Thanksgiving Edition

Giving Thanks...again

It’s that time of year. The time where massive amounts of food is eaten, and roasted turkeys are named (shout out to Cara #23, the turkey.) Yes, it’s Thanksgiving. In the midst of spontaneous conga lines and punch dancing, the DeVyldere family has come together to have a day of being thankful, so without further to do, here’s a list of what your favorite locally grown, all organic organizations are thankful for this year:

L.K.S: Thankful that the right to arm bears has been granted to them...also for the large increase of dams in the tri-state-area...and they

BREAKING NEWS: L.K.S now trying for the right to arm cougars...no one knows why.

Ezra's Garage Sale: Thankful that Black Friday sales also apply to garage sales...also that Grace leaves her stuff unattended at the house when she goes to college.

Advertisement:

COME TO EZRA'S GARAGE SALE

Where we don’t play Christmas music until AFTER Thanksgiving

Secret L.K.S 4 Member Anti-Santa Task Force: Thankful that it’s not yet the Christmas season (era of the red frost man of death, and house fires)

B.K.A: Thankful for their ability to keep being the very oldest children, year after year. (Don’t worry, the L.K.S is currently looking into why this continues to be possible.) Also man buns and Corvallis.

M.K.U: Thankful that “we refuse to acknowledge that this association exists...” (The M.K.U, always angsty)

The Weekly Comet: Thankful that the DeVyldere household is constantly filled/bombarded with intriguing and exciting news...all of which we have the opportunity to discover/manipulate and give to all of you!

School of Cards

“I ran for presidency, I lost the presidency, I am now The Representative”

- Sarah “The Schwartzeneger” Devyldere

Election day at South Albany High has come and gone without yielding a conclusive victory on any side. The polls were dead even...give or take a vote.

Yes, the school has declared the winner to be someone other than Sarah D., but sources say that the real victor here has yet to be determined. Speaking to our informant earlier this evening Sarah D. could be heard issuing a dire threat “Ahgh ! It's cold. Can I go inside now?”

In addition to the general aurora surrounding this race, rumors have begun to surface describing strange behavior seen from Sarah D. in the last few days.

Witnesses say they have seen her pounding on podiums to emphasize her talking points, adjusting her cuff-links in a thoughtful manner, using a rowing machine to exercise, and even turning to monologue to an imaginary camera from time to time.

It goes without saying that the democratically elected SAHS freshmen president will be sleeping with one eye open. As will all of us.

Rumour Column

• Sarah is 1 spontaneous burst of Christmas songs away from being kidnapped
• The weather outside is…
• Lyric is just a baby cougar
• … Sarah has been kidnapped
• Santa Claus can’t come to the phone right now... because he’s dead
• There aren’t enough rumors
• Sarah is going to ‘take out’ the president (after she’s un-kidnapped)
• Tim is throwing pumpkins at unsuspecting people, but they do have whip cream on them.
• T.W.C stands for tantalizingly whipped coconuts
• Santa is just Micah in disguise
• Benjamin Dunn’s long lost album has theoretically been located in an ancient scroll called myspace...critics say it doesn’t exist
• No it hasn’t Grace
• The house is blue
• Since when?
• Robin Hood has a lower rotten tomatoes rating than Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss
• No, Grace that doesn’t belong in here that’s actually true
• Sarah is creating a brand new rivalry business to Rotten Tomatoes: Fresh Strawberries
• Jet is a mid-sized cougar...or is it that cougars are large sized Jets?
• Jewel is actually blind
• California was/is the inspiration for Avatar
• Ezra is threatening to have Christmas trees in every room at midnight tonight
• DeVyldere tech support has been outsourced to Germany
• The Weekly Comet reading has been outsourced to Connecticut
• Tim Rist actually gave us dessert.
• (Ironically/sadly not brownies)
• Ironically, the ocean is neat!
• Apparently everyone thinks they want to be a rumor reporter. They all think they have what it takes. They don’t know what it’s like to show up week after week, (sometimes skipping a few weeks.) To show up in the cold, the rain, the moon, up hill in the snow, both ways. To show up even after your job has been terminated. That is commitment. And y’all don’t even know!!!!
• Grace moved to Texas and picked up the accent
• SHUT UP ANNA!

Cougar Sighting in...TANGENT?!?

Yes, we’re afraid it’s true. There’s trouble, trouble right here in Tangent city, Trouble that starts with a capital T that rhymes with C which stands for Cougar. A week or so ago, there were multiple cougar sightings “strolling” down the newly installed bike path. That’s right, there might actually be a reason for your dogs barking a 2 in the morning. This story has already made it into Democrat Herald ™, Which not only give tangent some of the publicity it deserves but also giving our yard some attention as well, as it was spotted right in front of the back section of our yard. So what can we do? Do we wait until we the cougar is sighted in some other location? but how can we tell? What happens when our children want to go outside and build a catapult and there healthy, homeschool living ways are over? Not to worry, We have a solution. Meet Ezra Devyldere professional cougar hunter is here! Partnered with the TWC. We encourage you to donate to this very profound cause and to not judge a hunter by his Yelp review.

call: 1-800-IDontKnow-WhatToWrite……...here.

Editorial: Jaguar Politics,

This is a political editorial which broaches some sensitive topics. I ask you all to please keep your opinions locked deep inside yourself behind triple reinforced steel vaults with a combination that we just have to crack. Sorry.

