too embarrassed to tell her family. Or, she could just be busy keeping 10 kids working with Zoom-based school and attempting to get the 3-4 year olds at church to social distance instead of sticking their fingers in other kids' noses. Hard to say, really. 

Thanks to the freedom information act, we've been able to attain a declassified copy of the LKS's file on her. Many names were redacted, we did our best to fill them in. According to her file, she spends her free time reenacting early 1800s movies and discussing theology with John Wayne, and Isaiah Morgan. Men seem to be the subject of her theological studies as of late, and it remains to be determined whether she is for or against them, and their participation in churches. Aside from theology, she enjoys long walks (and stays) at the beach, and teaching.

Dad

There are those that are born great, and then there are those that have greatness thrust upon them. We were not there at his birth, but we regard Dad D. as the former (with a healthy dose of the latter). Dad recently achieved some greatness by completing 15 years of working at the hospital and taking care of his family. 

At the start of this year, Dad D. had a problem. The number of kittens was projected to rise dramatically after Christmas 2020, and there were not enough bathrooms for these kittens to be gainfully employed as the bathroom attendants they deserved to be. There are those who would have taken the easy way out, promoting alternative education paths, trade schools, and the like. But Dad D. took a different approach, and is in the process adding 3-4 new bathrooms to the house for meet demand.

Tree Master

There are those that are born great, and others that talk about themselves in the third person. Though no one knows quite where the Tree Master came from, he comes around every Christmas, and unlike Santa Claus, he isn't dead. He can be seen on Christmas Eve, wandering the house in search of boxes and rearranging the furniture, shuffling things under the tree until no one knows where any of their gifts are, and scolding children for not having finished preparing for Christmas last year. 

Grandma D.

Grandma D. has been busy quilting and going to the coast. While telling all of her grandchildren about skipping out on her wedding reception and "not being rude" as the way the get a spouse has sparked some changes in overall behavior, many people do not agree that one needs to be disrespectful in order to avoid matrimony, simply not trying to get married should do the trick. Others, however, are taking Grandma D.'s wisdom to heart, and, err..., running with it.

The LKS, fearing the band could split up (and running out of pies for Midnites reunion tours), has imposed a moratorium on dating or other suspicious activities. In support of their counter-matrimonial efforts, Grandma D. has volunteered to tell Diego the news, after he washes her windows. Grandma D. has also adopted a new kitten, and rumor has it that she has been seen cuddling and talking to "Stripes." Apparently, our behavior in relation to animals is genetic, and not entirely Dad's fault. 

Grandpa John

As a longtime resident of the North Corvallis Chicken Husbandry Outfit, Grandpa John thought he had seen it all. But that all changed when the plucky young girl, with a can-do spirit, and dreams of becoming an urban farmer, moved in. Commence the classic story of scavenged apples from the the neighbor's orchard vs. store-bought kombucha. The hard work, perseverance, and the heart that makes everything worth doing.

Rumor Column

• All border control agents will be deported to Iceland next year
• Elijah is pregnant, Aurora's the father
• Everyone is getting a kitten (a new one every single day!).
• Faith shares (dominates) a Birthday with Joel...
• Keturah's new clothing line "Soon I'll Be 21" is launching this spring.
• Ezra's mustache is actually made of cat hair, and he purs if your pet it... Or, alternatively, it purs if you pet him. Clearly, more research is needed.
• Joel's guitar has launched its solo career, breaking off from the very fake band The Reals Seals to initiate its own understated effort "The Pawn Shop Blues".
• Calling all gardeners, possibly due to certain long-term hygienic construction projects in the household, the strawberry patch is mysteriously fertile ground again.
• Keturah has been seen preparing for her angst stage by listening to switchfoot and Relient K
• JoJo locked his sister in a cupboard 
• Ezra ripped the brick off the table with his bare hands
• The Tree Master went to sleep before midnight
• Jet is currently unemployed
• Beau and Boxinetta are dating 
• Rachel, Beau is spelled BO! short for Box....
• ..and Faith shares a Birthday with Joel!
• Allegedly, Keturah struggles with the definition of unconfirmed happenings

The Ballad of BO and Boxinetta

Chapter 1

Boxinetta was an messy roommate, but a nice roommate to have around.
For four score and three weeks, allegedly Faith D. and Sarah D. unwittingly gained a new roommate when Boxinetta mysteriously appeared in their room. Its unclear where she came from.

