The Weekly Comet 68 (comments and criticisms welcome)
Good Evening
That's right. Just like death, taxes, and those peanut butter stains in the breakfast nook, this publication just keeps coming back—no matter how many times Mom tries to paint over it.
In this very special edition, we'll be checking in with all of your favorite people/groups: The LKS, Ezra's Startup Valley, Elisiah, and the Meese people Ben moved in with. We'll report the hard truths, stopping at nothing until we get the full scoop, often having to engage Dad in a spoon battle. But we won't just stop there. You know us, we invert that plate and lick the rocky-road that's left straight off it; and our approach to journalism is no different.
Now is the time any ordinary airline pilot would tell you to stow your tray tables, put away any large electronic devices, and to 'for gods-sake get off your sister, she can't breathe'... But this isn't an airplane, and It's our editorial position that reading this should be considered a full contact sport. We've got a lot of great stories for you, and have even sprinkled in a few jump scares to watch out for. So sit back, preferably on someone, and let's enjoy the ride.
Blue (da ba dee)
It was a dark and stormy a night when a lone driver chugged along the slick midnight roads. The pickup truck was unremarkable, it's bed filled with tarps and ladders. The driver slowed before an older slightly crooked house with an ominous barn lurking in the background. Turning on to the wet gravel driveway, the truck's headlights lit up the whole scene for a moment—shapes quickly materialized and disappeared in the plastic covered windows of the house.
After the driver turned the ignition off, a dark figure emerged from the around side of the house. Blood covering his hands and clothing. But wasn't just any blood—it was the blood of innocent smurfs.
And after a few music montages, and and herculean effort on Elijah, Grace, Rachel and Hannah's parts—THE PARENT'S HOUSE IS NOW BLUE!!! (Inside and outside)
But you probably should know that by now, like just look at it.
That's What I'm Talking About!
A toast to the groom! *wait for response*
To the bride! wait for response
For your Sister, Jewel-Ann(e)[e]!
Who's recently been cast as a blind girl in CHS's production of "The Miracle Worker (the Helen Keller Story)".
We've always known she was blind, now come see it live. Showings start on November 1st.
*** Jump scare ***
Sarah is months from being able to obtain a learning permit.
Moving right along
Footloose and fancy free Hannah D. moved to Connecticut after driving her, at times less than dependable, Studebaker across no less than ten different states in less than a week. Hannah was said to have arrived just in time to start her new job, after visiting family and friends all over country.
Since arriving, Hannah has had a good time adjusting to work, dressed up as Adelle (we're still investigating why), and made plans is to visit Boston and New York soon.
to sign a petition calling for the ban of Hannah visiting any more major U.S. Cities until the rest of us get a chance to catch up.
*** Jump scare ***
Pysch was filmed in Canada not in Santa Barbara
Another 18 year old missing, feared trapped in McMinville
Since starting her first semester at Linn-Field this September, Grace D. has been haunted by Hannah's ghost, worked life guarding kids desperately trying to drown each other at a local pool, and helped ref soccer games of children—who were oddly enough, also trying to drown each other.
While there is no evidence at this time of foul play in this missing persons case (she keeps snap-chatting), we ask that you talk to your friends and loved ones about Linn-Field College before It's to late and they've graduated with honors (No Pressure).
*** Jump scare ***
Winnie the Pooh has NEVER WORN PANTS
Te Olivo Mucho
There's nothing scarier than family members suddenly ending up in Spain. But this has happen multiple times over the last year. Our brave corespondent Joel D. investigated, reporting back:
"It's unclear exactly why anyone one would pick this as a honeymoon destination. I'm right now in the back of an establishment who's name loosely translates to "The Funky Monkey"; and it's probably the classiest place in all of Barcelona. The police showed up to question the waiter about why all the neighbors cats have gone missing, and why their food is so cheap. The waiter, one funky monkey himself, just smiled and served them two free plates of mongetes amb botifarra (beans and "pork sausage").
I suppose visiting here on your honeymoon doesn't make any more or less sense than Elisiah as a celebrity couples' name though."
His arrival, exactly one year after the controversial referendum for Catalonian independence, was chaotic with protests in the streets and tensions running high. Tragically we lost contact with him after the Olive Farm incident.
*** Jump scare ***
Trees are made of air
From Grass Seed to Start-ups?
There hasn't been much innovation the the Tangent business park recently, especially since Oregon Powder Coating had a building burning down there (The LKS claim no responsibility and maintain it was justified). But that maybe about to change with Billionaire (He has at least a billion aires, okay?) investor Ezra D. proposing opening up a start-up accelerator to teach young companies the hard lessons he's learned taking Ezra's garage sale out from under the bed, into the global market.
The biggest challenges he's facing getting the project off the ground are the other demands on his time including: Soccer, School, and an upcoming Basketball Season.
ReCHOIRed Attention
Sarah D. a household name with such successful hits as "Waffles", and from being as a judge on The Voice: DeVyldere Edition, has now joined the SAS choir. The choir has been doing performances all over the valley (so get those tickers while you can).
She's also being honored as one of the best soccer players in varsity soccer league, even though she's still a freshman.
Weekly Comet Ambassador to the Future Sends Back Spooky Report
Johanna H. the weekly comet's newest inside source has reported that the future is grim and cold. She's been forced to work on her PH.D thesis, teach classes at Ulm University, and bike across this city in the snow to do yoga. Also apparently in exactly eight hours every one will speak German.
Ich habe eine Katze in meine Hose!
Said one friend close to the matter.
**** Jump scare ****
Humans have caused the extinction of several species of bat in modern history, the most recent going extinct in 2009
Rumor Column
- Tangent Fire Chief Scott Casebolt got replaced in June by two kids in trench coat
- The rumor column is more like a list than a column
- A top secret National Guard training center is being built in Tangent
- The parents have actually had over 16 children, but several them have gone missing in the Barn
- Red pandas are excellent climbers, and mostly eat bamboo
- The annual World Poohsticks Championships have been held at Day's Lock on the River Thames in the UK since 1984
- We adopted Keturah from another family who previously adopted her from us
- The Weekly Comet is sending Faith D. to Chicago for a Journalism conference
And Finally
We want to wish a very happy surprise birthday to Jerusha!!! Yeah, I bet you didn't see that one coming.