Jaguar you say? I thought it was a mountain lion. (They are very different according to our resident wildlife expert Ezra D. (Although that was all he would say about the matter. He insisted that neither himself or anyone else in the L.K.S, if they even existed, new anything about the existence of an animal native to the amazon in our quaint hamlet.)) (Deep breath… “Haven't   done that in a while.”) Well if this story were about the facts you’d be right. Instead it is about the political ambitions of a certain, presumably young (ie. Evil), political executive trying to climb their way up the booby trapped ladder of Tangent’s fine government. Yes that's right, there is trouble right here in our bubble province (shout out to Canadians) and her name is Georgia Edwards.. Dun Dun Dun.. Let me give you the facts. The wombat story was published in a little shady street tabloid called the Democratic Angels Harking or whatever. The only picture was one depicting the intrusive recently installed Brush Memorial “walkway”. Finally the entire freaking article was about the “Walkway”!!! The walk way did this, the walk way did that, the walkway can provide the perfect, unobtrusive by cars, runway to test new flying chair models (Patent: k-XXI the third….. Break this and the L.K.S will Break you). It has become the new hip place to “hang”. All the cool kids with their walkers, canes, and flying walkers (Patent: blah blah- bodily harm) strolling at leisurely paces traversing life. The walkway was installed in the last few or more months and it sits inferior to the Back Forty. The path itself and the articles raving review of it is all relatively harmless, except when you take into account who lobbied the pathway into existence. That's right, it our pequeno village’s City Manager Edwards who was in charge of the pathways construction and it was her who reported the incident to the newspaper. It’s an indescribable insult to our little log settlement and we cannot stand for it. The answer???? In the upcoming election case your vote for very own Dad. D ( D. A. A. D. D.) for mayor. If not, we’ll elect him anyway because you've neglected to change your ballot addresses then we’ll take care of it for you. POWER OF THE TANGENTE PEOPLE.

Snapchat Infiltration

The household has recently fallen into complete chaos on the news that resident Leah D. has obtained an illicit Snapchat account. While the reason behind this occurrence is still unclear, the L.K.S has issued it a Defcon 6 event warning.

“Desperate times call for even more desperate and illogical measures,” said a L.K.S. spokesperson, who spoke on the condition of having a bag over their head.

The LK.S. suggests each individual prepares for the infiltration of their social media accounts by deleting any information linking them to any improper actions (i.e. rearrangement of signs).

“I just realized the last Snapchat I received was from my mother,” said one Snapchatter not to be named (Grace D..) The L.K.S also encourages all members of the house to be on high alert, and possibly even attempt to stop any illegal actions, but we all know that is improbable after the arson attacks allegedly committed by barefoot members who will not be named….(you know who you are.) Updates will follow, depending information from our Twitter sources.

NEWS FLASH

        (did you know?)

Elijah earned an olympic bronze medal in muppet identification (more impressive than it sounds)

Anyone wearing a Carhart jacket smells like cow pies when it rains

Grace is fired

Elise is the patron saint of cookie monsters across the globe

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor,

It has come to my rather short attention span that The Weekly Comet has had relatively little Portland coverage in recent months.

Portland is the biggest and only city in Oregon. Its name is derived from two Portlandic words “port,” short for porter, which we all know is a type of beer, and “land,” which is, by anyone’s standards, a great place to brew beer (compared to the ocean). Portland is ruled by the much revered mayor Kermit the Frog.

Readers, it is important to note that Portland is not for the faint of spirit! Brave DeVylderes have ventured there, including Isaiah, pre-2016 Micah, and Ezra's bike, and suffered loss and heartache.

“Don't do it, man,” said Elijah D., a manager for a local painting, Christmas lights and matchmaking company. “I pretty much run out of gas every time.”

Others have seen even worse. “Portland took my boot-cut jeans, my alpaca sweater, and my rawhide belt,” said Isaiah D., who works as a TA supervising the world's best-behaved middle-schoolers. “They only gave me, like, $12 in store credit.”

So, you've been warned! However, if you still persist in your folly, local travel expert Elijah D. has this advice to offer about visiting the great coffee pot to the North:

• Stay out of the bike lanes
• Everything is a bike lane
• The whole town is one big game of hide and seek. Don't let the parking meter people find your car!
• Bring your own tent to the Salt and Straw line.
• Be aware that somewhere out there Benny is driving, texting, eating soup, Skyping his mom, and setting a Christmas lights estimate with a mostly deaf client who only speaks Norwegian
• When in doubt, stick together and try to look single.

Regards (you know which kind),

Joel D

Bathroom Attendant Wanted!

That’s right, you, (yes you), could be the next DeVyldere downstairs bathroom attendant! The previous worker struggled with communication and shedding. Jet originally created the position as a way for the homeless around Tangent to earn food and board during the cold winter months. After numerous complaints about his habit of staring at people and daring them to enter the bathroom, being an extremely fuzzy towel replacement, scaring the heck out of whomever was the unlucky person to stagger into the bathroom in the middle of the night, and (much like Grace) refusing to be fired. So, if you like warm, wet rooms, being annoying, and feel like fighting a mid sized cougar for the position, you could be the next bathroom attendant.

Thank you for reading/laughing with The Weekly Comet!

And remember, don’t mess with the L.K.S or you’ll end up like the old Taylor Swift.