The Weekly Comet 70 (comments and criticisms welcome)

Welcome, to our 70th issue, and Christmas Update Spectacular! That's right, just like Santa Claus, you can't keep The Weekly Comet from breaking into your house, stealing your cookies, gift wrapping five or six used retainers, and leaving you wanting more.

So much has happened during that last year that the editorial staff has had trouble finding the time to record the few things that haven't happened  (but we persist, for personal reasons). We could not be more proud to have such an amazing readership to follow along as we discover together the true meaning of Christmas: nerf gun fights.

An Update

Keturah

—A name so feared thought the Tri-state area, no one in their right mind would dare cross this distinguished officer of the fashion police. However, fashion is always changing and so is Keturah. This year she has started playing soccer and entered the 4th grade. A new position has also been rumored to soon be awarded to Keturah: reporter for the T.W.C (gasp.)

Ezra

This pre-teen kicked it up a notch this year when he announced a third-quarter IPO for Ezra's Garage Sale (EZGR). Markets were quick to react, with Amazon (AMZN) falling 2% during early trading, but rebounding before close, as speculation came out that Ezra would be unable to follow through on his promise of free shipping for everyone in the house, even if they lock their rooms. Is he just "Musking it up"? With no clear path to profitability, Ezra certainly faces an uphill battle convincing consumers that he can be trusted with their data after video footage leaked that clearly shows him giving Jewel's number to the neighbor boys.

Ezra's also busied himself with sports and school, but mostly just to diversify his portfolio.

Jewel

Tragically, Jewel lost her eyesight this year in a freak accident involving eating cookie dough straight out of the bowl (Oprah warned us!). Although she wouldn't tell us exactly what happened, she did tell us "There wasn't an accident! I already told you, I was just acting." To add insult to injury she was locked in Corvallis High School Auditorium for hours on end, and forced to wander around the stage. While that was truly horrible, Jewel and friends still made the most of it, even staging a thrilling production of The Miracle Worker: The Helen Keller Story.

When we asked Jewel how she was adjusting to life as a disabled person she diverted saying, "You're not even listening to me!"

Sarah

The Weekly Comet sat down with Sarah a couple of weeks ago to talk about what this year has been like, what she plans for the future, and why she never stops never stopping. If you don't know, this year Sarah has been doing double duty as a pop/sports superstar. This year she released several successful singles, including "Waffles" which was a top seller on Ezra's Garage Sale (EZGR) for eight weeks running. Sarah also made varsity soccer at South Albany High School this fall as a freshman and is currently playing JV2 basketball.

TWC:     "Sarah, just going over all of this makes me dizzy. How did you get so good at so many things?"

Sarah:             "What, are you interviewing me? I thought you wanted to talk about presents for Grace."

TWC:     "Oh, we're not getting Grace anything this year. Yeah, that was just a myth."

Sarah:             "...myth?"

Rachel: “Yes?”

Faith

Faith is doing fine.

“Print journalism is dead,” she said, casually shoveling loose dirt into a shallow grave while simultaneously writing a press release on the LKS's questionably legal nuclear program and Skyping with an anonymous source.

George

George is doing well, despite persistent rumors that we accidentally left him at church six years ago, never to be seen again. Some are hopeful that we might still find him, along with the 100+ long lost Julies...or not.

Grace

Only native to the Pacific Northwest, the elusive Grace is a shy creature. Largely seen around Linfield College in McMinnville, several confirmed sightings have been made as far away as Life Church in Salem. Also notable about the species: 2018 was the first time we received reports of migration to Mexico. While Mexico is a far cry from the Grace's natural habitat, many have speculated that she could easily be considered an invasive species if given opportunity and some Spanish lessons from Rachel.

Rachel

Pivoting from the massively successful syndicated television show "JAR: Just Ask Rachel." Rachel has opted to continue attending Oregon State University this year, where she is a sophomore majoring in biology and minoring in Spanish. Broadcasting executives are said to be in talks to create a college-themed spinoff. Unbeknownst to Rachel at the time, a short 45 minute pilot was filmed this fall with hidden cameras trained on Rachel and several other new cast members. When she asked about the pilot later she dropped hints that the new season might already be picked up, stating, "Yeah, friends keep asking me questions. But I think it's mostly because they don't pay attention in class."