 
Chapter 2: The big city fancy present box: BO 

Enter BO, a present refugee hiding from mom until the time of his crowning moment (the Climax event where everyone is dressed up) enters casa la Saraith. Although, they are total opposites in every way, including being located on the opposite sides of the room. Over time, they grow closer together physically and emotionally. 

Chapter 3: Terminal Illness Romance (we're trying for the tween crowd) 

After a particularly harrowing episode of intense staring where Boxinetta fell while walking (typical because of her lack of legs) and B0 caught her. Upon catching her Bo realized she wasn't a terminally ill gift like him who's schedule for execution this Christmas. 

Chapter 4: Climax 
Bo dresses up in wrapping paper suit leaves for the big city (5 push ups) to the Christmas tree ball and see his ex girlfriend/boss there. 

Resultion?

Stay tune for a resolution at the loooong awaited Christmas Tree Ball. Will Boxinetta show up? Whats inside of Bo? Why is this so riveting?Will faith and Sarah finally talk about their creative laundry pile differences? 

Wanted Ads    

Wanted Roommate, preferable one with square edges, who's cool being the third blame wheel in their roommates clothing pile disputes. - Sarah and Faith 

Wanted Love, and.... affection forever.... oh and pets, and belly rubs, and wrestles, and Micah sized boxes.... - Joshua D.

Wanted Bathroom attendant position. A young, well dressed, hard worker is in search of a job as a bathroom attendant. Five years previous experience. Always has a dark fluffy towel and some nice words to say for you. Will work for room, board and printers. Indoor heating and accessible catacombs are a must. No pets please. My last job went under due to the pandemic...and the fact that there was no longer a bathroom to attend to. I currently have a part time gig staring people down as they attempt to use their parents' bathroom, but am looking for something more permanent and feasible. I am willing to travel despite the trauma of being kidnapped in the back of a car as a child. I always wear a tux to work and can be very demanding or aloof, depending on my preferences, creating the perfect bathroom environment. 

Neural Network Accuracy Declines Due to........ Jet?

We’ve all heard of how neural networks have used data mined from YouTube and social media to be able to very accurately identify cats. However, this approach has recently led to a decrease in accuracy. Now, the network can correctly identify 95% of cats, but it also identifies 20% of dark couches as cats as well. “Someone sat on me again,” a favorite phrase of Jet after he angsts out and shows his dark side while sleeping on furniture as dark as his soul... and his fur, sheds some "light" on what exactly did happen. A sample used to teach the neural net was corrupted with many photos of an apparently empty couch. It seems that images of Jet being angsty were labeled as having a cat in them, but due to the living room’s poor lighting, he appeared, as many a tired school child had discovered in the early morning, to be not there. However, the network, unlike the innocent schoolgoers, was not awakened to the problem by a growl and the terrifying feeling that they just sat on something half alive half couch. Researchers are attempting to fix the problem with new data images, but in doing so have inadvertently added the Uphy-sock basket confusion into the mix, further confusing the network. They hope to resolve both the problems by the end of 2020. Of course, the fact that 2020 may never end gives them hope of meeting their goal. But in the meantime, if you're a couch or sockbasket there's a decent chance that you'll be have a computer saying, "here kitty, kitty!"

Christmas Morning - 6 a.m.

All through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a chicken! Then, Crash! Bang! Thud! Thud, thud... Ezra D. a long time, too-tall-to-walk-down-the-stairs-while-tired club member, encountered a new obstacle between him and Josh. The sound of metal being torn from wood accompanied his surprise as he ...walked straight into a door? Something had changed...or he had grown again...? No one knows which. When asked about the incident, Ezra D. responded, "I went to push the door out of the way when it started to fight back, but I won! Ripped the screws straight from the wall." It just goes to show that if you treat someone, or something, like a doormat...err.. door?... then it will eventually fight back with force. In parting, Ezra D. commented on what he had learned from the ordeal, "Prepare yourselves for inanimate objects to attack! It'll be especially difficult when vending machines throw off the yokes of humanity."

That's it! Thanks for reading!