The Weekly Comet 77 (comments and criticisms welcome)
Politics: They're Coming For You
Voting season is upon us! And let's be honest, we're not exactly sure 100% certain where everyone stands on the issues. The number of pigeons allowed on Tangent properties is such a highly devisive issue that to keep from ruffling an too many feathers, we can't publicly endorse or renounce it. We understand you We must refrain from commenting on the unconstitutional and restrictive policy that is taking away our basic human right to have more than 12 loving, checker-playing companions named Bernice.
In other news, since campaign finance reform in the De-Vyldere household, elections have been completely unregulated. The L.K.S P.A.C have been having a field day, financing stunt bears armed with machine guns, and what can only be described as an "anti-Santa Claus". He has been seen roaming the streets, telling people to vote for Jill Stein or "I'll vomit more milk and cookies." We should not that when we say "streets", we mean just "the block", because roughly 75% of Tangent voters live on that block. It's one of the issues...
Another important development of this political season is the severe lack of qualified candidates for Tangent officials. Due to this development, Dad D. has unofficially been added to the race, preceding his consent. Dad D.'s slogan: a vote for Dad D. is a vote for 13 pigeons. Drake D. is also in the running, as he's pretty fast when he wants to be. Also, he is a strong advocate of pigeons, so he could prove favorable with this demographic.
All we really know about this upcoming election is that it will be intense, (actually, it would be intense with or without these other issues, purely because of all the bears). Rest assured, our T.W.C staff will keep our audience more or less up to date while remaining completely partial on all of these developments.
If there is one thing we could impart to voters during this tumultuous time, it's this: Please, don't fear the far right, I know they may seem scary, but science has proven that you're just as likely to be pulled off the couch by your siblings on the far left of the couch as the far right. Really, there's no difference. It's strange that we're even having to clarify this.
Runnin' From Bears...in an XC Course
Ezra and Keturah have anonymously gone missing on multiple occasions. Every week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday despite our best efforts of tying them down. Sometimes they even disappear on Saturdays, the most relaxing days of the week! We believed this to be the L.K.S’s doing and we had multiple disguised reporters go in and find out what really was the sitch. They found that the mysterious COVID has shut down the training for “safety” reasons. But the run efforts still run on! The leader of the LKS Sarah DeVyldere has had a run-in with the two kids and she has them running out of the public ‘cross country’ system. Ezra and Keturah were interviewed by many reporters and have responded with, “It was painful but worth the friendships made in the process.” Two Ezra’s were proposed, and Jerusha’s new bestie’s daughter. The proud faces of many siblings in the crowds and the children's appreciations are still in the air nowadays. They want to thank you all for coming, you know who you are.
News Flash
Mawwaige is what brought us together in August!!!
In August Elaura jumped a broomstick while holding hands and hitched their way to eternal commitment It was a happy occasion, which only could have been improved upon with the presence of cool ranch dorritos says Aurora, a close confidant of the bride. I just want to take this minute to take partial/total credit for the success of this relationship and say congratulations to the college works couple. So, from all the upaid interns at the T.W.C congratulations! That was the best free food we had in a long time. Also, we know that none of it would be possible without the couple naming skills of this semi-reputable newspaper. You guys could have been named Aulijaha. Yuck!
Welcome to the Fam Aurora! (We called it!)
Skarlotos
He’s faster than a speeding Parisian train, on the top of the L.K.S most wanted list (they’ll turn him if he wins), an actor, a sniper, a terrorist foiler (raps them in foil), and not too disgusting to look at according to unnamed sources on signal (Micah and/or Joel). Who is this semi-conservative wonder you ask? He’s Alex Skarrrrlatoos, running for Oregon’s senate seat against the stand-up comedian from the muppets. We don’t know about y’all, but we’d vote for the dude in a Studebaker.
Rumor Column
Spotted at Alegiant Airlines: Hannah DeVanhuesen back in town! SOSOS
_ _ _ . . . . _ _ _
Upon Alex Skorlotataa’s imminent victory he will dedicate his win by renaming Oregon to Sarah.
Alex Skaluttos once took the timer away from Sarah during a game of Encore…..
Alex Skarlottas once took thirteen pigeons to a public park in Tangent!
When Alex Skarlatos does a push up, he’s not pushing himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.
Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep at night, he checks under the bed for Alex Skarlotos.
The film Alex Skarlotas was in was rated fresh on Sarah’s new film rating system for lead actor hotness, Fresh Strawberries.
Leaked! Linfield College has contemplated settling out of court in a high profile case involving the discovery of a rare black mold found in fruit flies by a student researcher.
Rachel has taken to training a tiny army of bilingual spanish speaking children who will only answer open ended questions.
(Note to the editor: Faith!!!!! don’t change his name spelling, I did it wrong Ironically!! Also because I didn’t want to look it up)
Local Tree Discovered To Have Arms & Legs
A few weeks ago young botanist Keturah D. discovered an unusually lanky tree hanging out in the house. She said it wasn't clear what drew her to this specific tree but, "it had its branches out stretched. Almost like it was trying to give me a hug that I would probably have to fight to get out of." Shortly after her discovery of the tree, she started tracking its growth, and the tree quickly grew maturing into a tall gangly thing with uncontrollable limbs. It now measures nearly 5'10" and is showing no signs of slowing. But that's not all she discovered. In a first of its kind discovery, Keturah D. found that this tree has arms and legs. The tree even itself stating: "I can waaalk!!!" while stiffly shuffling around the house.
While few and far between, there have been other plants discovered to have arms and legs. One documentary released in the late 1990's, revealed the discovery of a bush with arms and legs, a so-called "man-bush". However, this is the first documented case a of a "man-tree", and has wide ranging scientific implications.
Keturah who has fondly nick-named this tree "Ezra", has stated that she, "would really like you to stop asking me about him. Boys are dumb." However, she also noted that due to his quick growth, this tree may struggle to adapt household culture more than other anthropomorphic plant-life. "You're going to start seeing things like: he'll go to hug you, but he'll go under, even though he's a full foot and a half taller than you."
The Chiropractic Household Sociation, (CHS) led by Sarah D., has put out a memo warning the public that hugging this tree could cause spinal issues and that: "I can only step on so many backs at once. Somebody please tell him to starting going over when hugging."
Concerns over what this rapid growth if left unchecked could do to the household, and the the cereal cabinet, has sharply divided the public over their own celebrity tree. In a meeting of the joint ice-tea councils, the topic of "Ezra" came up, with Leah D. telling Aunt J. that she might just have to look in the Women's' section at Target for pants that fit him.
While this is not something we usually do, we'd like to take an editorial stance for the record: Ezra may be an odd tree, but he's a nice tree to have around.
