The Weekly Comet 66 (comments and criticisms welcome)
Hello
“What is this, the Weekly Comet? Didn’t the editor abruptly quit just after her long awaited come-back?” You might ask yourself. But the Weekly Comet, much like Hey-Lee’s Comet, is always showing up when you least expect or need it. (And don’t tell me that’s not how comets work).
Comet (noun): A convenient excuse for the LKS to drink more Kool-Aid.
Tragically, It’s been a fair moment since this bright publication has graced (or even Sarah’d) your screens. We’ve got a lot to cover so sit down (5-to-a-couch; any more and they’ll call the couch marshal again), strap in, and let’s see how many times Grace can sneak some grammar errors (more like violations of mom´s sacred art) into this special edition.
Graduation
Teachers are being thanked, hats are being thrown wildly about (FREE HATS - available soon at Ezra’s garage sale), silibi are ablaze in the quad (for those of you whose quads are ablaze: you really should have stretched before reading this!) Graduation takes no prisoners. This year Grace fully graduated from high school and turned 18.
“Wait… she’s still in high school?” - Most classmates
When asked about her post-graduation plans Grace expressed a strong desire to live on a houseboat in the Netherlands. Which sounded alright to us so long as we all get individual rooms. As a potential back-up plan, for graduating with too many honors to count, Grace has been awarded a nearly-full ride to Linfield College that she is strongly considering accepting.
It’s Not Just Pollen in The Air
The social event of the decade is rumored to be occurring this summer. While the details are sketchy and mostly unconfirmed, Isaiah D. and famous missionary Elise Megale are rumored to be planning a wedding to end all other weddings (apparently they hate weddings).
Our anonymous source inside the secretive affair, Jerusha D, provided us with these limited details on the hopelessly naive condition of anonymity:
- It’s happening this Summer
- No aardvarks allowed
- Multiple family members are said to be invited
Please bear with us as we closely follow this developing story of harsh exclusion of toward aardvarks. Remember, injustice toward aardvarks anywhere is a threat to aardvarks everywhere.
L.K.S BACKLOG: Lights Out!!!
Crime never sleeps, but thankfully the LKS seem to have a knock-out drug that might just do the trick. LKS Spokesperson Jewel An[n](e) D got in front of the television replaying What a Girl Wants to inform the general public of progress being made in clinical trials on a drug that she described as “Silent but deadly.” Made in collaboration with Ezra’s underground lab, it'a said to have been distilled from ancient girls-room carpet samples, heaping piles of dirty laundry, and preteen angst.
The FDA (Mom D.) has said that she is critical of the project for many reasons and to,
“take those clothes to the laundry already! I already told you twice.”
L.K.S LATEST: The Break UP!!!!
You heard it here first! (Unless you heard it from our well paid news leaker) The L.K.S has for the last several months of the school year been uninvolved with each other and major events around the world.
“We um.. Haven't really been up to anything lately.”
The president of the L.K.S, Sarah D. (AKA The silent E. Ninja) confessed when asked about her recent 37 point. landslide victory against Joel D and his “Gauc for everyone, even their dogs” campaign. If you are any sane person then those words should strike extreme terror and minor relief into your hearts. No matter what has been going on around the world the constant thing in most people's lives is knowing that the L.K.S is watching… ALWAYS WATCHING! Sure, there has been a smallish to major drop in the amount of unsanctioned experiments, people getting carried away (Jewel, don’t get carried away. Also, Bae wait!), and explosions (like there aren’t any anymore). But on the other hand, we must take into account the international implications this has had on the world. I mean come on, have you been keeping up with current events? Micronesia never would have done what it did if the L.K.S still jointly roamed the sketch streets of Tangent.
Finally, it's a dark day when our favorite little friendly, vivacious (bonus word! Rachel / Hannah), edible, cuddly, sassy, scary, height discriminatory, munchkins (or Joel D.'s peeps aren't around).
Let please take a moment of (awkward) silence.
L.K.S ULTRA-LATEST: We’re getting the Band back Together!
In many unconfirmed reports, former L.K.S members have been seen working in libraries, passing notes, and generally claiming that they “ain’t got rhythm”. All the while, strange banging and clicking sounds have been heard coming from the barn, indicating that all this might be just the beginning.
Disorienting Disappearances of Local Kids!
Children are being kidnapped and showing up at in their home hours later, disoriented, with whole subjects of their school work completed. Recently interviewed abductees talked long about their cruel (if at times confusing treatment) in the faraway land, Salam.
Leah D. of the FDA is doing double duty as the Chillen’s something or other at Life Church in Salam. When interviewed about a possible connection to her recent work at the church and the up-tick in mysterious disappearances, she deflected saying:
“What are you talking about? You mean when I take the kids to help?”
While just how these quite literal KIDnappers are luring children into their vehicles in still being investigated, authorities are saying:
“Just come with me, you can put your shoes on in the car.”
Rumor Column
- Faith shares a Birthday with Joel.
- I’m pretty sure that first rumor has no merit…. unless you sing it on a loop directly into the ear next to you.
- This just in—large hearing loss reported from a birthday party located across the tracks in Tangent, OR
- Does any one know how to get my key board off spanish ? ¨ e´ ???
- Grace shanghaied HERSELF to a birthday dinner at Red Lobster.
- Faith has successfully used various deserts to fend off guys.
- Rachel only speaks Spanish now.
- Dad has managed to put a bag inside of a bag, he’s calling it: meta-bag. The former L.K.S. are calling it: flammable.
- We can't be sure about the all out meme attack planned at some vague time against Elijah D. (10:12 eastern time, Sunday, the 18th), but it might happen.
- Ben moved to Portland to be with meese people
- Dad tried several times to attract the fire-station's attention with his latest bonfire, but the firemen remained aloof
- The Midnights are making their comeback comeback comeback comeback comeback, but are concerned they might not get their free pie
Weekly Chuck Norris Fact
A blind man once intentionally cut in line in of front of Chuck Norris. Chuck replied,
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!"
The mere mention of his name cured the man’s blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick.
Hide yo-kids, Hide yo-keys
EXTRA! EXTRA! Local girl about to turn sweet 16! Terror grips the DeVyldere household as yet another member is on the brink of hurtling through the streets at break-neck speed. Our thoughts and prayers are with all those soon to be affected.
Our editor and chief has been up to may things in late times. Her sophomore year of high school, soccer, track, basket, cross country or “XC” as it's called by the cool kids, orange peel racing, being named the liaison between school and school board, rigging the mascot election, legally obtaining her driving permit, doing what she had to in cave junction, and bribing her way into the position of the next editor and chief of South Albany High School´s new paper the Sentry.
So what are we to think? Has she been cheating on the Weekly Comet and all her beloved readers (Joel D.)? Is she really writing for another paper of inferior stature? Well yes, but you can rest assured, it will not in any way replace T.W.C. She says that they don’t let her write anything fun, funny, or about the L.K.S. But the thing she misses the most is that they won´t let her fire and rehire people at will, on a whim. Afterall, she quote-un-quote says it's “her favorite part the job” and the real reason she got into journalism.
(Editor’s note: the writer of the above article, Grace D., was let go shortly after writing it)
We love you all
Sadly, due to budget cuts and a few related fatal accidents/maimings, we weren’t able to cover all of the news that has happened in recent weeks. Still we’d like to make a few mentions of the goings on:
Joy W. (now H.) has gotten married, Elijah D. joined a boy band that buys/sells houses, Jerusha D. visited Micah D. in Austin and became one with the turtles, and Hannah D. has moved closer to Berkley and accepted an extension on her internship.
