The Weekly Comet 71 (comments and criticisms welcome)
Hello! And welcome to the spring edition of The Weekly Comet! That's right, we're a quarterly now. This quarter, anyway.There's a buzzing in the air... and I'm not just talking about the LKS's new-found drone—It's spring time and it's magical; full of hard hitting reporting, subtle rumors, and rain. Mostly rain.For this edition we also wanted to give you "real-time" updates of siblings as they check in with the hottest new social media platform - Keturah's email.
"They're putting make-up on men in there."
Inside North Corvallis' J. Goat Industries
If you know anything about the amateur goat farming scene in North Corvallis, you'll have undoubtedly heard of J. Goat Industries. Idolized by those around her for her intuitive knowledge of goats' wants and desires—Jerusha has stacked up quite a online following. However, this has also led to widespread, if under developed criticisms of her operation. In an anonymous email to Keturah last month, SuperLater008 went as far as to claim that she was treating the goats like people: "knitting little hats for them and everything." It shouldn't be controversial to say, there any many goat farmers, but none of them are as polarizing or prolific as Corvallis' own Jerusha D.In effort to get you the truth, last February, we sent in two undercover TWC reporters to J. Goat Industries, equipped with cameras, and realistic goat costumes. What we found was shocking—goats we're given all the sushi they desired, complementary Kombucha, yoga lessons, true crime dramas, and even had access to an on premise hot tub.While they were sworn to check-in once a day, that soon became difficult. Two weeks in, it was apparent that our agents were compromised. By the time word came down to get them out, it was already too late for one of our brave reporters: brainwashed he decided to "keep on this goat thing". RIP Goatie Goat McGoaterson. You will be missed.The reports we received paint a bleak picture of a luxurious, anti-competitive, goat-centric, organization bent on taking over the tri-state area! However, in response to our allegations , Tessy Tess tess tESS, a spokesperson for J. Goat Industries, maintained that their goats are "treated like normal barn animals, just like in every other goat farm out there."
Your relationship is not official, until it's official on Keturah's Email
What is the hottest social platform for connecting with others? Snapchat? Nope. Instagram? Bleh. Foursquare? PUHLLEASEKeturah's email, the new social platform aimed at keeping the family connected and dishing on fashion advice, is so hot, it will have you scrambling for oven mitts. It so simple yet so effective - Creating an "account" is as simple as starting a conversation with Keturah over email. Once started, Keturah's emails provide instant* access to the latest happenings in the DeVyldere household. * instant (give or take a couple days)"It's great!" said Hannah D. a Keturah's email enthusiast and early adopter. "Keturah keeps me informed of all the latest in the household and will even send recipes, and pictures.""I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner! Not only is Keturah able to keep me informed but she conversely informs the Oregon household of my life without all the hassle of me actually calling the home phone and being passed around. ~ Micah D. In compliance GDPR and other data protection acts, your usage of the "app" is completely private: the only people who can access your data is you, and Keturah... and, presumably, anyone with Keturah's password... or anyone that can distract Keturah and take her laptop... (also probably Paisley).
Soccer Track—in full spring
New sport or troubling youth epidemic? You decide
There's a new activity tempting our tri-city area youth this spring: Soccer Track. The simple seductive rules are luring in children by the dozens a watch-dog group reported. (No idea why they were watching that dog though)Rules:
<insert picture of Ezra covered in mud here>
How Keturah D. Could Win The 2020 Democratic Primary
Joining and already crowded primary field. Keturah D. announced her intention to run for President last Saturday to packed van full of Soccer Track players.
"There's been a lot of posturing in the last three years about what is wrong with the household: But today I see a bright future for all of us here from Creek to Shining Hedge.I see a future......where skirts aren't just tolerated, but encouraged all year long—regardless of gender....where Rachel drops out of OSU to allow more equal access to the nations malls for the our undeserved and driver-license-less citizens....where you no longer have to clean your room, not just because Faith should do it for me, but because our time is important—and everyone needs a little help now and again.There are people today, in 2019, who still do not have an Instagram account. And I'm not talking about babies; I'm talking about fully grown 10 year olds. I see a future where everyone knows who I'm wearing, because they can check it on Insta.This is more than a campaign, this is movement.No matter how old you are, I will always fight for the rights and privileges of those younger than you."
