The Weekly Comet 25 (comments and criticisms welcome)
Below are some letters recovered not too long ago and written by one of the many soldiers that went off to fight in the war. I thought it important that we discuss this controversial topic, and I thought that you people of America slash other countries should be informed. Below is the 2 letters, and, just in case you were wondering if we are going to put them in a cool olden letter font, yes, yes we are:
Monday, January 6th, 2014 Dear familia, I am writing this in the bathroom fox hole as I hide from an unexpected enemy ambush. Most of us are badly wounded and I fear the end is near. I only have four lives left, almost 3 because I have only one good arm left. This is "The Ultimate DeVyldere Nerf World War I." Or as they would call it T.U.D.N.W.W.I. It all started at Ezra's birthday when he got a lot of Nerf guns and bullets. Back then in November it was okay, an occasional alarm or two every once in a while, but now it is much harsher. Ever since Christmas, when everyone got guns in their stockings, and the L.K.S intercepted a missions drop from a big man in a (conspicuous) red suit it has been nothing but chaos, and it didn't help when Sarah got a silent and more deadly nerf crossbow for her birthday yesterday. Now I can't even walk outside my room without getting shot. Anyway, if you're reading this it means Horris, my homing pigeon, was successful, which would be good news to hear since most of the homing pigeons get shot down by the brutal L.K.S warriors we're in battle against. They're beating down the door as I speak, I might not make it out of this one, I just hope you know I love you and (That was the last of the letter, there wasn't enough space for the rest.) Tuesday, January 7th, 2014 Dear familia...again, It turns out, the ones that were tearing down the door were not the L.K.S warriors, they were just a bunch of angry squirrels that wanted revenge on Horris because he ate all their nuts, but not to worry, I let Horris out through a small bird sized hole in the wall, (probably how the L.K.S got in), and he flew to safety. The only problem was that in all of the squirrel ruckus I hadn't noticed all of the L.K.S warriors coming towards me, so I dug a tunnel to the laundry room where I then made my escape through a small air vent that eventually led me to the roof. After that I glided to the train tracks not far from the battlegrounds and hopped a convenient train that was going by and I made my way to Michigan where I recovered. Right now I am heading on another train back to the battlefield where I will seek MY revenge on those squirrels for killing Horris and the letter that you had sent back. I now with a grieving heart will send this letter to you with the help of my other homing pigeon, Charlotte.
Pastor Mitch's last Sunday Last Sunday was, you guessed it, the last Sunday Pastor Mitch was going to be pastor at the Lebanon Foursquare Church (the church we go to.) He led worship for the last time from 8:00 am to 11:00 am and there was lots of tears and dancing involved, and now, starting next Sunday, a guy named "Pastor Scott" will be the new pastor. Though we know no one can be replaced, he and his wife ( there are rumors that her name is "Jackie") seem very nice.
Well, that pretty much sums it up, and I know what you're waiting for, but we haven't gotten the L.K.S results back yet about where he lives, what he eats for breakfast, etc. Right now all we know is he has 3 kids in their 20's.
Sarah's Birthday Twas the night before Sarah's birthday, and not a creature was stirring, well, except for the seven little girls at Sarah's birthday party that stayed up way too late due to the fact that they went rollerblading and then had WAY too much pizza, pop, and birthday cake. But anyway, Sarah had an awesome sleepover party on Saturday, which sadly ended in her going to the E.R because she was sick and another girl from the party fracturing her wrist both on Sunday, but they're both safe and sound now, and will live to live another day. Speaking of which, for her birthday Sarah got (among other things) a camera which she is using to make her own series called "Sarah's suspects" which is coming soon to theaters near you, (depending on where you are.)
Anonymous tip: Our anonymous tip person quit.
Donation recommendation We're initiating a recommended donation of 3 dollars per year per subscription to T.W.C. Of course, it's not mandatory, but I am saving up for a laptop so it will be easier to write this newspaper, so if you would like to, you can. This has been a message from T.W.C. staff.
Rumour column Space pirates have abducted our entire family The Midnites-nites are having ANOTHER comeback The guy that invented bacon was a scientist Grace has 33 teeth The tree that fell because of the L.K.S was not the same one they tied up with duct tape, it was a fake tree made out of styrofoam. (Sadly, no one realized for months.)
#Story on #Stuff Mark Bowser says
There's a new..."thing" going around on twitter called "#StuffMarkBowser says." It's like a new trend so we're switching from Chuck Norris jokes to #StuffMarkBowsersays, and trust me, these quotes are well worth it.
#StuffMarkBowsersays is basically people quoting a well known friend of DeVylderes (and many other people) who's name is Mark Bowser (and yes, he does have a gigantic beard most of the time, but it's shaved.) So anyway, here is the first 3 #StuffMarkBowsersays:
"Clams are good for you Susannah, even though you couldn't eat them until Jesus died." #StuffMarkBowser says.
"I've begun the meticulous inhalation of your birthday balloons... their days are numbered." #StuffMarkBowser says
I've been trying to convince people my entire life to stop eating food with their eyeballs. It's uncomfortable. #StuffMarkBowser says
Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet!!!!
