The Weekly Comet 72 (comments and criticisms welcome)

(comments and criticisms welcome...more or less)

Welcome back!!! Blah blah blah we’re back for good and with new and improved sarcasm, now let’s get on with it…………………………………………………………..

And now an article from our newest reporter (not including Grace):

Keturah’s DeVyldere Update

DeVyldere’s are on a run!

They have 2 out of the country, 2 out of the state, (welcome to the DeVyldere family Elise) and the rest spread around Oregon! A baby freshman no longer a freshman? We’ll stick her in a jar to make her stop growing, well, with this one, I don’t think we need to. A burn and pun, Boom! With several close to achieving their masters in swimming, I do not think we’re going very many places, especially because the pool in our back yard is so small, which brings us to our next subject! THE DEVYLDERES GOT A POOL! We haven’t figured much out but a LOT of suspicious activity has been going on near the back forty, my sources say it is preposterous and I say it’s fun, yeah so what if I like pools, deal with it! So jobs have been introduced to the DeVyldere’s, lately (every morning) Ezra and jewel have been sneaking off and watering Mrs.Brush’s plants and even Keturah goes babysitting and child caring at the Volts and Table.

That’s all folks, see you in a bit…..

GRWC Takes it Up a Notch

The regional manager of this summer bonanza spinoff of GRWC is none other than Mom D.. When Rachel D., assistant to the regional manager of “Elevate,” was asked about the event, she answered with the classic:

“What summer camp?”

This has to lead us to believe a sort of “Fight Club” mentality has developed between the camp volunteers. No one talks about how the worship gets made. Obviously, the only way to find the truth was to go undercover, which is exactly what Grace D. did last month. She went into the heart of the project as a fake volunteer with the alias “Grace E.” After an extensive four weeks of endless manual labor and intensive memorization of each and every book of the Bible and fruit of the spirit, she finally released the following information:

“all of the volunteers are related!”

And:

“I hear rumors that friends of Sarah will be there…”

From these notes and the rest of Grace’s debriefing, we have come to the conclusion that the days of July 8th-12th and the 15th-20th will consist of some DeVylderes living off fruit snacks at Life Church, and a lot of playing sports/having fun.

Breaking the Oregonian System, One Window at a Time

For those of you who haven’t heard yet, Elijah D. is no longer living in an apartment, and before you ask, no he isn’t living under a rock, (again.) Intel leads us to believe that he is currently staying in a mobile home, allegedly as an attempt to combat the high property taxes of Oregoni.

This new place of residence is currently undergoing renovations by Elijah D. himself, and it is still unclear how many windows have been broken during this process, as well as where in Corvallis this place exists. We encourage readers not to worry though because the LKS has agreed to give us the address as soon as their tunnels are completed...which with the recruitment of the moles should take under a week.

Elijah commented, “if you stop by I might even give you a free air conditioner!”

The LKS has since launched an investigation to find out exactly how many air conditioners Elijah D. has, why he so many, and what he plans to do with them. Without these answers no one is safe.

Breaking News: Did The World Cup Just Steal Our Title???

The World Cup games started this month, and for the first time since The World Cup happened last, we realized they have the same acronym as us...and that won’t do.

While nothing has been confirmed as of yet, that won’t keep us from speculating on what could be happening; the end of TWC as we know it.

Some have suggested the title “The World Cup” be changed to just “World Cup” in order to disbar any further confusion or misconceptions about what the TWC is really about. In response to this idea, The Weekly Comet editors have been more than supportive, planning to take the idea even further by calling into question why “The World Cup” needs a name anyway.hsi called into question the following, well, question: Should there be a national tournament celebrating DeVyldere Ball?

Officials of the nationally recognized tournament, AKA Rachel D., put out a statement in reference to the disputation:

“The World Cup clearly has the right to its own name, regardless of its conflicts with remote, rarely fact-based newspapers.”

In a response statement released by TWC editors, they said and I quote: “...that hurts Rache. You know better than anyone that we aren’t fact-based, and never have been.”

With no conclusive resolution to this major issue, all we know for sure is that this is clearly the most controversial topic of discussion surrounding The World Cup this year.

Rumor Squamosal Ciliated Columnar-

Hannah was in love (or as the French spell it, “Louvre.”)

Step aside CaFaith, “Sariego” (not a pasta sauce) is taking over.

Joel is simultaneously living alongside his Canadian gecko in both Barcelona, (pause here for Ed Sheeran) and Mazatlan.

The back of Rachel’s unairconditioned car is the perfect rumor column brainstorming location.

Isaiah will never truly leave LBCC...at least not until he earns his art degree and complimentary beret.

Rachel really felt abandoned when grace didn't go to Canby with her.

News Flash

(did you know?)

Jet took a hard-earned vacation this week from napping on the printers in protest of saving them. He left only for a short while to conquer the tri-state area. When he returned, they were stolen!

We have a pool!

(Bets on pool lifespan can be placed to Grace D.)

Both estranged, and just plain strange, DeVyldere boys, Micah and Joel D., are coming back from Europe to visit their roots, and possibly their pet rocks as well. Joel will be near the Back Forty roots about July 23rd, whereas Micah is no longer familiar with the concept of time, and may or may not show up 25 summers from now. The question on everyone’s mind is the following: will he and Yohanna still be friends at that point in time?

South America is NOT the same size as Greenland.

Thank you for reading The Weekly Comet!