On it's face, it seems like a lot of other early bids we've seen; but I think there are a few reasons this one stands out:1) People are ready for change, Keturah has a track record of being differentIt's been four long months since our last general election. The recent dairy crises has put people on edge. Consumer confidence as fallen to a three-year low, with > 60% of respondents in a new poll stating that they didn't think the Government was doing enough to bring sorbet into the household.Keturah's bold pro-consumer stance is polling well in areas typically overlooked by more leftward leaning candidates. If you look at her long-time pledge to support bringing a Lime-Berry to Tangent, I think you have something that even the most blue-collar conservative can get behind. <picture of Ezra here>2) Her social media game is on pointYou may have noticed that she spent a lot of time pointing out that she's been severely limited in her social media out-reach. However, few candidates have a whole captive social media app. In fact, for those in the "in crowd" Keturah's email is the #1 way they report getting their news and gossip.3) Keturah is young face in an aging political landscapeWe've talked a lot in the past about how the age of the average candidate has trended upward over time, mostly tracking with longevity increases in the general population. However, the average voter age has stagnated recently, leaving a large section of incoming voters feeling under-represented. Clocking in at just-10-years-old-last-Decemeber, Keturah definitely fills that demographic. This can be seen in her grass roots campaign, with Ezra, Jewel, and others mowing the lawn— promising their votes if she helps them clean up the grass clippings.
Micah and Johanna still Friends
A new source reports from Ulm, Germany.
Upon arrival to the quintessential southern German city our intrepid reported, Hannah D., found only sheep. After some map consultation, listening to some rapid-fire German, and re-boarding a train she finally arrived in the city of Ulm. Contrary to her first impression, Ulm is in fact a city with buildings, trams, people, castles, and your run-of-the-mill water mills. After locating Micah D. and being shown the city's bike-paths, cheap grocery store, and public transportation (in that order), Hannah D. was surprised to see the shorter, prettier friend to Micah D standing behind him. Johanna Hartung from the famous "Ohana means family. Johanna means JUST FRIENDS." Snapchat, is indeed still in a friendship with Micah D. When asked about how the friendship was going Johanna promptly replied "Micah, put me DOWN!" It appears that the friendship may be deeper than we previously thought despite Micah D.'s instance that he spends a significant amount of time holding hands with all his friends.
Dad D. Takes Over 3+ Hospitals in Exciting Power Bid
The last four months have been a whirlwind of excitement in the Good Samaritan Regional Mission Control (GRSMC). In a shrewd business move, Dad D. has been appointed as a regional administrator in the In-Patient Pharmacies of 3 -10 Good Samaritan Meditation Committees. That's right, Dad D. is now a regional manager and has an open position for an assistant (assistant to the regional manager). Eligible applicants should turn in cover letters and C.V.'s to the LKS's Temporary Employment office.
The LK.S. Temp Office — We believe we can succeed! First established in 2018 under the name "LKS Free!", the office was renamed when second-in-command, Jewel D., realized that their motto misspelled "secede". When asked how they felt about handling the hiring of such an important position they stated: "We don't have an office here anymore. It was only temporary." In his new position Dad D. continues to work hard keeping the whole of the Good Samaritan Regional Medical Container running smoothly. He's now in charge of more impatient-pharmacies (I guess inpatients are a virtue) and has had to take many trips to Newport, Albany and Lebanon. Rumor has it that a charming blonde has been accompanying Dad D. on these trips. The LKS have provided us with a picture of a blonde they believe to be the suspect (see below). With this new promotion Dad D. is doing the job of at least 4 people (and 6-7 mule deer) and handling it really well. When asked about the promotion Dad D. said* "It's been a growing experience. There's a pretty steep learning curve on some of this; but I'm just doing my best and trying to know my limits." I think I speak for all of us DeVylderes when I say Dad D. is truly an inspiration and we love him.
* The views expressed in this interview do not reflect the views of Dad D. as we definitely didn't interview him.