Elijah

The living embodiment of “Yes we can!”, Elijah continues to be a force to be reckoned with in the competition for "fastest driving DeVyldere." As of this year, doctors have confirmed Elijah's blood is 58 percent Emerald Exterior Acrylic Latex Paint. Further imaging revealed that his heart would have stopped by now, except for a makeshift pacemaker made entirely of modified Christmas light timers and gumption. This became the subject of mountains of peer reviewed research on the questions: "Why would anyone do this to themselves?" and "What happens when a bulb goes out?"

Elijah is also killing it in the (legal?) AirBnB business, rocking a 4.5 average rating. Rumor has it, he might even have a girlfriend, or a hot tub.

Micah

The question gripping the minds of the U.S. lately is "What happened to Joel's Campaign Manager?" Joel's now infamous campaign of "Free Gauc for Everyone, Even their Dogs" was largely organized by wiz-kid Micah D. But since Joel's landslide defeat the world has been left to wonder, what happened to this rising star? While Micah wasn't willing to go on the record or talk about the campaign, we were able to confirm that he has given up on politics and is now working as a program manager for a local news station. He continues to work remotely as a WinCo cart pusher from Germany with his, "JUST FRIEND” Johanna.

Hannah

The Hannah is a person in the standard model of physics, produced by the quantum excitation of the Linn Field, one of the fields in particle physics theory. She is named after physicist Peter Hannah, who in 1964, along with five other scientists, proposed the mechanism, which suggested the existence of such a person. Her existence was confirmed by the ATLAS and CMS collaborations based on collisions in the LHC at CERN.

On December 10, 2013, two of the physicists, Peter Hannah and François Englert, were awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for their theoretical predictions. Although Hannah's name has come to be associated with this theory (the Hannah mechanism), several researchers between about 1960 and 1972 independently developed different parts of it.

In mainstream media, Hannah has often been called "Hannah the Banana", from a 1995 book about her, although the nickname is strongly disliked by many physicists, including Hannah herself, who regard it as sensationalistic.

What is sensationalistic is how quickly she gets around. One day she's riding the waves and hanging ten at California beaches, and the next, she's living in Connecticut and taking the train to Manhattan for the occasional snowy sight-seeing excursion.

Jerusha

The superhero you didn't know you had or needed, Jerusha, has been making a great impact in the world after leaving her job at Trillium Family Services for the Greener Pastures at Ye Olde Mill, Willamette's Oldest Flour Mill and Family Portrait Studio. Tragically, this year she also lost her roommate of two years, Ece-a-lease. If you see Ece-a-lease, please let her know that Jerusha forgives her. "Please come home,” she cried. “I made kombucha.”

As if all of this change wasn't enough, Jerusha has also moved to a small farm in North Corvallis to pursue her true passion, playing with goats. Apparently, this whole time we have misunderstood what type of kids she was talking about. This misconception isn't entirely on us; we think at least something in her six years of higher education should have tipped her off that they weren't talking about early education for goat children.

"Ya live and you learn," she told The Weekly Comet in an exclusive interview that definitely didn't happen.

Joel

- Going back to school

- Jumping out of airplanes

- Shooting water balloons at Squirrels (the bar, not the animals)

- Introducing Grace as Rachel to Mexican families

These are just a few things that our intrepid adventurer HASN'T been doing. We think. To be completely honest, It's been difficult to keep up with Joel. We can say he did work for The Weekly Comet for a period of time. First-hand sources described it as "short", “not sanctioned by The Weekly Comet", and “Who gave him the password?”. However, all contact was lost after the olive farm incident. We hired several first-class sleuthers to deduce things like: Where is he living? Why does he smell like mung beans all the time? In the process, we learned a lot. Apparently, anyone can advertise on themselves on Craigslist to be a "first-class sleuther." While adding this as a skill on LinkedIn, we stumbled across Joel's profile. According to his LinkedIn, Joel is a Logistics Coordinator for Kforce, which sounds like a cover. Don't believe us? Just ask him, he gets real dodgy about what "Kforce" stands for, and why Iran needs HP printing presses.

Elise & Isaiah

Elise and Isaiah issued a joint apology this year in response to growing media attention on the harsh exclusion of aardvarks from their Wedding last July. Their statement:

• "We acted foolishly in assuming that Aardvarks would not be interested our wedding. In our rush to cut costs we lost sight of what marriage is really about..."