Joel lost in Mexico (left heart in Scandinavia) (right heart in Rivas)
The year was 2019. On a sleepy little street in the heart of the coolest college town west of the Willamette, north of Eugene and south of Portland, a cherry-blossom apartment was having a party to remember. Joel D.'s "Last Night in my Dark Apartment" party was in full swing with Elijah D., Jerusha D., Benny R. , Aurora M., and many more checking in via Keturah's social emailing platform to the light-lacking celebration. It was here that Joel announced to his friends and family who had called in from across the country that he was moving to Spain. A sigh of relief rippled through the crowd as many expressed their previous thoughts that Joel was giving up his apartment so he could live on the Corvallis railroad tracks, again. With this news the party was bumped up to an 11 with one person even asking "Shouldn't we turn on the lights in the living room?"Joel D. has moved to Barcelona, Spain for a month (or more) to teach / learn English / Spanish / Take Siestas / Eat Paella. When asked whether his travel choices are primarily informed by his cravings for food not as easily obtained in his "home" town of Corvallis Joel replied "No hablo inglés." Due to lack of communication with Joel D. since the move, there is a lot we can't tell you about what he's doing. We can tell you that he's wearing boots of leather, and pretend dancing in the street with two left feet and a bottle of wine (sources: Sheeran, E. "Barcelona." 2017, Ezra, G. "Barcelona." 2014.). For more on his Spain(ish) adventure, call Joel or navigate to Keturah's email and type in "What is Joel up to?" (accuracy of replies may vary).
Rumor Column
- South Albany High School is set to run experiments on students, calling it "mental health training"
- Faith D. has contracted smitten disease from contaminated dates (characterized by uncontrollable blushing and occasional giggles).
- The classic Albany restaurant Novak's is now serving barbecue (the LKS claim no responsibility).
- Isaiah and Elise are looking to expand their bookstore chain, "Big Heavy Books and Old-Timey CDs", to two new bookshelves in the next year.
- Jewel has been seen avoiding some (but not all) walls. Some are insinuating her sudden "blindness" was just a publicity stunt.
- Albany's budget crises has forced the LKS to take over part of local Emergency Services. Expect 9-1-1 to be a lot more exciting this season.
- Lee Enterprises publishes 46 daily newspapers in 21 states including the Albany Democrat-Herald and the Corvallis Gazette Times.
- Mom D. is planning the up-and-coming Soccer Bible Camp (yes, yes, we haven't called it than in years, it's just such an endearing memory).
- Oregon Powder Coating is attempting to add a new location in Tangent, pending approval from the Tangent City Council.
- Rachel was caught hanging-ten in San Diego surf while on business trip to for JAR: University Edition.
Water Falling From The Sky: Please Send Help
Residents of Linn and Benton counties were up for a rude awakening when, seemingly out of nowhere, millions of tiny water droplets started descending from above. Concerned residents were quickly put at ease by thoroughly dubious LKS reports - "Okey dokey". Upon further investigation, these reports only assessed the imminent threat to the gluten-free pancake supply chain.
Many people stayed, even attempting to continue their daily lives; working, shopping, eating, workshopping eating—As if this all wasn't a sign that the end times were upon us. Tragically, as hours turned to days, infrastructure began to break down. Roads flooded, schools were closed. Houses scheduled to be painted were not painted.
"The water was everywhere." - Elijah D., frantically bailing out his hot tub.
Search and rescue teams were dispatched to search flooded homes for survivors, but struggled as water-from-the-sky filled their boats. Highway 34 was shut down. The tri-state area fell into an all-out state of emergency. However, after six days, in what can only be described as a gift from God, it all stopped.
Little is know about how weather works. It is, perhaps, one of the great mysteries of our time--akin to how Mom knows the TV is on when she isn't even home; or where babies come from... or how Mom knows where babies come from, while the rest of us can only guess (pending results of an ongoing LKS investigation). The hard truth is we may never know what caused the moisture to hurl itself earthward. There is only loss, fear, and a determination to rebuild.
That's it! Thanks for reading!
😲 AM I MOM NOW? IS THIS WHAT BEING AN EDITOR FEELS LIKE?