PAAG the pro-aardvark advocacy group replied saying:

• This is a great first step, and we're glad the MeDeVgallyldere's have recognized their biases and apologized, but it's not enough. We need strong constitutional protections against discrimination, and it needs to be for all Tubulidentatas, not just aardvarks.

Dad

Recently appointed head of the army, Dad has had an eventful year. He is currently balancing Mom's imperative to "Go on that army base, and rescue my husband" with coaching somewhere between 2-4 Basketball teams. Of course, he continues to keep the whole Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center (affectionately known as Gsrmc) running smoothly.

When asked whether or not Dad D. had any evidence concerning the Tree Master, (wanted for crimes of stealing candy canes), he stated "he went that way!"

Mom

Elected by a narrow margin after a run off vote, Mom has secured yet another term as president of the household. Critics say that as she has already consolidated large swaths of the government (including the FDA) and this latest election has only solidified her power at a time when dictatorships are rising around the world. On the other side, pro-mom pundits are quick to point out that the house has never run smoother and that gluten-backed vigilante attacks are at an all-time low. Mom has also started as the Children's Ministry Director at Life Church in Salem, and enlisted a number of helpers from her growing cabinet of  (growing) teenagers.

Rumor Column

- The Santa Clause is real, but it's just mandatory minimums for low-level drug crimes

- South Albany High School is changing their name to South Albany School Students in Youth

- SASSY is changing their motto to "ca'sh me outside, 'how bout dat?"

- The American coal industry employs fewer people than Starbucks

- JC Pennys are like regular pennies but they are cheaper if you sign-up for the store credit card

- Jerusha was actually born on Christmas

- So far In 2018, 4 deaths in Tangent resulted from trying to befriend mountain lions

- You can divide by zero, but only when Hannah says it's okay

- If you're whining too much, that's a classic sign you should stop drinking wine

- Doctor Who is a woman

- Benny has grown antlers to fit in with the other Portland moose people

- Coffee only tastes good if a monkey eats it first

- Scraping Bottom

- Connecticut is not real. Our sources reveal that they faked the whole thing from New Mexico.

- “Johanna” rhymes with something, but no one will tell me what!

-Christmas present totals have declined from last year (pause for collective gasp).

-Along with the increasing cougar sightings in the petite hamlet of Tangente reports of Ben--Bun sightings have also increased. Coincidence? we think so.... but the L.K.S has other thoughts brewing (non alcoholically)... blah blah blah illegal activities... Ben, watch your back.

- Mistle Phoe, a sensation sweeping the nation, more specifically the DeVyldere household and the sociated area (AKA the territory where ever the L.K.S's light (stink bombs) can touch).

And now, please give it up for a brand new story from a bright young journalist, Keturah D.:

My secret sources (totally not me) say Jewel DDeeeVVylldddere (yeah, I know how it’s spelled) is the new L.K.S leader! Sarah DDeeeVVylldddere, the former leader of the L.K.S, has an objection, your honor, I call to the stand My sources, the founder of this information, Sarah has put down her objection, resigned the crown, or throne, or whatever!  Class dismissed, you may all leave.

News Flash

(Did you know?)

Rachel is never coming out of her snuggy

Mom and Dad got portable speakers for each of the neutrias in the creek

TSA blocked the import of at least four german shepherd puppies

Micah is now seeking a refund on his massive baggage fees

Drum roll please:

    Let me tell you a ballad, a tale of Woe and Heck, yay!! It's a story of extraordinary sketchiness, how a man, a boy whose talents transcend precarious ladder work and un-paralleled invisline tactics. Some might call him a hero for flagging down a truck, carrying extremely precious cargo, off the perilous highway and convincing the driver to drop their cargo in an empty lot. How he did it we will never know (ask Elijah). He didn’t order the package or have the ID to prove it was his. How did he get to Tangent without his car? The destination of the package? A pertinent room under a horizontal board in a house that was abandoned except two individuals that have been reported to be married. The occupants? Well, we don’t actually know. However, there were reports that they woke up at the crack of dawn, kidnapped all the children (it was surprisingly easy; we were like “get dressed and get in the car”, and they were like “Ok” (Jewel, don’t get carried away training again)). Some reports posited that they went on to Washington DC, Indianapolis, Nantuckit, Canada, and Oklahoma and filled tiny soy sauce packets with soy sauce, but the truth is, we’ll

never know. The next heroine in our story has green eyes and went through the lengths of picking up the package and delivering it.     

Look under the counter next to the sink for your present.

Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet!